black eyed PURLEASE

for their new video 'Meet me Halfway' fergie and friends (minions) have gone interstellar. watch out skywalker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkzbkGnby0

opening on a road that sits beneath the starriest sky EVA the camera then zooms into the stratosphere to focus on fergie ferg doing a princess leia routine on some forest planet.

she's a bit sexy. but where are all the ewoks? they never reappeared in the star wars franchise after return of the jedi you know. something suspish there. george lucas (or the irish) have something to do with it. they are both magic and evil.

after ferg has done her sexy alien forest nymph thing we get backing singer number 1 (jeff? cyril? lewis? we don't know) doing some weird shaman voodoo kabbala shit in a desert. he kind of looks like a sand person! 0:35 and this picture:

you know what im talking about.

why is he spinning round?

1) he's magic

2) he's evil

3) he's both

we say 3. both. clearly an interplanetary stalker, hell bent on grafting his boomboompow into ferg's ladylumps. scary bastard.

ooh ferg is being all objectified in space. nice one ferg; taking misogyny to the stars.

here's stalker/backing singer number 2. we think the video credits him as the elephant man so that's the one we're going with. space elephants. now there's a concept. like actual elephants weren't enough. these ones are from SPACE. all the better to stalk with. maybe its a robot elephant with a radar in its capacious bottom? oh no. the radar is in stalker 2's hands.

these stalkers mean business don't they? what does fergie have betwixt her legs? the plans for the third death star?

oh hang on. there's now some douche astronaut flying far too close to the sun. REMEMBER ICARUS YOU BOOB! he's never going to get fergie's goodies.

now this is surreal. mirrored spinning geometric shapes have appeared. that's right folks, if you want to fuck up your life touch spinning geometric shapes.

for what happens when you do such a thing? by the looks of things you transform into an astroid and hurtle towards your nearest celestial body.

and that's really annoying. what happens when they've landed? is it in the fucking sequel or something? well fuck that. im going to watch new moon instead. ZOMG

dont tell robbie you like take that

are you ready for some for some overblown production values everyone? because robbie williams is. here's the new video for his 'comeback' single: Bodies. ominous much?

that's right, he's off the drugs so he can afford to have a helicopter pan over some american mountains for no good reason other than 'it looks panoramic man'. but wait, hasn't he left America now? isn't this his comeback song? back into the arms of good old blighty? apparently not.

he's out there in the wilderness man. he's OUT THERE. doesn't give a flying fuck about civilisation. he's wild, man. he's real, man. he's a reformed drug/sex/gay/swing/bobby dazzler addict, man. that said he still does need to shave. but its cool because he's using his harley's wing mirror. he's about to set off on the 'road', man. jack kerouac would heart this.

so now that robbie has shaved away his grizzly fake stubble where can he go?

WHERE EVER THE ROAD TAKES HIM MOTHERFUCKERS.

but he does remember his helmet. smart lad.

robbie soon tires of the bike and instead opts to stride the barren landscape like a lame mountain lion who's not had a successful single out for four years. once you've wrestled with addiction a walk in the desert must seem like...well a walk in the desert.

Ah hitchhiking. the last resort for people who randomly walk around deserts with no mobile phone. which begs the question: why was robbie out there in the first place? did he go to find himself? or perhaps he went on a huge bender and woke up dazed and bestubbled next to a harley. on loan from jack kerouac.

lord knows what he says to the lady in the blue car. probably something along the lines of "Ah little woman, fret not. I shall take the wheel now so that your poor and fragile hands remain uncalloused. all the better to prepare my lines of cocaine" come on. we were all thinking it.

split screen is well shit.

the romance continues with robbie and desert bint in-front of a fire canoodling and talking (presumably) about the life and stuff, man. and the people you meet on 'the road'. i'm sure this young woman's father would not approve of his little girl sitting in front of a fire in the presence of a self confessed sex addict. that's one road you never want to be on. you'd take the train.

dawn breaks and desert bint is nowhere to be seen. nothing like a bit of murder to start the day eh robbie? what made you do it? WHY ROBBIE WHY? oh the sheer humanity. just because she likes Take That's latest album doesn't mean she deserves rape and murder! You were a member once too robbie, remember? remember the good old days??

clearly he doesn't. murderous bastard. and he's going to get away with it too. by stealing a plane. oh wait no he's just going to dance on the plane. might as well dance on the poor take that fans makeshift desert grave.

well there you have it kids. robbie is back. and he's coming to kill you, man.