video is my radio star

lessons: ke$ha does EQUALITY

2011-03-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

i've clearly been neglecting my music video watching duties boys and girls. because shit just got real on planet music video.

i could pretend i haven't seen the 'yawn this way' video by lady huge nose. but i'd be wrong because i saw it and i'm never going to be able to un-see it the same way john galliano wont be able to retract his love for a certain austrian fascist dictator.

i could review it. but it's overhyped, overblown and overlong. go HERE and judge for yourself.

naturally the gayz are up in arms about 'yawn this way' and there are some (a LOT) who herald hugenose with being the second coming (herself included). she's good, but about as christ-like as i am. this whole 'yawn this way' fiasco drips with disingenuousness.

it's almost as if she has killed gloria gaynor resurrected her with the power of elton john's dildo wand and caused her corpse to dance all over harvey milk's grave fat & naked, covered in glitter and shitting rainbows.

here's a much better video from ke$ha. that also features rainbows amongst some other stuff i like.

1. ke$ha being ke$ha. not ke$ha shamelessly exploiting a targeted demographic

2. people with UNICORN heads. uhh-mazing

3. gun shoes. slightly budget but you know, it's FINE

4. amusing puns on james van der beek's name

5. a RAINBOW GUN FIGHT

there's also a bit where they BOTH remove their bras. now that's REAL equality.

PEACE

A word from Head "Gooper"

2011-02-23T04:15:00.000-08:00

Hello,

My name is Gwyneth Paltrow and whilst VIMRS is away I will be writing this week's post.

I am experienced in posting content online so you are in safe hands. I do a newsletter, a goop of my personal recommendations on how you should live your life. It is not a condescending advice dispenser as misguided people in the media have often declared. I like clean places that feel nice and I want you, yes you to inhabit these places with me. Don't come too close though, we must nourish the inner aspect and be vigilant of personal boundaries.

I learned a lot on the set of Glee. Those kids really know how to sing AND dance, I mean it's such a skill, you know? And I got some way to mastering it. I actively put these skills to use when I performed at the Grammy's with CeeLo Green.

My husband, the lead singer of Coldplay said that I did very well. And he should know! He is a very entertaining and politically aware rock star. I mean, have you heard his song 'Yellow'? It is so moving I cry into my new Goldspank sequinned tissue every time I hear it. These tissues are available on www.goop.com for $110 a packet in case you were wondering.

Let's watch one of his amazing music videos. Most of them are of him performing at sell-out gigs and I know you have been to all of those so I've picked one that is especially touching and ALWAYS elicits a tear from yours truly.

Coldplay - The Scientist
Uploaded by itami. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

It's backwards because he wants to go back in time to a the time when his girlfriend wasn't dead due to his careless driving.* Isn't that clever and emotionally advanced? I was asked to be in the video but I had to decline because I was visiting Mexico at the time and nourishing my inner Aztec.

Gee! I have to go and do my goop. It's been a pleasure!

love
Gwyneth

*I would like to point out that Chrisopher neither drinks nor smokes.

my nan is better than nicki minaj

2011-01-28T04:54:00.000-08:00

i've not been well this week. i've been coughing, sneezing and aching all over. want to know how sick i was?

i had a fever dream that my body was a factory and i didn't need to get a job because my body was my livelihood. i'm telling you, freud would have a field day with me.

so i've been languishing in bed and hacking up my sexy innards. thank god for my nan. after swearing at me quite vehemently regarding my new hair cut, she materialized like a fairy godmother on my doorstep bearing all the essentials for when you're sick.

lemons - for hot toddy assembly

oranges - for vitamins

(cooked)sausages - unsure. whatever. i had a nice sandwich

yoghurt - for "good" bacteria. but it wasn't yakult so it's less wanky

whiskey - for fun!

it was a lot like this video:

yes, my nan is the old white catholic version of nicki minaj. i'm going to languish in bed some more and watch boxsets.

lessons: it's ok to like ke$ha

2011-01-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

second of all, there was no post last week because i was in berlin. if you've not been then i suggest you go and have a beer or two because it is very, very good. amongst other activities i got to:

- sing to my hearts content in monster ronson's ichiban kareoke: here.

- learn all i could about that pesky hitler bloke: here.

- pick up the latest copy of exberliner: here.

- and watch my friend conspicuously throw up on a table in a cool bar: here.

all in all, there was a good time had...by all. now to business.

i used to majorly slag off ke$ha for spelling her name with a dollar sign. I WAS WRONG. my time in uber liberal and sexy berlin taught me the error of my judgeMENTAL ways.

here's her alternative video for 'take it off'

here's why i like this video:

1. ke$ha

you show me the last young pop singer to have the balls to dress as trashy as she does. plus in this video she's half animal and stuff. she's like a were-cat only with more glitter and an army of gays. 10 POINTS

2. colour - fuck what you heard about being all dark and grey this winter. on planet pop EVERYTHING MUST BE BRIGHT AND FuCKING COLOurFUL.

3. jeffree star

i forgot this fag even existed. remember when he was the uber queer of myspace? remember when you cared? now he just shows up only to get annihilated by ke$ha's slut voodoo. bet you he wishes he'd spelt HIS name with a dollar sign.

4. animism

anything that suggests you have an inner animal totem is evidence that ke$ha is, you know, well meta and not a total slag wagon at all.

5. ke$ha

because she's not katy fucking perry.

best of 2010

2010-12-31T05:06:00.000-08:00

recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.

50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.

5. primary colours 'princess'

this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.

pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.

cons: distinct lack of tina turner

4. unkle 'the answer'

ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.

pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.

cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.

3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'

i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.

pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.

cons: snoop dog. and katy perry.

2. lady gaga feat. beyoncé 'telephone'

would be criminal not to include this really.

pros: dykes. strong women. prison. pussy wagon. telephone made out of hair. a diner. murder. cookery. a dance routine. BEYONCE.

cons: long. partially sponsored by virgin. unenjoyable if you are a shit person.

