lessons: it's ok to like ke$ha

first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

second of all, there was no post last week because i was in berlin. if you've not been then i suggest you go and have a beer or two because it is very, very good. amongst other activities i got to:

- sing to my hearts content in monster ronson's ichiban kareoke: here.

- learn all i could about that pesky hitler bloke: here.

- pick up the latest copy of exberliner: here.

- and watch my friend conspicuously throw up on a table in a cool bar: here.

all in all, there was a good time had...by all. now to business.

i used to majorly slag off ke$ha for spelling her name with a dollar sign. I WAS WRONG. my time in uber liberal and sexy berlin taught me the error of my judgeMENTAL ways.

here's her alternative video for 'take it off'

here's why i like this video:

1. ke$ha

you show me the last young pop singer to have the balls to dress as trashy as she does. plus in this video she's half animal and stuff. she's like a were-cat only with more glitter and an army of gays. 10 POINTS

2. colour - fuck what you heard about being all dark and grey this winter. on planet pop EVERYTHING MUST BE BRIGHT AND FuCKING COLOurFUL.

3. jeffree star

i forgot this fag even existed. remember when he was the uber queer of myspace? remember when you cared? now he just shows up only to get annihilated by ke$ha's slut voodoo. bet you he wishes he'd spelt HIS name with a dollar sign.

4. animism

anything that suggests you have an inner animal totem is evidence that ke$ha is, you know, well meta and not a total slag wagon at all.

5. ke$ha

because she's not katy fucking perry.

lessons: respect your crabs

have you ever had crabs? i have. twice. one time from a dirty blanket in east london and the other from a client, also in east london. the lesson here, dont go to east london.

but seriously, crabs. if you've ever had them you'll know how resilient they are. i admire the little bastards in a way. their resistance to destruction deserves a little respect.*

imagine an infestation of crabs who do song and dance routines in skimpy clothes. they look something like this.

ok now imagine one crab is particularly prominent and is much more attractive than the other crabs. she looks like this.

and there you have the reason for nicole scherzinger's burgeoning pop career.

here's the video for debut single 'poison'

looking for victims

found some!

driving through the pubes like a louse out of hell

gurning on too much human blood

she's catchy. you have been warned.

*note - you can actually get rid of crabs with derbac. have fun asking for that at the chemist counter.

lessons: michael jackson's 'thriller' is DEAD lame

i'm doing michael jackson's thriller this week because it's the only 'scary' video i can think of.

michael jackson - 'thriller'

as it's a soul sucking 13:43 minutes long here's a brief summary.

prologue = boring & lame

part I = unscary lame

part II = postmodern but still lame

part III = undead and lame

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

part V = lame

prologue:

lame disclaimer about not believing in the occult. no one cares. and the occult is cool. check out my great uncle aleister crowley if you want proof.

part I = unscary lame

michael and some whore who posed for playboy one time are probably about to go at it in the dark of the woods which would be truly scary. appaz the jacket is supposed to make him look virile. HAHAHAH

oh but wait. he's not like other guys. just when you expect him to declare his latent interest in male butt holes he turns into a werewolf. see twilight fans, this is what a REAL lycanthrope looks like.

oh wait it's a werecat. sounds lame but personally much more scary. cats are fucking evil and not to be trusted. apart from thundercats, though they're still pretty weird.

part II = postmodern but still lame

so the wolf is chasing titty mcnippleout. oh wait. it's a film in a cinema. a cinema full of people having fun including two people who share an uncanny resemblance with those on screen.

titty mcnippleout is a total pussy for wanting to walk out of a film. who does that? really? unless the film is like 'sex and the city 2'?

she's also dumb coz she's not figured that the guy and the girl in the film are EXACT REPLICAS of her and her boyfriend.

to cheer up his lame girlfriend michael dances in the street. he's giving it beans but she's just being lame and walking around. seriously, cut the bitch loose and hook up with someone who's more up you're street AND OF LEGAL AGE.

part III = undead and lame

zombies are well good but it's nearly seven minutes into this shit storm and not one of them has danced yet. also i love how getting out of your eternal grave is so easy for these zombies. did you guys see that episode of buffy? it takes her a proper EFFORT and trauma to get out of there. and she's a vampire slayer for god's sake. are america's gravediggers just shoddy workers or what?

all the zombies are gunning for that boring bitch with michael. and who can blame them? she's fucking rubbish.

