Friday, 4 March 2011

lessons: ke$ha does EQUALITY

i've clearly been neglecting my music video watching duties boys and girls. because shit just got real on planet music video.

i could pretend i haven't seen the 'yawn this way' video by lady huge nose. but i'd be wrong because i saw it and i'm never going to be able to un-see it the same way john galliano wont be able to retract his love for a certain austrian fascist dictator.

i could review it. but it's overhyped, overblown and overlong. go HERE and judge for yourself.

naturally the gayz are up in arms about 'yawn this way' and there are some (a LOT) who herald hugenose with being the second coming (herself included). she's good, but about as christ-like as i am. this whole 'yawn this way' fiasco drips with disingenuousness.

it's almost as if she has killed gloria gaynor resurrected her with the power of elton john's dildo wand and caused her corpse to dance all over harvey milk's grave fat & naked, covered in glitter and shitting rainbows.

here's a much better video from ke$ha. that also features rainbows amongst some other stuff i like.

1. ke$ha being ke$ha. not ke$ha shamelessly exploiting a targeted demographic

2. people with UNICORN heads. uhh-mazing

3. gun shoes. slightly budget but you know, it's FINE

4. amusing puns on james van der beek's name

there's also a bit where they BOTH remove their bras. now that's REAL equality.


Wednesday, 23 February 2011

A word from Head "Gooper"


My name is Gwyneth Paltrow and whilst VIMRS is away I will be writing this week's post.

I am experienced in posting content online so you are in safe hands. I do a newsletter, a goop of my personal recommendations on how you should live your life. It is not a condescending advice dispenser as misguided people in the media have often declared. I like clean places that feel nice and I want you, yes you to inhabit these places with me. Don't come too close though, we must nourish the inner aspect and be vigilant of personal boundaries.

I learned a lot on the set of Glee. Those kids really know how to sing AND dance, I mean it's such a skill, you know? And I got some way to mastering it. I actively put these skills to use when I performed at the Grammy's with CeeLo Green.

My husband, the lead singer of Coldplay said that I did very well. And he should know! He is a very entertaining and politically aware rock star. I mean, have you heard his song 'Yellow'? It is so moving I cry into my new Goldspank sequinned tissue every time I hear it. These tissues are available on for $110 a packet in case you were wondering.

Let's watch one of his amazing music videos. Most of them are of him performing at sell-out gigs and I know you have been to all of those so I've picked one that is especially touching and ALWAYS elicits a tear from yours truly.

Coldplay - The Scientist
Uploaded by itami. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

It's backwards because he wants to go back in time to a the time when his girlfriend wasn't dead due to his careless driving.* Isn't that clever and emotionally advanced? I was asked to be in the video but I had to decline because I was visiting Mexico at the time and nourishing my inner Aztec.

Gee! I have to go and do my goop. It's been a pleasure!


*I would like to point out that Chrisopher neither drinks nor smokes.

Friday, 28 January 2011

my nan is better than nicki minaj

i've not been well this week. i've been coughing, sneezing and aching all over. want to know how sick i was?

i had a fever dream that my body was a factory and i didn't need to get a job because my body was my livelihood. i'm telling you, freud would have a field day with me.

so i've been languishing in bed and hacking up my sexy innards. thank god for my nan. after swearing at me quite vehemently regarding my new hair cut, she materialized like a fairy godmother on my doorstep bearing all the essentials for when you're sick.

lemons - for hot toddy assembly

oranges - for vitamins

(cooked)sausages - unsure. whatever. i had a nice sandwich

yoghurt - for "good" bacteria. but it wasn't yakult so it's less wanky

whiskey - for fun!

it was a lot like this video:

yes, my nan is the old white catholic version of nicki minaj. i'm going to languish in bed some more and watch boxsets.

Friday, 14 January 2011

lessons: it's ok to like ke$ha

first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
second of all, there was no post last week because i was in berlin. if you've not been then i suggest you go and have a beer or two because it is very, very good. amongst other activities i got to:

- sing to my hearts content in monster ronson's ichiban kareoke: here.
- learn all i could about that pesky hitler bloke: here.
- pick up the latest copy of exberliner: here.
- and watch my friend conspicuously throw up on a table in a cool bar: here.

all in all, there was a good time all. now to business.

i used to majorly slag off ke$ha for spelling her name with a dollar sign. I WAS WRONG. my time in uber liberal and sexy berlin taught me the error of my judgeMENTAL ways.

here's her alternative video for 'take it off'

here's why i like this video:
1. ke$ha
you show me the last young pop singer to have the balls to dress as trashy as she does. plus in this video she's half animal and stuff. she's like a were-cat only with more glitter and an army of gays. 10 POINTS
2. colour - fuck what you heard about being all dark and grey this winter. on planet pop EVERYTHING MUST BE BRIGHT AND FuCKING COLOurFUL.
3. jeffree star
i forgot this fag even existed. remember when he was the uber queer of myspace? remember when you cared? now he just shows up only to get annihilated by ke$ha's slut voodoo. bet you he wishes he'd spelt HIS name with a dollar sign.
4. animism
anything that suggests you have an inner animal totem is evidence that ke$ha is, you know, well meta and not a total slag wagon at all.
5. ke$ha
because she's not katy fucking perry.

Friday, 31 December 2010

best of 2010

recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.

50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.

5. primary colours 'princess'
this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.
pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.
cons: distinct lack of tina turner

4. unkle 'the answer'
ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.
pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.
cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.

3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'
i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.
pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.
cons: snoop dog. and katy perry.

2. lady gaga feat. beyoncé 'telephone'
would be criminal not to include this really.
pros: dykes. strong women. prison. pussy wagon. telephone made out of hair. a diner. murder. cookery. a dance routine. BEYONCE.
cons: long. partially sponsored by virgin. unenjoyable if you are a shit person.

1. chase and status 'blind faith'
a camera follows a group of young men to a disco.
pros: everything. the lights, the dancing, the singing. all of it.
cons: if you don't agree with taking drugs it will probably offend/mean nothing to you. even so, BRILLIANT.

have fun tonight. have a cry. use a condom.


Friday, 17 December 2010

lessons: respect your crabs

have you ever had crabs? i have. twice. one time from a dirty blanket in east london and the other from a client, also in east london. the lesson here, dont go to east london.

but seriously, crabs. if you've ever had them you'll know how resilient they are. i admire the little bastards in a way. their resistance to destruction deserves a little respect.*

imagine an infestation of crabs who do song and dance routines in skimpy clothes. they look something like this.

ok now imagine one crab is particularly prominent and is much more attractive than the other crabs. she looks like this.

and there you have the reason for nicole scherzinger's burgeoning pop career.

here's the video for debut single 'poison'

looking for victims

found some!

driving through the pubes like a louse out of hell

gurning on too much human blood

she's catchy. you have been warned.

*note - you can actually get rid of crabs with derbac. have fun asking for that at the chemist counter.

Friday, 10 December 2010

the best medicine

"i'm sexy, so you don't have to be"

because i have the lurgy this week and i know it's sweeping the country i thought i'd make everyone happy by showing you this.

it's that sexy bloke from milk making out WITH HIMSELF. it's hard to imagine anything hotter (maybe beyonce).

ps - are you excited for the x-factor final? i'm not. it means i'll have to make small talk with strangers about real issues like that big faggy wimp nick clegg or kettling or wikileaks.
pps - dont worry. there's still the apprentice final and then all the cool christmas telly.