1. chase and status 'blind faith'

a camera follows a group of young men to a disco.

pros: everything. the lights, the dancing, the singing. all of it.

cons: if you don't agree with taking drugs it will probably offend/mean nothing to you. even so, BRILLIANT.

have fun tonight. have a cry. use a condom.

love

VIMRS

lessons: respect your crabs

2010-12-17T03:26:00.000-08:00

have you ever had crabs? i have. twice. one time from a dirty blanket in east london and the other from a client, also in east london. the lesson here, dont go to east london.

but seriously, crabs. if you've ever had them you'll know how resilient they are. i admire the little bastards in a way. their resistance to destruction deserves a little respect.*

imagine an infestation of crabs who do song and dance routines in skimpy clothes. they look something like this.

ok now imagine one crab is particularly prominent and is much more attractive than the other crabs. she looks like this.

and there you have the reason for nicole scherzinger's burgeoning pop career.

here's the video for debut single 'poison'

looking for victims

found some!

driving through the pubes like a louse out of hell

gurning on too much human blood

she's catchy. you have been warned.

*note - you can actually get rid of crabs with derbac. have fun asking for that at the chemist counter.

the best medicine

2010-12-10T05:37:00.000-08:00

"i'm sexy, so you don't have to be"

because i have the lurgy this week and i know it's sweeping the country i thought i'd make everyone happy by showing you this.

it's that sexy bloke from milk making out WITH HIMSELF. it's hard to imagine anything hotter (maybe beyonce).

ps - are you excited for the x-factor final? i'm not. it means i'll have to make small talk with strangers about real issues like that big faggy wimp nick clegg or kettling or wikileaks.

pps - dont worry. there's still the apprentice final and then all the cool christmas telly.

and remember: WEAR YOUR FUCKING THERMALS

lessons: wear your thermals

2010-12-03T02:59:00.001-08:00

given all this arctic weather we've been experiencing you'd be forgiven for dressing up in thermal gear your nan has bought you and pretending you're sweedish like i'm currently doing.

but if you're a pop star or a finalist in that there x-factor telly programme then you're probably performing in music videos where you talk to people who are not famous about how famous you are.

take a look at justin bieber's video for 'pray'.

i don't know a lot about justin bieber. apart from the fact he can dance well and (like the pope) he has an army of extremist fans known as 'beliebers'.

'pray' is justin's serious video. i am flooded with nausea whenever a pop star does this. you know that thing they do when they take a break from singing songs about love, da club or being the "only girl in the world" and decide to tackle an issue. it's usually poverty. or famine. or disease. or a melange of all three.

YES some proceeds go to charity

YES it's ethically sound

YES it's perfect for christmas time

but that doesn't stop the aforementioned pop star being a holy douchelord. i mean come on, this chick just looks confused that justin bieber is talking to her

here's how that conversation went:

bieber - hey. you're sick huh?

girl - yes. quite a bit actually. can i help you?

bieber - i came to talk to you about my belief in god. and my pubes.

girl - but you don't have pubes.

bieber - .....

despite this douchery, bieber does know how to rock a thermal

thumbs up justin. but please - quit being a patronising little shit. anyone can (and should!) wear a thermal vest. there's no reason to be smug.

even the x-factor finalists are jumping on the charity christmas single bandwagon.

i dont know about you but if i were in the armed forces i would not appreciate louis from one direction asking me about my experiences in war which are no doubt beyond horrific. i would like the opportunity to ask why they always dress louis like the thief of baghdad though.

i mean the way this video is going you'd think that the x-factor finalists were proposing to go off to war. my bets are on mary byrne being the only one to make it out of helmand alive.

finally take a look at this this audiovisual razorblade enema from mel c. you remember mel? the spice girl who had the best bits in the songs but no one actually wanted to dress up as because her outfits were lame. yeah her.

LOOK AT THIS OFFENSE TO 90s POP

i've been in the same room as mel c. it was DEAD awkward because after mel trollyed out 'i turn to you' the others came on and informed us that mel's new album was out and we should all go out and buy it. cue the entire of o2 arena resolutely sitting down in DISGUST.

LOVE THE HAIR MEL.

hahah i love this picture. she seems to be saying 'where did it all go wrong? is it coz i'm scouse likhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhch?'

the answer is: "no. it all went wrong because

YOU DIDN'T WEAR YOUR THERMALS MELANIE"

wrap up warm sexies.

lessons: my birthday is exactly like this

2010-11-23T03:12:00.000-08:00

here's a video of what i'll be doing for the rest of the week

Madonna - Celebration
Uploaded by WBRNewMedia. - Explore more music videos.

i'm selling the dress to anne widdecombe when i'm done.

peace

lessons: take that should cut the TWAT

2010-11-19T05:20:00.000-08:00

you know that feeling when you look in the sock drawer and think "i just need to reduce my amount of socks by 75%". i cant help feeling that's what four fifths of take that feel like whenever they look at robbie.

here's 'the flood'

first, let me say that i never really 'got' take that. they split up when i was more pre-occupied with deciding which spice girl i was going to be at break time (clue: it rhymes with 'berry'). but they were pretty huge.

here's a brief summary:

1995 - take that break up because robbie williams is a big douche

2006 - take that reform as a foursome without robbie who is busy being a big douche

2010 - take that decide to let robbie, the world renowned big douche, rejoin the band. on the same day VIMRS cries himself to sleep in despair. they become boring and cant dance anymore because robbie is too fat.

if each member of take that was a constituent body part robbie williams is definitely the ARSE of the whole operation. he's like school in the summer time: no class.

he is a chunky shit. who does he think he is getting fat? gary barlow? (note: gary is definitely better than this butter lusting chunk fiend)

i draw your attention to how much fun take that were having when he wasn't around

LOOK at them doing 'shine'

if take that are reading this (i know you love me jason but we cant be together. not after your williams-shaped betrayal) then please realise that:

YOU DO NOT NEED ROBBIE WILLIAMS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR!

mark is a decent lead, gary is a fine songwriter and jason and crackhead are fairly good dancers. honestly, cut the fat and be good again. he's only going to break your hearts by sitting on them with his huuuuge, coke-fuelled fatty mcfat butt cheeks. you have been warned.

ps - vote for wagner

pps - it wasn't all take twat monochrome boredom this week. kate and wills are getting married. HOORAY

arts cuts? what arts cuts?

2010-11-12T05:02:00.000-08:00

here's the video for 'backyard superman' by eric ness. he's some musician who got sergej hein to direct his latest music video.

this video is on vimeo. ooooooh. the thinking blogger's youtube.