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

ah here we go. anyone who says they dont try to at least imitate THIS BIT when they're drunk and this song comes on is LYING. every ones does it because it's amazing.

part V = lame

ok now we're back to the lame story bit. and the zombies are going to eat whatsherface. oh no they're not. LAME LAME LAME LAME

you know when they do this on sunday's x-factor for the big group sing song (and if they don't they're missing a HUGE trick) i hope that they recreate the entire routine (even mary) with wagner as the michael jackson character. but knowing brian friedman, who is enjoying far too much exposure this year, it'll probably be really standard until cher lloyd appears wearing a pair of trousers crafted from michael jackson's dead body and pulling that face she always pulls.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

geordie pleasures: bum joe? NO NO

whilst writing this i got sidetracked by singing because, you know, my life is a musical. all gays' lives are musicals. just look at joe mcelderry's video for 'ambitions'

like bjork's 'oh so quiet' video without the irony.

but seriously, every gay you meet is trapped, whether they like it or not, in a toe-tapping, jazz-handing, liza minelli fest.

lady here has just been told this:

she looks shocked and disgusted, perhaps even sorry BUT WAIT -

she just gets sucked into the dance routine. it's a lot like that episode of buffy with no vampires (YEAH FUCK YOU CULLEN LOL)

this ability to lure unsuspecting bystanders into their carnival of musical amusement is the main reason why homophobia still exists. nothing to do with taking it up the arse. why?

because no one has sex in musicals. i mean sure, they sing about bumping uglies; but that's about as good as phone sex.

so when people have a go at little joe for being a nancy bum artiste it has nothing to do with sex. because joe doesn't have sex. unfortunate given how pretty he is.

yes - i fancy joe mcelderry. no fucking clue why. i reckon it's coz he's a geordie and with the exception of ant&dec and roaul moat i fucking love geordies.

YES he wears a lot of make up.

YES he is overstyled.

YES he is deeeply boring

but i dont care.

couldn't give a flyin FOOK PET. ha way. byker grove etc.

i'm going to marry joe mcelderry and he will speak to me through song. no bumming. george michael tried to bum joe but failed. cue getting stoned and crashing into a shop.

none of that anal sex thank you very much george michael. STAY AWAY FROM JOE. or i'm going to stuff your face full of wham bars you fatty boom.

finally if that's not BENDERIFIC enough for you, the video was directed by someone called nigel dick HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ps - remember to watch x-factor or duncan bannatyne will blap you with his caledonian sausage

pps - WAGNER RULES

truths: God loves snogging statues

before we begin, having a crush on a statue is normal. here's a picture of the statue i fancy.

he's on a war memorial and i walk past him every day that i walk into work. we never speak because he's busy looking after a small child. and he's a statue. easily the best looking statue on the memorial. apart from the angel but they have no bits so they're only good for a snog. anyway my point is; it's ok to fancy statues.

just like Madonna in the 'like a prayer' video.

Madonna - Like A Prayer [Video]
Uploaded by WBRNewMedia. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

ok so the first indication that none of what follows is real is when Madonna falls over. this never EVER happens. as a being who had a whole fucking arm, let alone a hand, in the creation of the world, Her falling over is a mathematical impossibility.

second clue is when She opens the door to let Herself into church. all churches are Hers and their doors automatically open when ever she shows up. it's not a courtesy thing or anything, it just happens.

this crying statue is pretty accurate though because She can cause anything to cry. these people are faggy wimps but i totally understand where they're coming from.

