st patrick's day lesson: how b*witched created ireland

gather round ye wee folk and i shall teel thee of the creation of oirlend.

the lord our god sent down four angels and he said they shall be clad entirely in denim. even denim cowboy hats yes! for they would face struggles and hardship the likes of which had not been seen! so they needed something durable to wear that was also funky. and fresh

yes they will come from space from a planet made entirely of gypsies and circus folk. they will also yank the tail of that wily bastard shit SATAN (3:10) for they are better than him. they do not paint themselves red with evil, they wear denim and dance the formation dance!

And lo the four founders of ireland set foot on the earth, which was not very good at the time (there was no ireland!) there was only a lot of grass and shoite lioke dat. the earth was empty of most things apart from animals. yet the pixie wisdom of our angels was strong. so they ventured forth into the jungle

and they didn't converse with the animals exactly they sort of just stood near them. and there they danced the dance of the irish (2:30) it was this dance that led the beasts of the field towards ireland.

CATASTROPHE STRUCK THEN

the founders of ireland fell under the spell of a douchebag snake, who drugged them so they fell asleep. he was called geoff and he looked likeTHIS

yet in that dreamful sleep they did dream the dream of ireland

twas a beautiful dream: one full of skies clear as de sea. in this dream there was beautiful forests wherein dwelt pixie folk laughing and clinking together small metal maraccas. our fearless founders then sailed out of the dream in a small boat.

ONLY TO AWAKEN TO A BIGGER BOAT and some questionable clothes. yet remember it was not their fault as they were in a world full of water and good clothes (denim) are hard to find

they still had not attained the dream of ireland because the world was very wet and one cannot build a country on wet. it was in this time though that they found a very wet dog (2:20). he would be dry once the dream of ireland was achieved!

yet lo they found a little piece of civilization and could begin to build the world anew.

AND BUILD IT THEY DID

yes the four had constructed a world full of trains and fake tan (1:20). and whilst this was ok for the liokes of sum it was not what the angels had been sent to do. they had forgotton the dream of ioreland.

OR HAD THEY? no! in dancing the dance of the irish they managed to get on the train to.....

THE PROMISED LAND! THE PLACE THAT WOULD BE THE HOME OF GUINNES AND SHAMROCKAS AND DE BLARNY STONE!

dats rioght!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

black eyed PURLEASE

for their new video 'Meet me Halfway' fergie and friends (minions) have gone interstellar. watch out skywalker.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmkzbkGnby0

opening on a road that sits beneath the starriest sky EVA the camera then zooms into the stratosphere to focus on fergie ferg doing a princess leia routine on some forest planet.

she's a bit sexy. but where are all the ewoks? they never reappeared in the star wars franchise after return of the jedi you know. something suspish there. george lucas (or the irish) have something to do with it. they are both magic and evil.

after ferg has done her sexy alien forest nymph thing we get backing singer number 1 (jeff? cyril? lewis? we don't know) doing some weird shaman voodoo kabbala shit in a desert. he kind of looks like a sand person! 0:35 and this picture:

you know what im talking about.

why is he spinning round?

1) he's magic

2) he's evil

3) he's both

we say 3. both. clearly an interplanetary stalker, hell bent on grafting his boomboompow into ferg's ladylumps. scary bastard.

ooh ferg is being all objectified in space. nice one ferg; taking misogyny to the stars.

here's stalker/backing singer number 2. we think the video credits him as the elephant man so that's the one we're going with. space elephants. now there's a concept. like actual elephants weren't enough. these ones are from SPACE. all the better to stalk with. maybe its a robot elephant with a radar in its capacious bottom? oh no. the radar is in stalker 2's hands.

these stalkers mean business don't they? what does fergie have betwixt her legs? the plans for the third death star?

oh hang on. there's now some douche astronaut flying far too close to the sun. REMEMBER ICARUS YOU BOOB! he's never going to get fergie's goodies.

now this is surreal. mirrored spinning geometric shapes have appeared. that's right folks, if you want to fuck up your life touch spinning geometric shapes.

for what happens when you do such a thing? by the looks of things you transform into an astroid and hurtle towards your nearest celestial body.

and that's really annoying. what happens when they've landed? is it in the fucking sequel or something? well fuck that. im going to watch new moon instead. ZOMG

should have gone to morrisons OR blundering buble and the supermarket of DOOM

first of all, did anyone else know michael buble looked like that? it was a pleasant surprise for us too.

and so. to mike's new video for "Haven't met you Yet"

mike is shopping and being bored. hurling pizzas and ready meals for one into his shuffling shopping trolley of singledom. we've all been there.

to shake things up a bit he starts sitting on a shelf which is fine with the staff of killarney market. sounds irish. first sign of danger there. you know what the irish are like, just look at louis walsh. DE BLARRRRNEY STOOOOONE.

so once mike is done sitting on a shelf he encounters a v.attractive lady in the frozen foods section. how shoddy. she should be making all her dinner from scratch in preparation for when she's a neat little housewife surely? no. her purpose is much darker and sinister than mike can know.

evidently this bitch cares naught for trifling things such as rules and social etiquette; she starts walking on the fucking shelves. with mike. STAY AWAY MIKE! she's leading you down a slippery slope of irish devilry; a place where people dance in supermarkets. all so wrong.

this "super"market is staffed, by the way, with breakdancers posing as shelf-stackers. why are they here? why aren't they auditioning for step up 3: the subway? (a film that REALLY needs to get made. hop to it spielberg).

it all gets a bit supermarket creep from 1:50 onwards. mike floats on a bed with that brazen irish tart. he then floats around in a phone box. then has a marching band appear in aisle 4. its witchcraft if you ask us. irish druidic weird shit voodoo. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE DANCING? shopping is not, nor never should be this entertaining. one dreads to think what dark power they're about to invoke. it wouldn't be that surprising if mike was happily placed into a gigantic wicker statue of louis walsh and set aflame. still singing; still unaware of his oncoming frazzley demise.

BUT WHAT IS THIS???

it was all a fucking dream. phew. what utter relief.

as mike leaves this shopping hell of nightmares he sees the very woman with whom he danced a voodoo jig. he decides to not say hello and go home. this is all a bit like final destination where the main character is saved from a grisly end by a premonition.

thank your lucky stars bublay. go to morrisons next time.