Backyard Superman from Sergej Hein on Vimeo.

it's budget but still fun. see, screw the tories taking away all our money - we can still do art LOL

a man, presumed to be eric ness flies into a house perched on top of an east london flat.

he has four severed heads lying around his flat which is disturbing if you stop to think about it.

he's trying to impress a girl who totally isn't interested. which is weird really because if i met a guy who could fly and carried severed heads round in his backpack then i'd go out with him, purely through fear.

who are those heads? are they past lovers? they've clearly wronged him in some way. it's ok they look like douchelords. they're the type of people who vote for katie waissel on sex factor.

GET RID OF THE BITCH NOW NOW NOW SHE IS A LOOOOOOSER

well that was weird.

ps - rebecca ferguson is from liverpool like me. she's PYAH BOSS

FIRE BERK is BEAUTIFUL

2010-11-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

as it's the 5th of november i'm doing a firework related video. it's called "firework" by katy perry.

for some reason katy made the video "private" so i cant watch it on youboob so we're using dailymotion.

get over it

Katy Perry - Firework (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

let it be known that i don't like katy perry. she's basically a try hard version of zooey deschanel who cant sing live for toffee. i did have a bit to say about how she compensated for this by being zany (PURPLE HAIR? YOU CRAZY BITCH LOL) but...yeah.

she's doing that thing recording artists occasionally do when they "reach out" to their fans with some inspirational "message" about tuning into their own inner awesomeness. or some shit.

the last person to successfully exploit the fat girl/homo/misfit/bully victim/anorexic/tranny/weirdo market was christina aguilera with her heartfelt "beautiful" video. katy's "firework" is a clear re-working:

both have gays

both have girls with body issues

and both have a strong female role model who serves to inspire these kids out of adversity

katy perry

christina aguilera

and people exploding. gotta say i DO like fireworks. but if folk started running about with what is basically a really lame x-men power i'd sort of be like "hey katy! LOVE the firework thing but what would be really impressive is if you sang live on x-factor"

WOOPSY

happy bonfire night.

ps - vote for wagner

lessons: michael jackson's 'thriller' is DEAD lame

2010-10-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

i'm doing michael jackson's thriller this week because it's the only 'scary' video i can think of.

michael jackson - 'thriller'

as it's a soul sucking 13:43 minutes long here's a brief summary.

prologue = boring & lame

part I = unscary lame

part II = postmodern but still lame

part III = undead and lame

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

part V = lame

prologue:

lame disclaimer about not believing in the occult. no one cares. and the occult is cool. check out my great uncle aleister crowley if you want proof.

part I = unscary lame

michael and some whore who posed for playboy one time are probably about to go at it in the dark of the woods which would be truly scary. appaz the jacket is supposed to make him look virile. HAHAHAH

oh but wait. he's not like other guys. just when you expect him to declare his latent interest in male butt holes he turns into a werewolf. see twilight fans, this is what a REAL lycanthrope looks like.

oh wait it's a werecat. sounds lame but personally much more scary. cats are fucking evil and not to be trusted. apart from thundercats, though they're still pretty weird.

part II = postmodern but still lame

so the wolf is chasing titty mcnippleout. oh wait. it's a film in a cinema. a cinema full of people having fun including two people who share an uncanny resemblance with those on screen.

titty mcnippleout is a total pussy for wanting to walk out of a film. who does that? really? unless the film is like 'sex and the city 2'?

she's also dumb coz she's not figured that the guy and the girl in the film are EXACT REPLICAS of her and her boyfriend.

to cheer up his lame girlfriend michael dances in the street. he's giving it beans but she's just being lame and walking around. seriously, cut the bitch loose and hook up with someone who's more up you're street AND OF LEGAL AGE.

part III = undead and lame

zombies are well good but it's nearly seven minutes into this shit storm and not one of them has danced yet. also i love how getting out of your eternal grave is so easy for these zombies. did you guys see that episode of buffy? it takes her a proper EFFORT and trauma to get out of there. and she's a vampire slayer for god's sake. are america's gravediggers just shoddy workers or what?

all the zombies are gunning for that boring bitch with michael. and who can blame them? she's fucking rubbish.

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

ah here we go. anyone who says they dont try to at least imitate THIS BIT when they're drunk and this song comes on is LYING. every ones does it because it's amazing.

part V = lame

ok now we're back to the lame story bit. and the zombies are going to eat whatsherface. oh no they're not. LAME LAME LAME LAME

you know when they do this on sunday's x-factor for the big group sing song (and if they don't they're missing a HUGE trick) i hope that they recreate the entire routine (even mary) with wagner as the michael jackson character. but knowing brian friedman, who is enjoying far too much exposure this year, it'll probably be really standard until cher lloyd appears wearing a pair of trousers crafted from michael jackson's dead body and pulling that face she always pulls.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

geordie pleasures: bum joe? NO NO

2010-10-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

whilst writing this i got sidetracked by singing because, you know, my life is a musical. all gays' lives are musicals. just look at joe mcelderry's video for 'ambitions'

like bjork's 'oh so quiet' video without the irony.

but seriously, every gay you meet is trapped, whether they like it or not, in a toe-tapping, jazz-handing, liza minelli fest.

lady here has just been told this:

she looks shocked and disgusted, perhaps even sorry BUT WAIT -

she just gets sucked into the dance routine. it's a lot like that episode of buffy with no vampires (YEAH FUCK YOU CULLEN LOL)

this ability to lure unsuspecting bystanders into their carnival of musical amusement is the main reason why homophobia still exists. nothing to do with taking it up the arse. why?

because no one has sex in musicals. i mean sure, they sing about bumping uglies; but that's about as good as phone sex.

so when people have a go at little joe for being a nancy bum artiste it has nothing to do with sex. because joe doesn't have sex. unfortunate given how pretty he is.

yes - i fancy joe mcelderry. no fucking clue why. i reckon it's coz he's a geordie and with the exception of ant&dec and roaul moat i fucking love geordies.

YES he wears a lot of make up.

YES he is overstyled.