She brings the statue to life only to be abandoned by the ungrateful fuck. what can we deduce from this? that:

a) the statue has no 'junk' in manner of a ken doll

b) the statue is just not that into Her

c) the statue is gay

WRONG bottom feeder. none of the above. here's why:

a) WRONG beacue a cock simply appears for Her whenever she wants one.

b) WRONG because no such creature exists

c) WRONG because you are hung up on labels

the idea that a knife could penetrate Her skin without permission is actually insane. besides they are not Her hands. look how slutty they are, they're obviously lindsay lohan's hands after she dropped her and sam's spike-dildo 3000. i wonder how that lez is doing in the slammer. i imagine its like bad girls meets mean girls; so it would be like mad girls. whatever, she's knee fucking deep in minge. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

the choir spring from Her mind. this is why they are cool. it has nothing to do with the fact that they're black.

the woman who gets murdered in the back alley is actually a human grown from the nasal tissue of barbara streisand. those guys are fag puritans who worship babs through daily screenings of 'funny girl'

She didn't take any action to save this weird genetically engineered curio because She knew it survived. here's a recent picture.

She then goes to hang out with the choir and snogs the statue. that's nice. and just like that new christopher nolan film starring the bloke from titanic who now resembles bacon, the whole thing is revealed to be a dream. i know, sort of lame - HAHA SHUT UP ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S AMAZING.

if you're still not convinced about Her having created pretty much everything - i refer you to this.

Amen.

questions: who is the real christina aguilera?

no i'm not going to talk about the incident. we let it happen so there's only ourselves to blame. but then again we're also to blame for cool stuff like refrigeration and birth control so BUCK UP piss worm, all is not lost.

christina aguilera may be lame right now but she wasn't always so pathetic. was she?

EVIDENCE

candyman

anything 40s/50s is a hot ticket right now so yeah. she should get back to this shit. just look at how much fun she's having. she's having so much fun it's made this guy lose his mind.

is campari even nice? i don't care if they sponsor amazing shit like this. "christina" has had a few too many by the looks of this

and look, rosie the riveter. feminists get a major-league hard one for this woman. and so do i. i want her to work my land. or something. we didn't even have rosie in england did we? whatever. she looks good and is ideologically sound.

notice anything funny about the ending? DATS RIOGHT: it wasn't made by christina. this was some chick called "candy".

fighter

click dis

some luminary i used to go to school with said of this video: "she's turned into a PYAH goth". and i agree. starting off imprisoned in some glass box which is eventually smashed, "christina" hump backs her way around a big cave thing. looking a bit like a rubber-loving-witchity-goth crossed with tim burton's wet dream by way of the micky mouse club? whatever. this is a long departure from genie in a bottle.

she breaks out of the goth phase and gets all blonde with her goddess powers or something. but she's got moths flying around her. moths? really christina? is that really what you want to be deity to? MOTHS? fine have it your way, i would have chosen the butterfly but that's boring. but a MOTH? that you set on fire? i really hope the moth was not set on fire. imagine being immolated purely because "christina aguilera" was your god? fuck i'm glad i'm not a moth.

now comes some black widow phase or something. she's wearing red so i guess it's a bit empowering but then she does a lame "break the fourth wall" thing at the end kicking a hole in the screen. it didn't work for sex and the city (seasons 1&2), so it's definitely not going to work for gothmog dunder-crap in this, OK? lame

dirty

yep. THAT video. the artist was given full creative control over this which suggests that this is the real "christina". if you were choosing a video to embody the real you, would you choose 'dirrty'? really? that second r has been EARrNED.

so we have what some interview describes as a "post-apocalyptic orgy". there's foxy boxing between "christina" and some masked douche (maybe it's britney spears?). then a shower of filth that would shame a sewer. that's filth, not sex. sex is fun. getting dirty can BE fun but only if you clean up afterwards. no one has cleaned up here. no one. you can smell it. christina can definitely smell it here:

are you one to crotch watch? (that comes c/o sazbags & egg) LOOK OUT! THERE SHE BLOWS!

ah then they do get showers. showers in what looks like a urinal. is that an all female shower? no. check out the tranny on the right. "christina" could be shitting on them right now.

so the real "christina" is actually a smelly ho. or is she?

TILL NEXT TIME

and yes: i learnt how to do screen grabs

lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.