best of 2010

recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.

50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.

5. primary colours 'princess'

this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.

pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.

cons: distinct lack of tina turner

4. unkle 'the answer'

ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.

pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.

cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.

3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'

>

i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.

pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.

cons: snoop dog. and katy perry.

2. lady gaga feat. beyoncé 'telephone'

would be criminal not to include this really.

pros: dykes. strong women. prison. pussy wagon. telephone made out of hair. a diner. murder. cookery. a dance routine. BEYONCE.

cons: long. partially sponsored by virgin. unenjoyable if you are a shit person.

1. chase and status 'blind faith'

a camera follows a group of young men to a disco.

pros: everything. the lights, the dancing, the singing. all of it.

cons: if you don't agree with taking drugs it will probably offend/mean nothing to you. even so, BRILLIANT.

have fun tonight. have a cry. use a condom.

love

VIMRS

lessons: respect your crabs

have you ever had crabs? i have. twice. one time from a dirty blanket in east london and the other from a client, also in east london. the lesson here, dont go to east london.

but seriously, crabs. if you've ever had them you'll know how resilient they are. i admire the little bastards in a way. their resistance to destruction deserves a little respect.*

imagine an infestation of crabs who do song and dance routines in skimpy clothes. they look something like this.

ok now imagine one crab is particularly prominent and is much more attractive than the other crabs. she looks like this.

and there you have the reason for nicole scherzinger's burgeoning pop career.

here's the video for debut single 'poison'

looking for victims

found some!

driving through the pubes like a louse out of hell

gurning on too much human blood

she's catchy. you have been warned.

*note - you can actually get rid of crabs with derbac. have fun asking for that at the chemist counter.

the best medicine

"i'm sexy, so you don't have to be"

because i have the lurgy this week and i know it's sweeping the country i thought i'd make everyone happy by showing you this.

it's that sexy bloke from milk making out WITH HIMSELF. it's hard to imagine anything hotter (maybe beyonce).

ps - are you excited for the x-factor final? i'm not. it means i'll have to make small talk with strangers about real issues like that big faggy wimp nick clegg or kettling or wikileaks.

pps - dont worry. there's still the apprentice final and then all the cool christmas telly.

and remember: WEAR YOUR FUCKING THERMALS

lessons: wear your thermals

given all this arctic weather we've been experiencing you'd be forgiven for dressing up in thermal gear your nan has bought you and pretending you're sweedish like i'm currently doing.

but if you're a pop star or a finalist in that there x-factor telly programme then you're probably performing in music videos where you talk to people who are not famous about how famous you are.

take a look at justin bieber's video for 'pray'.

i don't know a lot about justin bieber. apart from the fact he can dance well and (like the pope) he has an army of extremist fans known as 'beliebers'.

'pray' is justin's serious video. i am flooded with nausea whenever a pop star does this. you know that thing they do when they take a break from singing songs about love, da club or being the "only girl in the world" and decide to tackle an issue. it's usually poverty. or famine. or disease. or a melange of all three.

YES some proceeds go to charity

YES it's ethically sound

YES it's perfect for christmas time

but that doesn't stop the aforementioned pop star being a holy douchelord. i mean come on, this chick just looks confused that justin bieber is talking to her

here's how that conversation went:

bieber - hey. you're sick huh?

girl - yes. quite a bit actually. can i help you?

bieber - i came to talk to you about my belief in god. and my pubes.

girl - but you don't have pubes.

bieber - .....

despite this douchery, bieber does know how to rock a thermal

thumbs up justin. but please - quit being a patronising little shit. anyone can (and should!) wear a thermal vest. there's no reason to be smug.

even the x-factor finalists are jumping on the charity christmas single bandwagon.

i dont know about you but if i were in the armed forces i would not appreciate louis from one direction asking me about my experiences in war which are no doubt beyond horrific. i would like the opportunity to ask why they always dress louis like the thief of baghdad though.

i mean the way this video is going you'd think that the x-factor finalists were proposing to go off to war. my bets are on mary byrne being the only one to make it out of helmand alive.

finally take a look at this this audiovisual razorblade enema from mel c. you remember mel? the spice girl who had the best bits in the songs but no one actually wanted to dress up as because her outfits were lame. yeah her.

LOOK AT THIS OFFENSE TO 90s POP

i've been in the same room as mel c. it was DEAD awkward because after mel trollyed out 'i turn to you' the others came on and informed us that mel's new album was out and we should all go out and buy it. cue the entire of o2 arena resolutely sitting down in DISGUST.

LOVE THE HAIR MEL.

hahah i love this picture. she seems to be saying 'where did it all go wrong? is it coz i'm scouse likhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhch?'

the answer is: "no. it all went wrong because

YOU DIDN'T WEAR YOUR THERMALS MELANIE"

wrap up warm sexies.