YES he is deeeply boring

but i dont care.

couldn't give a flyin FOOK PET. ha way. byker grove etc.

i'm going to marry joe mcelderry and he will speak to me through song. no bumming. george michael tried to bum joe but failed. cue getting stoned and crashing into a shop.

none of that anal sex thank you very much george michael. STAY AWAY FROM JOE. or i'm going to stuff your face full of wham bars you fatty boom.

finally if that's not BENDERIFIC enough for you, the video was directed by someone called nigel dick HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ps - remember to watch x-factor or duncan bannatyne will blap you with his caledonian sausage

pps - WAGNER RULES

OK NO: dog abuse is not cool

2010-10-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

here's ok go's latest "music video"

if i could be bothered i would send the letter bellow to ok go along with a small dog poo. sadly i am very busy being the best damn housewife liverpool has ever seen. here's a recent photo

dear douchebags,

not that i mind but what exactly are you trying to prove in your music videos? seriously.

you can have a prize for the treadmill video and the more autistic amongst us will enjoy 'this too shall pass' for it's sheer intricate simplicity. but when did it become ok to abuse dogs in such a manner?

did you ask these canines if they minded being wheeled around on shelves or balanced on multicoloured plastic beams? bet you didn't you cuntys.

you may be wearing all white but it's the white of the evil scientist. not angelic white. i have a degree in stories and i am well aware of what part you play.

wheeling the dogs around on chairs is just, odd. the whole thing is like a really demented crufts.

i blame that fat member of your band with the bald head. why is it always the baldies with the weird ideas? elmer fudd, dr evil, lex luthor, gail porter. they're ALWAYS up to something.

patrick stewart is exempt because he's picard AND professor xavier.

the point stands. stop abusing dogs in your cult of "quirky" videos. at least torment an evil animal like a cat.

yours irately,

a dog lover

p.s - if you ever do a video with sloths, i will personally end you.

does anyone have an address i can send this too? here's a boss sloth video

truths: God loves snogging statues

2010-08-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

before we begin, having a crush on a statue is normal. here's a picture of the statue i fancy.

he's on a war memorial and i walk past him every day that i walk into work. we never speak because he's busy looking after a small child. and he's a statue. easily the best looking statue on the memorial. apart from the angel but they have no bits so they're only good for a snog. anyway my point is; it's ok to fancy statues.

just like Madonna in the 'like a prayer' video.

Madonna - Like A Prayer [Video]
Uploaded by WBRNewMedia. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

ok so the first indication that none of what follows is real is when Madonna falls over. this never EVER happens. as a being who had a whole fucking arm, let alone a hand, in the creation of the world, Her falling over is a mathematical impossibility.

second clue is when She opens the door to let Herself into church. all churches are Hers and their doors automatically open when ever she shows up. it's not a courtesy thing or anything, it just happens.

this crying statue is pretty accurate though because She can cause anything to cry. these people are faggy wimps but i totally understand where they're coming from.

She brings the statue to life only to be abandoned by the ungrateful fuck. what can we deduce from this? that:

a) the statue has no 'junk' in manner of a ken doll

b) the statue is just not that into Her

c) the statue is gay

WRONG bottom feeder. none of the above. here's why:

a) WRONG beacue a cock simply appears for Her whenever she wants one.

b) WRONG because no such creature exists

c) WRONG because you are hung up on labels

the idea that a knife could penetrate Her skin without permission is actually insane. besides they are not Her hands. look how slutty they are, they're obviously lindsay lohan's hands after she dropped her and sam's spike-dildo 3000. i wonder how that lez is doing in the slammer. i imagine its like bad girls meets mean girls; so it would be like mad girls. whatever, she's knee fucking deep in minge. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

the choir spring from Her mind. this is why they are cool. it has nothing to do with the fact that they're black.

the woman who gets murdered in the back alley is actually a human grown from the nasal tissue of barbara streisand. those guys are fag puritans who worship babs through daily screenings of 'funny girl'

She didn't take any action to save this weird genetically engineered curio because She knew it survived. here's a recent picture.

She then goes to hang out with the choir and snogs the statue. that's nice. and just like that new christopher nolan film starring the bloke from titanic who now resembles bacon, the whole thing is revealed to be a dream. i know, sort of lame - HAHA SHUT UP ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S AMAZING.

if you're still not convinced about Her having created pretty much everything - i refer you to this.

Amen.

KATE BUSH IS COMING HOME

2010-06-23T03:17:00.000-07:00

this is kate bush supporting england from 1978. couldn't be arsed with three lions.

COME ON ENGLAND

questions: who is the real christina aguilera?

2010-05-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

no i'm not going to talk about the incident. we let it happen so there's only ourselves to blame. but then again we're also to blame for cool stuff like refrigeration and birth control so BUCK UP piss worm, all is not lost.

christina aguilera may be lame right now but she wasn't always so pathetic. was she?

EVIDENCE

candyman

anything 40s/50s is a hot ticket right now so yeah. she should get back to this shit. just look at how much fun she's having. she's having so much fun it's made this guy lose his mind.

is campari even nice? i don't care if they sponsor amazing shit like this. "christina" has had a few too many by the looks of this

and look, rosie the riveter. feminists get a major-league hard one for this woman. and so do i. i want her to work my land. or something. we didn't even have rosie in england did we? whatever. she looks good and is ideologically sound.

notice anything funny about the ending? DATS RIOGHT: it wasn't made by christina. this was some chick called "candy".

fighter

click dis

some luminary i used to go to school with said of this video: "she's turned into a PYAH goth". and i agree. starting off imprisoned in some glass box which is eventually smashed, "christina" hump backs her way around a big cave thing. looking a bit like a rubber-loving-witchity-goth crossed with tim burton's wet dream by way of the micky mouse club? whatever. this is a long departure from genie in a bottle.

she breaks out of the goth phase and gets all blonde with her goddess powers or something. but she's got moths flying around her. moths? really christina? is that really what you want to be deity to? MOTHS? fine have it your way, i would have chosen the butterfly but that's boring. but a MOTH? that you set on fire? i really hope the moth was not set on fire. imagine being immolated purely because "christina aguilera" was your god? fuck i'm glad i'm not a moth.

now comes some black widow phase or something. she's wearing red so i guess it's a bit empowering but then she does a lame "break the fourth wall" thing at the end kicking a hole in the screen. it didn't work for sex and the city (seasons 1&2), so it's definitely not going to work for gothmog dunder-crap in this, OK? lame

dirty

yep. THAT video. the artist was given full creative control over this which suggests that this is the real "christina". if you were choosing a video to embody the real you, would you choose 'dirrty'? really? that second r has been EARrNED.

so we have what some interview describes as a "post-apocalyptic orgy". there's foxy boxing between "christina" and some masked douche (maybe it's britney spears?). then a shower of filth that would shame a sewer. that's filth, not sex. sex is fun. getting dirty can BE fun but only if you clean up afterwards. no one has cleaned up here. no one. you can smell it. christina can definitely smell it here:

are you one to crotch watch? (that comes c/o sazbags & egg) LOOK OUT! THERE SHE BLOWS!

ah then they do get showers. showers in what looks like a urinal. is that an all female shower? no. check out the tranny on the right. "christina" could be shitting on them right now.

so the real "christina" is actually a smelly ho. or is she?

