lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.

vote KELIS in on the 6th of may

so whilst christina aguilera is jumping on the 'i'm a robot from the future!' pop bandwagon that's already been crashed by lady gaga, kelis has taken a...um...different direction. the lib dems by the looks of things. lots of yellow

ignoring the future as much as possible the video for 'acapella' features wolves, bright colours, A HEADDRESS, and a baby.

so it's exactly like the video for milkshake!

when you think about it kelis is just like rihanna but older, harder and with grills.

so that headdress is pretty good. pretty stylish. they only look good on women though. like grace jones or karen o.

when gays wear them it's just shit and depressing. queens are cool but with no one to rule over you're just a loser with a bad choice of hat.

'acapella' looks like it was shot in the olden days. bit grainy. BUT WHEN IS IT OUT IN 3D KELIS?!

there's an election soon apparently so you have to go register to vote or you're a douche. here's some shit VICE are doing on it. if the tories win then they might bring back hunting which would be good for kelis as she hunts for geese or whatever @ 0:50.

if kelis was in the running for government i'd probably vote for her, mainly through fear. better than nick clegg. she rocks yellow more than he does @ 2:15.

frankly it's a bit rich that a black woman is allowed to paint herself all these fabulous colours and not get called racist. i think she's being politically incorrect wouldn't you say nick griffin?

such a babe.

she's like a slutty butterfly @ 2:15. a SLUTTERFLY one might say. are slutterflies just butterflies with bigger jugs and blonder hair?

now the end is odd because she just turns around and there's a baby on her back. it may be her son, it may be one of madonna's. eitherway it's there. fair and square.

whatever happened to the merry old days of when a popstar could just make a video about drinking dairy products?

TO THE YARD

much better.

VICE STYLE & lagerfeld bat their lashes

ok so the people at VICE want everyone to all go and look at VICESTYLE. it's an alright website, full of pretty pictures of people in alright clothes. some people get their jugs out. untill i see some guys getting their butts out i really dont care but i live in hope. they also sent me a cool photo of the best person in fashion. LOOK

i enjoy him a lot. imagine if he was your local librarian?

ok so i enjoy this video too:

BAT FOR LASHES - DANIEL

not because it's got my name in, i just think it's a cool song. the video is, not so.

she's in a hoody with her own band's name on it? i hope she paid for that. she certainly didn't pay these art students dressed in balloons enough. they're not even interpreting what they're doing. they're just beating the shit out of her. seriously, it's like leigh bowry (rubber suit wearing gay. dead now) called forth some fashion demons who weren't arty or fashiony, just annoying.

it's like some people from boombox (club night. dead now. i think, i don't live in london) or a vice style party are attacking a london rude gurl. she's strong though. so art school it hurts.

i swear these douches were pinched from a patrick wolf gig or something.

i guess this is what all the kids who went to boombox are doing now. that or rioting at american apparel. (seriously what was the big guffawing fuss about? i like bright colours too but i'd rather eat an orange and watch over the rainbow than go jumping around brick lane fighting off vacuum packed jean clad douches for a pair of spangly long johns. i already own a pair of american app long johns. they're purple and i didn't have to get into a fight to get them. CHILL OUT).

basically just go out, wear decent clothes, dance to stuff, avoid people wearing balloons, go look at VICE (especially you) and remember: if in doubt, act like karl lagerfeld.