black eyed PURLEASE

for their new video 'Meet me Halfway' fergie and friends (minions) have gone interstellar. watch out skywalker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkzbkGnby0

opening on a road that sits beneath the starriest sky EVA the camera then zooms into the stratosphere to focus on fergie ferg doing a princess leia routine on some forest planet.

she's a bit sexy. but where are all the ewoks? they never reappeared in the star wars franchise after return of the jedi you know. something suspish there. george lucas (or the irish) have something to do with it. they are both magic and evil.

after ferg has done her sexy alien forest nymph thing we get backing singer number 1 (jeff? cyril? lewis? we don't know) doing some weird shaman voodoo kabbala shit in a desert. he kind of looks like a sand person! 0:35 and this picture:

you know what im talking about.

why is he spinning round?

1) he's magic

2) he's evil

3) he's both

we say 3. both. clearly an interplanetary stalker, hell bent on grafting his boomboompow into ferg's ladylumps. scary bastard.

ooh ferg is being all objectified in space. nice one ferg; taking misogyny to the stars.

here's stalker/backing singer number 2. we think the video credits him as the elephant man so that's the one we're going with. space elephants. now there's a concept. like actual elephants weren't enough. these ones are from SPACE. all the better to stalk with. maybe its a robot elephant with a radar in its capacious bottom? oh no. the radar is in stalker 2's hands.

these stalkers mean business don't they? what does fergie have betwixt her legs? the plans for the third death star?

oh hang on. there's now some douche astronaut flying far too close to the sun. REMEMBER ICARUS YOU BOOB! he's never going to get fergie's goodies.

now this is surreal. mirrored spinning geometric shapes have appeared. that's right folks, if you want to fuck up your life touch spinning geometric shapes.

for what happens when you do such a thing? by the looks of things you transform into an astroid and hurtle towards your nearest celestial body.

and that's really annoying. what happens when they've landed? is it in the fucking sequel or something? well fuck that. im going to watch new moon instead. ZOMG

the black eyed peas 'gotta feeling' about prostitution

up for some prostitution promoting product placement? (note: the answer is always 'YES'. its capitalised because it has extra oomph) time to look at the black eyed peas 'Gotta Feeling' video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMxASjxRk1w

hollywood blvd people, it's where it all happens. it's where celebrities come to dance with the little people. where the ghosts of monroe, sinatra and that other guy who died last year but doesn't have a star on the pavement in front of that scary chinese theatre (do they still actually use that?), where THOSE ghosts haunt the nightclubs where one can shake their bootay, snort their charlay and have a 'hot' (thanks paris hilton) time doing it.

also, there's lots of hookers. hookers to the left, hookers to the right, hookers down below. CHAA. toooooo slow.

now this video is reminiscent of those 90s films where a tough talking, ball breaking yet surprisingly inwardly elegant girl is seen selling her wares on the streets of the big city. (note: the big city is well bad for girls like that. though never THAT bad, i mean they don't get raped or anything realistic like that).

look at fergie. she is clearly THAT girl from the 90s film. whilst her prozzy friends are already out doing 'hard' work. fergie (the glamourous prostitute destined for better things) is still preparing herself to venture out into the big, bad and utterly sex mad city. DON'T GO FERGIE! YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!

then it's clips of some dudes singing. i know they're also in the BEP but they're just ferg's backing singers right? they mainly seem to be there for flagrant product placement purposes. "This touchphone is soooo great" one can almost hear the guy with the bad hair cry "it's certainly not a rip off an iPhone!" (Note: if anybody reading this wants an iPhone. you can buy them here: http://www.carphonewarehouse.com/mobiles/pay-monthly/apple-iphone3gs?portal=GOOGLE&promo=PPCIPHONE3GSORDERNOW&ppc=true)

so all these dudes are getting ready, and so is fergie. are they renting her out? oh no. maybe one of them will rescue her from the moll flanders for the noughties hell she is currently living in?

in short: no.

instead everyone goes to a very brightly lit house and dances at the camera. whilst drinking and cavorting. still could be an orgy full of poor yet good looking hookers. fergie is dressed like a dominatrix, the other females haven't dressed at all and all the men are fully clothed. is this what all parties on hollywood blvd are like? monroe would never approve. nor would she pretend to be a lesbian, that's right fergie, i'm looking at you.

more product placement with some horrid flowery laptop. who takes a laptop to an orgy really?

further more: who brings neon paint to an orgy? is it some sort of branding system so you know which girl belongs to whom? it sure seems that way. all the women have large man-sized neon handprints slapped on their thighs. all the men have sinister neon glasses painted on their sex-mad eyes. eyes to thighs and hands to pants. who knew prostitution could make things rhyme so well???

there's also clips of more ladies lezzing off for the mens gratification and even a woman attempting to make cookies. which she drops. because she's a prostitute and there's only one thing she's good at isn't there?

to top it all off, prize douche david guetta makes an appearence. well he did produce this song after all. therefore it's only fair he participates in the lurid neon sex party. what a dope.

he's not as much of a terrible person as the concept of patriarchy though. yes, patriarchy is the real dope here. huray for feminism eh ferg? FOR SHAME.