TILL NEXT TIME

and yes: i learnt how to do screen grabs

lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

2010-04-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.

vote KELIS in on the 6th of may

2010-04-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

so whilst christina aguilera is jumping on the 'i'm a robot from the future!' pop bandwagon that's already been crashed by lady gaga, kelis has taken a...um...different direction. the lib dems by the looks of things. lots of yellow

ignoring the future as much as possible the video for 'acapella' features wolves, bright colours, A HEADDRESS, and a baby.

so it's exactly like the video for milkshake!

when you think about it kelis is just like rihanna but older, harder and with grills.

so that headdress is pretty good. pretty stylish. they only look good on women though. like grace jones or karen o.

when gays wear them it's just shit and depressing. queens are cool but with no one to rule over you're just a loser with a bad choice of hat.

'acapella' looks like it was shot in the olden days. bit grainy. BUT WHEN IS IT OUT IN 3D KELIS?!

there's an election soon apparently so you have to go register to vote or you're a douche. here's some shit VICE are doing on it. if the tories win then they might bring back hunting which would be good for kelis as she hunts for geese or whatever @ 0:50.

if kelis was in the running for government i'd probably vote for her, mainly through fear. better than nick clegg. she rocks yellow more than he does @ 2:15.

frankly it's a bit rich that a black woman is allowed to paint herself all these fabulous colours and not get called racist. i think she's being politically incorrect wouldn't you say nick griffin?

such a babe.

she's like a slutty butterfly @ 2:15. a SLUTTERFLY one might say. are slutterflies just butterflies with bigger jugs and blonder hair?

now the end is odd because she just turns around and there's a baby on her back. it may be her son, it may be one of madonna's. eitherway it's there. fair and square.

whatever happened to the merry old days of when a popstar could just make a video about drinking dairy products?

TO THE YARD

much better.

VICE STYLE & lagerfeld bat their lashes

2010-04-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

ok so the people at VICE want everyone to all go and look at VICESTYLE. it's an alright website, full of pretty pictures of people in alright clothes. some people get their jugs out. untill i see some guys getting their butts out i really dont care but i live in hope. they also sent me a cool photo of the best person in fashion. LOOK

i enjoy him a lot. imagine if he was your local librarian?

ok so i enjoy this video too:

BAT FOR LASHES - DANIEL

not because it's got my name in, i just think it's a cool song. the video is, not so.

she's in a hoody with her own band's name on it? i hope she paid for that. she certainly didn't pay these art students dressed in balloons enough. they're not even interpreting what they're doing. they're just beating the shit out of her. seriously, it's like leigh bowry (rubber suit wearing gay. dead now) called forth some fashion demons who weren't arty or fashiony, just annoying.

it's like some people from boombox (club night. dead now. i think, i don't live in london) or a vice style party are attacking a london rude gurl. she's strong though. so art school it hurts.

i swear these douches were pinched from a patrick wolf gig or something.

i guess this is what all the kids who went to boombox are doing now. that or rioting at american apparel. (seriously what was the big guffawing fuss about? i like bright colours too but i'd rather eat an orange and watch over the rainbow than go jumping around brick lane fighting off vacuum packed jean clad douches for a pair of spangly long johns. i already own a pair of american app long johns. they're purple and i didn't have to get into a fight to get them. CHILL OUT).

basically just go out, wear decent clothes, dance to stuff, avoid people wearing balloons, go look at VICE (especially you) and remember: if in doubt, act like karl lagerfeld.

st patrick's day lesson: how b*witched created ireland

2010-03-17T02:34:00.000-07:00

gather round ye wee folk and i shall teel thee of the creation of oirlend.

the lord our god sent down four angels and he said they shall be clad entirely in denim. even denim cowboy hats yes! for they would face struggles and hardship the likes of which had not been seen! so they needed something durable to wear that was also funky. and fresh

yes they will come from space from a planet made entirely of gypsies and circus folk. they will also yank the tail of that wily bastard shit SATAN (3:10) for they are better than him. they do not paint themselves red with evil, they wear denim and dance the formation dance!

And lo the four founders of ireland set foot on the earth, which was not very good at the time (there was no ireland!) there was only a lot of grass and shoite lioke dat. the earth was empty of most things apart from animals. yet the pixie wisdom of our angels was strong. so they ventured forth into the jungle

and they didn't converse with the animals exactly they sort of just stood near them. and there they danced the dance of the irish (2:30) it was this dance that led the beasts of the field towards ireland.

CATASTROPHE STRUCK THEN

the founders of ireland fell under the spell of a douchebag snake, who drugged them so they fell asleep. he was called geoff and he looked likeTHIS

yet in that dreamful sleep they did dream the dream of ireland

twas a beautiful dream: one full of skies clear as de sea. in this dream there was beautiful forests wherein dwelt pixie folk laughing and clinking together small metal maraccas. our fearless founders then sailed out of the dream in a small boat.

ONLY TO AWAKEN TO A BIGGER BOAT and some questionable clothes. yet remember it was not their fault as they were in a world full of water and good clothes (denim) are hard to find

they still had not attained the dream of ireland because the world was very wet and one cannot build a country on wet. it was in this time though that they found a very wet dog (2:20). he would be dry once the dream of ireland was achieved!

yet lo they found a little piece of civilization and could begin to build the world anew.

AND BUILD IT THEY DID

yes the four had constructed a world full of trains and fake tan (1:20). and whilst this was ok for the liokes of sum it was not what the angels had been sent to do. they had forgotton the dream of ioreland.

OR HAD THEY? no! in dancing the dance of the irish they managed to get on the train to.....

