lessons: michael jackson's 'thriller' is DEAD lame

i'm doing michael jackson's thriller this week because it's the only 'scary' video i can think of.

michael jackson - 'thriller'

as it's a soul sucking 13:43 minutes long here's a brief summary.

prologue = boring & lame

part I = unscary lame

part II = postmodern but still lame

part III = undead and lame

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

part V = lame

prologue:

lame disclaimer about not believing in the occult. no one cares. and the occult is cool. check out my great uncle aleister crowley if you want proof.

part I = unscary lame

michael and some whore who posed for playboy one time are probably about to go at it in the dark of the woods which would be truly scary. appaz the jacket is supposed to make him look virile. HAHAHAH

oh but wait. he's not like other guys. just when you expect him to declare his latent interest in male butt holes he turns into a werewolf. see twilight fans, this is what a REAL lycanthrope looks like.

oh wait it's a werecat. sounds lame but personally much more scary. cats are fucking evil and not to be trusted. apart from thundercats, though they're still pretty weird.

part II = postmodern but still lame

so the wolf is chasing titty mcnippleout. oh wait. it's a film in a cinema. a cinema full of people having fun including two people who share an uncanny resemblance with those on screen.

titty mcnippleout is a total pussy for wanting to walk out of a film. who does that? really? unless the film is like 'sex and the city 2'?

she's also dumb coz she's not figured that the guy and the girl in the film are EXACT REPLICAS of her and her boyfriend.

to cheer up his lame girlfriend michael dances in the street. he's giving it beans but she's just being lame and walking around. seriously, cut the bitch loose and hook up with someone who's more up you're street AND OF LEGAL AGE.

part III = undead and lame

zombies are well good but it's nearly seven minutes into this shit storm and not one of them has danced yet. also i love how getting out of your eternal grave is so easy for these zombies. did you guys see that episode of buffy? it takes her a proper EFFORT and trauma to get out of there. and she's a vampire slayer for god's sake. are america's gravediggers just shoddy workers or what?

all the zombies are gunning for that boring bitch with michael. and who can blame them? she's fucking rubbish.

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

ah here we go. anyone who says they dont try to at least imitate THIS BIT when they're drunk and this song comes on is LYING. every ones does it because it's amazing.

part V = lame

ok now we're back to the lame story bit. and the zombies are going to eat whatsherface. oh no they're not. LAME LAME LAME LAME

you know when they do this on sunday's x-factor for the big group sing song (and if they don't they're missing a HUGE trick) i hope that they recreate the entire routine (even mary) with wagner as the michael jackson character. but knowing brian friedman, who is enjoying far too much exposure this year, it'll probably be really standard until cher lloyd appears wearing a pair of trousers crafted from michael jackson's dead body and pulling that face she always pulls.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

geordie pleasures: bum joe? NO NO

whilst writing this i got sidetracked by singing because, you know, my life is a musical. all gays' lives are musicals. just look at joe mcelderry's video for 'ambitions'

like bjork's 'oh so quiet' video without the irony.

but seriously, every gay you meet is trapped, whether they like it or not, in a toe-tapping, jazz-handing, liza minelli fest.

lady here has just been told this:

she looks shocked and disgusted, perhaps even sorry BUT WAIT -

she just gets sucked into the dance routine. it's a lot like that episode of buffy with no vampires (YEAH FUCK YOU CULLEN LOL)

this ability to lure unsuspecting bystanders into their carnival of musical amusement is the main reason why homophobia still exists. nothing to do with taking it up the arse. why?

because no one has sex in musicals. i mean sure, they sing about bumping uglies; but that's about as good as phone sex.

so when people have a go at little joe for being a nancy bum artiste it has nothing to do with sex. because joe doesn't have sex. unfortunate given how pretty he is.

yes - i fancy joe mcelderry. no fucking clue why. i reckon it's coz he's a geordie and with the exception of ant&dec and roaul moat i fucking love geordies.

YES he wears a lot of make up.

YES he is overstyled.

YES he is deeeply boring

but i dont care.

couldn't give a flyin FOOK PET. ha way. byker grove etc.

i'm going to marry joe mcelderry and he will speak to me through song. no bumming. george michael tried to bum joe but failed. cue getting stoned and crashing into a shop.

none of that anal sex thank you very much george michael. STAY AWAY FROM JOE. or i'm going to stuff your face full of wham bars you fatty boom.

finally if that's not BENDERIFIC enough for you, the video was directed by someone called nigel dick HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ps - remember to watch x-factor or duncan bannatyne will blap you with his caledonian sausage

pps - WAGNER RULES

OK NO: dog abuse is not cool

here's ok go's latest "music video"

if i could be bothered i would send the letter bellow to ok go along with a small dog poo. sadly i am very busy being the best damn housewife liverpool has ever seen. here's a recent photo

dear douchebags,

not that i mind but what exactly are you trying to prove in your music videos? seriously.

you can have a prize for the treadmill video and the more autistic amongst us will enjoy 'this too shall pass' for it's sheer intricate simplicity. but when did it become ok to abuse dogs in such a manner?

did you ask these canines if they minded being wheeled around on shelves or balanced on multicoloured plastic beams? bet you didn't you cuntys.

you may be wearing all white but it's the white of the evil scientist. not angelic white. i have a degree in stories and i am well aware of what part you play.

wheeling the dogs around on chairs is just, odd. the whole thing is like a really demented crufts.

i blame that fat member of your band with the bald head. why is it always the baldies with the weird ideas? elmer fudd, dr evil, lex luthor, gail porter. they're ALWAYS up to something.

patrick stewart is exempt because he's picard AND professor xavier.

the point stands. stop abusing dogs in your cult of "quirky" videos. at least torment an evil animal like a cat.

yours irately,

a dog lover

p.s - if you ever do a video with sloths, i will personally end you.

does anyone have an address i can send this too? here's a boss sloth video