st patrick's day lesson: how b*witched created ireland

gather round ye wee folk and i shall teel thee of the creation of oirlend.

the lord our god sent down four angels and he said they shall be clad entirely in denim. even denim cowboy hats yes! for they would face struggles and hardship the likes of which had not been seen! so they needed something durable to wear that was also funky. and fresh

yes they will come from space from a planet made entirely of gypsies and circus folk. they will also yank the tail of that wily bastard shit SATAN (3:10) for they are better than him. they do not paint themselves red with evil, they wear denim and dance the formation dance!

And lo the four founders of ireland set foot on the earth, which was not very good at the time (there was no ireland!) there was only a lot of grass and shoite lioke dat. the earth was empty of most things apart from animals. yet the pixie wisdom of our angels was strong. so they ventured forth into the jungle

and they didn't converse with the animals exactly they sort of just stood near them. and there they danced the dance of the irish (2:30) it was this dance that led the beasts of the field towards ireland.

CATASTROPHE STRUCK THEN

the founders of ireland fell under the spell of a douchebag snake, who drugged them so they fell asleep. he was called geoff and he looked likeTHIS

yet in that dreamful sleep they did dream the dream of ireland

twas a beautiful dream: one full of skies clear as de sea. in this dream there was beautiful forests wherein dwelt pixie folk laughing and clinking together small metal maraccas. our fearless founders then sailed out of the dream in a small boat.

ONLY TO AWAKEN TO A BIGGER BOAT and some questionable clothes. yet remember it was not their fault as they were in a world full of water and good clothes (denim) are hard to find

they still had not attained the dream of ireland because the world was very wet and one cannot build a country on wet. it was in this time though that they found a very wet dog (2:20). he would be dry once the dream of ireland was achieved!

yet lo they found a little piece of civilization and could begin to build the world anew.

AND BUILD IT THEY DID

yes the four had constructed a world full of trains and fake tan (1:20). and whilst this was ok for the liokes of sum it was not what the angels had been sent to do. they had forgotton the dream of ioreland.

OR HAD THEY? no! in dancing the dance of the irish they managed to get on the train to.....

THE PROMISED LAND! THE PLACE THAT WOULD BE THE HOME OF GUINNES AND SHAMROCKAS AND DE BLARNY STONE!

dats rioght!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.