THE PROMISED LAND! THE PLACE THAT WOULD BE THE HOME OF GUINNES AND SHAMROCKAS AND DE BLARNY STONE!

dats rioght!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

lessons: some shit just works

2010-03-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

yeah i wish i could write some bullshit theory around this video.

but it's literally just stuff happening. and it's amazing. probably the most amazing thing i've seen this week. and i've seen lady gaga.

lessons: mariah carey is the bestest communist

2010-02-24T01:33:00.000-08:00

mariah carey jelly time!

red is kind of a theme. i think it's time to get freudy.

red is the colour of a lot of things appaz. here's a handy list:

- sex

- wine

- communism

- pain

- periods

- liverpool football club

obviously in this video mariah is making a very clever comment on stuff that is red. but mainly she's trying to tell us something about communism. duh.

i live with a communist. she doesn't wear a lot of red but when she does you know she's only doing it to be communist about something. the same is obviously troo of mariah cakes.

there she is, doing away with money @0:47 because from now on we should all share. because she's dressed as a sexy nurse here, she represents a sexy health service. which don't need money. just mariah.

the several sentences (watch them, they're red too. some are white but whatever. mariah carey is "black" but whatever) that flash up throughout are bits of the communist manifesto translated for the facebook generation.

"another mechanic under my hood" - come work on my car comrade! i'll derilicte your balls

"you wont see me for free" - because everything is shared now, even my bootay!

"up out my face" - leave me alone, prole

"break" - break free from the shackles of capitalism!

"ha ha ha ha ha" - ha ha ha ha in your face capitalism!

"up out my face" - seriously prole just step off

"im out of here" - woops, looks like communism doesn't actually work! LATERZ

marx, what a gimp.

@1:35 mariah marx bre

aks out of her barbie box and in so doing, smashes her capitalistic prison. (idonthaveanenglishlitessaytodohonest)

that woman with mariah marx is so fucking annoying i cant even begin. GET THEE TO A GULAG ho.

yeah then there's a big bit at the end where people are having a revolution. with a brass band. totally communist by the by. they are in red afterall.

to conclude, mariah carey = better, richer and blacker than marx&engels put together. haw haw. now say capitalism doesn't work you beardy twats.

i do like a communist party though right?

next time: nietzsche meets cascada - the ubermensch triumph in 'evacuate the dancefloor'

ps - cheryl finally got rid of gashly! now she can go slag it about round toon. cannot wait

dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

2010-02-18T02:45:00.000-08:00

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.

TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

2010-02-08T00:42:00.000-08:00

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

YOU WONT UNDERSTAND "iamamiwhoami"! (VICE has the answers?)

2010-01-27T17:29:00.000-08:00

you've been planning on doing something because somebody asked you: taking out the rubbish, buying some biscuits, sucking their cock, tagging their photos on FB. or you've been asked to write something to do with a feature VICE are doing with noam chomsky (WTF?).

then something much more interesting pops up. like your unexpected/unrequieted love for someone or a pop tart. (DONTFALLINLOVEJUSTEATAPOPTART)

or the iamamiwhoami videos.

prelude 699130082.451322 - offers many things. stuff you'd usually associate with eco-whackjobs. trees. with limbs.

TREES

WITH

LIMBS.

anthropomorphism is clearly what we're all about.

then there's that odd 'birth' bit. honestly, birth meant to be that 'great' thing of beauty that people harp on about? GIVE A SHIT?! that's fucking grim.

keep your ovaries ladies, i'll stick to the ballsports.

no clue what that girl in the dark bath's deal is. maybe it's ke$ha.

9.1.13.669321018 - that girl who might be ke$ha is back. and she's licking a tree. what she thinks she's going to achieve by this is....a potent metaphor maybz? oot!!!! there's an owl.

then there's some spunk dribbling down a tree. whoever shot that needs to drink more water. dehydration is a killer kids.

9.20.19.13.5.723378 - this last one is my favourite. water water everywhere. and not a drip of piss. seriously i hate people who piss in pools. have some control! have a care!

hokkay. so what is all that about? noam chomsky may know so check out VICE's interview with him. or not. i didn't. VICEWANKERLINK.

people reckon those videos are a viral marketing campaign for......

CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

boom.

i'm not sure either but do YOU have a better idea?

VICE travel WANKER

2010-01-24T02:10:00.000-08:00

in keeping with the gun toting theme of the last post here's a non-music video for you to watch for a change.

that's taken from the VICE guide to travel. it's pretty grim; i'm glad VICE went and i don't have to.

in case you didn't notice this is a VICEwanker post i'm doing because i got told to do so. but i segue way-ed into it pretty slick with the whole gun related thing. i thought:

"liberia has guns. the rihanna video featured guns. why not do a segue way?"

having watched all the episodes available on VBS.TV i was pretty freaked out by liberia. i didn't even know the place existed. it's not my fault though, i write a blog. i cant be expected to actually keep up with all the shit that happens in the universe/world.

and it's tough to imagine a place less shitandawful than liberia. maybe haiti (DONATEFOOLS). but hey at least it's a conversation starter at the next party i don't get invited to:

whiteboyME - 'so have you seen that thing i posted about liberia? it's grim'

whiteboyOTHER - 'naw i'm busy with my raving right now[continuousWHITEnoise]'

watch the rest of the series. it only gets worse. but that's the beauty of the internet. you can observe the weird and gross without even having to leave yourprecious macbook (which i bet is totally white).

rihanna needs you!

2010-01-21T02:54:00.000-08:00

let's imagine an alternative universe where pop stars are not just insecure types with an excessive need to sing/dance infront of us so we can validate them by buying their music/copying their dance moves etc.

lezpretend that they're, i dunno, in government or something. i mean no ones ever put a celebrity in government before, right america?

oops.

so yes. in this alternative universe loadsofstuff can happen. guys ARE allowed to shag other guys, family fortunes IS always what you expect it to be, you will get that hoody that you lost in the club on monday BACK. and rihanna is actually in charge of the armed forces.

rallying the troops rihanna is sortof chanelling that other cool black bird, grace jones here 0:09. only less insane? possibly more? nah, no one is further removed from reality than grace jones. think about it.

that said though, the little pussy straightboy inside of me is slightly threatened by rihanna's displays of feminine dominance. (defo the bit where she holds the gun @ 1:25). she's doing the lot: crotch grabbing, crotch thrusting, crotchcrotchCROTCH.

i'm not going to say much about that spiky shoulder thing she's wearing. other than her eye-make up is a bit like KISS. no?

rolling around in mud must be like, totally empowering for women, right?

if you don't want to see who possibly put up some of the cashcash for this video, don't pause at 2:09. i wonder if they provided her with the cool hat. i want.

rihanna would have had no trouble taking helmand province at all. especially in a PINK TANK (2:30). and what is her hat? is this alternative universe marine battalion owned by DISNEY or something? fuck me hard i hope so.

then there's some bit with some bloke doing a rap or something. NOT RIHANNA = GIVE A SHIT?

in conclusion, this is boss.

ps - rihanna would totally take her pink tank army to haiti to help out. MAYBZDOSAME?

taylor skiwiffed & gothic doubling

2010-01-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

do we let taylor finish?

before we begin, i really thought

taylor was wearing a t-shirt that said "junior jews" (0:12). it actually says "junior jewels" but some of the more cynical amongst us would ask:

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" lolzomg

setting your foul anti-semitism aside, let's talk about difference. let's talk about spotting the difference.

the differences between:

blonde taylor

brunette taylor

in this accidental (?) example of gothic doubling and split-personality presented in the form of swift's video for 'you belong with me'.

in that defonotmisogynist idea of the virgin & the whore as the only types of women available to mankind, blonde taylor is, as one would have guessed, the "virgin".

there she wiles away the hours in her bedroom having fits (0:52). presumably this is coz she doesn't have internet access and therfore cannot watch porn or facebook the guy she likes.

(seriously. why are they showing eachother supergay little messages on paper? is it coz they're white? why not show them texting eachother or poking each other on facebuk? is this the 50s? are they going to tell calpurnia to cook their supper DARN TOOTIN'. gawd, why is taylor so racist? is it the kanye thing? he doesn't speak for all black folk taylor. lighten up)

blonde taylor is an example of the "she's all that" girl. if you haven't seen the film.....i dunno what to suggest. basically this girl is all 'different' and stuff. she listens to female singer songwriters and ALL THE SONGS ARE ABOUT HER. ALL OF THEM. she reads too, because you know, boys are secondary to studying. learning is fun etc. etc. "fashion isn't important" and shit like that. think anne hathaway in the beginning of 'the devil wears prada'.

taylor subvertstheform a little bit here; she does like 'one special guy'. (take that to read, the obv gay guy who just "respects" ladies too much to fuck them. VOM). but she really "gets" him you know?

brunette taylor is just a slutty bitch who couldn't give a shit about him. she's only dating him because he's the hottest guy in school. who cares if he likes to lap up spunk? she's not fucking him anyway. she's cheating on him with shane oman. (fanksmeangirls).

either way lead gayboy ends up ditching slag-taylor in favour of the 'she's all that'-taylor. little does she know that he wont want to fuck her either when he goes away to college and begins 'experimenting' with his room mate (ITSDEFINITELYNOTGAYWITHTHELIGHTSOFF!). so she'll have to resort to....yup...fucking shane oman and dying her hair brunette.

circle of life friends. disney never put it better.

and after all that, kanye west will STILL be a douche. YAY

also: pledge some money to haiti you curmudgeon.yeahthereyougo

bushido and the art of dancing around a room lots

2010-01-12T04:14:00.000-08:00

this video got reviewed coz of this woman's blog (deadniceblog).

ok that whole 'rage' thing at the beginning of this otherwise brilliant example of kate bush lessons in art house vidoes (or SUMINK) is nothing to do with me. it's just annoying. like a steamy turd that refuses to flush.

kate bush is NOT a turd. or if she is, she's a very aurally pleasant, beautifully scented rainbow poo, that get shat out by the likes of aphrodite or michelle obama. she's anti-shit. existing to counter balance the awful things in the world like nick griffin, the pope and/or ulrika johnson.

i bum kate bush already but yeah. cheers.

so it's 1985 and something politcally thatcherite is probably going down so kate bush makes this video. dancing her tits off with michael hevieu in what some have called a 'choreographed' performance.

nonsense if you ask me.

we're in the 80s again for bums sake. and how do music videos in the 80s attain their brilliance?

hello drugs.

but this is kate bush and she is literally odd enough to do without them.

from the moment she jerks that bloke's head around at 0:02, forcing him to blow an invisible willy, you know this is going to be good.

and because she's totally a feminist and stuff, she uses the bloke as a climbing frame at 0:13. yeah. she climbs all over the muscular yumminess that is patriarchy. yeah. slag. arty slag in a kimono.

even when he tries to hold her back from hurling herself through the glass ceiling window she smacks him off and continues (1:00). then she's casting around looking for a light bulb to re-fit. ON HER OWN. or something.

and like all people in the universe, what she's wearing, that kimono thing, it MEANS something. and it's called a hakama.

and hakama's are part of the dress of those who follow the way of bushido. yes. BUSHido.

this bitch definitely/probably got an A* in artyfarty studies. (i'd claim one for knowing that too but i just know shit. definitely didn't use wikipedia)

she knew what she was doing. firing the invisible arrow of feminist-ism deep into the interregnum of post-structuralist wanky panky.

(I AM NOT A LIT STUDENT)

or not. she's just dancing around a room with a bloke who would DEFINITELY get it. she would too like but mainly him. how about her AND him? yeah. much better. let's all get bisexual.

there's a new 2010 trend: bisexual bushido. right there.

i'm off to get lube and a hakama.

lessons: hoof is BACK

2010-01-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

the question you have yourself whenever you do a video involving an american football pitch is obviously -

'which locker room do you want to get naked in?'

naturally your answer (if you're a boy) should be 'the girl's one!' and vice versa for ladies. but really you should go where the hottest people are getting naked, right?

WRONG.

mz. alexandra burke seems to be throwing a generic shaped spanner into the works with the release of her new video for 'broken heels'

the last time we caught up with burke she had some female empowerment thing going on. this looks like an attempt at the same.

it isn't.

burke (i always think of the 'berk' connotation of this word) does her nails and straps herself into what can only be described as a bodysuit with extra camel-toe (0:31). in fact it's not just toe. it's a whole fucking HOOF situation down there. (thanksfriends).

and thus begins a horror show of really straight hair, big heels and hoof shaking.

team burke is dressed in gold (the colour of WINNERS) and the other team (entirely made up of grumpy looking men) is in green. are they actually going to have it out and play american football?

don't be so silly. team burke are going to beat the manteam on their own terms, as independent women, as FEMINISTS...by putting on make up (1:53) and being sexy y'all!

empowerment folks, it's a GOOD thing. especially when it's done by looking super sexy and showing purrrrfect blowjob lips. that's right patriarchy look at my shexy beeehind.

yeah but....no perhaps?

the manteam clearly think the same as me. team burke are dancing but who exactly are they dancing for? the boys certainly aint watching them.

because what burke&co are doing is SO sexy, it's actually looped back round to gross and floppy inducing. shame eh?

in the words of my primary school p.e teacher:

'could do better'.

ps - here's something MUCHBETTERLOADS. found this on a v.good blog aboutlastnight.

pain pain of the video maker

2010-01-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

does anyone know who the saturdays are? serious. apart from the one who used to be in S Club 9 or whatever, who the fuck are they?

this is what someone might like to answer:

the saturdays are a credible all girl pop group, each with their own distinct personality and 'feel'. combining raw sex appeal with youthful and occasionally funky beats, the girls are heading for the big time. follow them on twitter young cyberspatially savvy youth!

here's my answer:

i don't fucking know.

my friend, egg, said i should review this video though.

the saturdays thought all this up themselves by the way, yeah yeah. they have total creative control over their image, musical direction and all other artistic stuff like that.

it's not all the work of a bunch of stylists and blokesinsuits doing coke and making lots of money and not actually caring about "the music". no no. the saturdays DID IT ALL THEMSELVES.

i was going to go through this video and pinpoint things but instead i'm going to say it looks a bit like a cheapo version of watchmen done by a guy who makes music videos like THIS. favourite bit is definitely probably at 0:17.

that said though, not all is lost. i saw the video for 'up' on THIS blog (itsallrightcheckitout) and can safely say the only member of the saturdays id go out dancing with is the yellow one.

all the others enjoy what they're doing far too ironically.

that's the proper way to do things.

or maybe this is (itsallabouthowBIGCOCKSare). nice

happy new year BUT beyonce has the best video

2009-12-27T05:43:00.000-08:00

ok so beyonce's video for 'single ladies (put a ring on it)' got voted the best music video of the decade by muzo.tv (which you can visit HERE). and as it's the last post of 2009, it had to be done.

DONTLOOKATBEYONCE

beyonce is fit andyoudefinitelywould. dont care if you like willies or fannies or if you're into cakefarts (i certainly am). beyonce would own you. OWN YOU and your arms and your mum.

ok ok. i'm getting carried away. she's just a woman right?

um. no. here's 6 definitions of beyonce. sponsored by vicewanker cliffe.

1) god. - this may or may not be true. ask richard dawkins. maybe ask him to perform his own parody of the single ladies video a la justin timberlake and countless others.

just picture the atheist supremo gyrating gloriously like m. knowles at 0:54. (or don't. i definitely don't want to). wikiepedia based research backs me up.

time took to scroll down gods wiki= 6 seconds

time took to scroll down beyonce's wiki= 10 seconds.

BOOM

2) jesus. - related to god and said by some to be god incarnate. ALSO said to be black by a lot of folk so you know. jesus was black; he totally got crucified but t

hen totally came back. and then was never seen again but was rumoured to return. and beyonce is black! so you see the evidence is all there. but you cant crucify beyonce. she's immortal.

oh and jesus totally used to do the rhythmic bum slap thing (2:40) with judas and peter all the fucking time.

3) the holy trinity. - beyonce is into threesomes. just look at this video. three women: one concept. the concept being: the father, son and holy ghost 'aint got NOTHING on me, friend.

4) allah. - well no one knows what allah really looks like do they? who's to say it's not beyonce? my friend (who is not muslim) has a copy of the koran and i dont know about you but it'd be a darn bit more interesting if this was on the cover:

6) the devil. - highly unlikely. though there is something about beyonce that is slightly evil. like making little gay men dead confused about their own sexualities.

if you have any further questions then direct them to google. this is what i got when i typed "is beyonce" into the searchbox:

is beyonce pregnant = 1,820,000 results

is beyonce a devil worshipper = 58,100 results

is beyonce a freemason = 567,000 results

is beyonce married = 3,370,000 results

is beyonce dead = 24,100,000 results

is beyonce a christian = 10,900,000 results

is beyonce black = 41,000,000 results

is beyonce evil = 3,350,000 results

is beyonce possessed = 96,100 results

is beyonce's hair real = 10,200,000 results

gawd it was goodlots to write the name of god 10 times. not so good however was the fact that there are 41,000,000 results questioning whether beyonce knowles is black.

someone needs to sort that.

happy new year folks!

lessons: george harrison IS/WAS the best beatle

2009-12-22T01:18:00.000-08:00

we're still in the 80s. we're still "doing that" so all of the noobs who want to flick themselves off to robert pattinson and bellawhatsherface can still go "do that". we're doing this. and this, is george harrison and it's fucking brilliant.

say what you like about the beatles; i've just come back from america and FUCK ME HARD they like to talk about the beatles. so they frequently say what they like about them. everyone does no doubt. apart from douches who say "i'm not um...really into the beatles"

people like that exist. it's not a pretty universe after all.

BUT WAIT. yes it is. because:

people who don't like the beatles = people who are not actually people.

they're shit demons like that thing from dogma. yeah like this.

sticking with the maths ("it's the same in every language") let's do a question.

if gupta has four venereal diseases and only remembers putting his dong-a-long into three ladies, what song should he be listening to?

sensible answer - gofuckyourselfyoucrazyshitbag

better answer - GEORGE HARRISON's GOT MY MIND SET ON YOU

we all know george was the best beatle. he wrote 'here comes the sun' for fucks sake. some facts about george harrison include:

1) he did a load of eastern stuff. and eastern stuff is SO HOT RIGHT NOW. and he did it back then. clearly a forward thinking man.

2) he worked with madonna on a film with sean penn. (the film totally bombed and he said he hated madonna but you know, a lot of people say that and don't mean it, right?)

3) he is dead

4) he doesn't do the dance at 2:00 in this video. but we can all imagine that he does. yesyesyes.

seriously, where is the need in this dance? sitting in a study with moving objects (foreshadowing that winegums advert much? LOOK.

that's weird enough. but to have a dance smacked up in the middle of this sweetdream(beautifulnightmare)? where has the logic gone? who ate all the logic? etc. etc.

the 80s ate the logic, that's who. @3:33 they have a squirrel or something playing a smoking pipe. i'm sure there's a theory behind why that makes perfect sense. but for now, i'm just going to put it down to people being on drugs. DRUGS FUCK YOU UP. but good music, right?

to cap it all off and warm folk up for winter, i suggest watching THIS WARMING SONG.

it's full of old rockers doing that big end of the 70s vibe where they're not in groups any more and are into promoting their solo shit. which is never as good. but you know, KARMA AND ALL THAT.

merry christmas