best of 2010

recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.

50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.

5. primary colours 'princess'

this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.

pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.

cons: distinct lack of tina turner

4. unkle 'the answer'

ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.

pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.

cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.

3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'

>

i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.

pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.

cons: snoop dog. and katy perry.

2. lady gaga feat. beyoncé 'telephone'

would be criminal not to include this really.

pros: dykes. strong women. prison. pussy wagon. telephone made out of hair. a diner. murder. cookery. a dance routine. BEYONCE.

cons: long. partially sponsored by virgin. unenjoyable if you are a shit person.

1. chase and status 'blind faith'

a camera follows a group of young men to a disco.

pros: everything. the lights, the dancing, the singing. all of it.

cons: if you don't agree with taking drugs it will probably offend/mean nothing to you. even so, BRILLIANT.

have fun tonight. have a cry. use a condom.

love

VIMRS

lessons: respect your crabs

have you ever had crabs? i have. twice. one time from a dirty blanket in east london and the other from a client, also in east london. the lesson here, dont go to east london.

but seriously, crabs. if you've ever had them you'll know how resilient they are. i admire the little bastards in a way. their resistance to destruction deserves a little respect.*

imagine an infestation of crabs who do song and dance routines in skimpy clothes. they look something like this.

ok now imagine one crab is particularly prominent and is much more attractive than the other crabs. she looks like this.

and there you have the reason for nicole scherzinger's burgeoning pop career.

here's the video for debut single 'poison'

looking for victims

found some!

driving through the pubes like a louse out of hell

gurning on too much human blood

she's catchy. you have been warned.

*note - you can actually get rid of crabs with derbac. have fun asking for that at the chemist counter.

the best medicine

"i'm sexy, so you don't have to be"

because i have the lurgy this week and i know it's sweeping the country i thought i'd make everyone happy by showing you this.

it's that sexy bloke from milk making out WITH HIMSELF. it's hard to imagine anything hotter (maybe beyonce).

ps - are you excited for the x-factor final? i'm not. it means i'll have to make small talk with strangers about real issues like that big faggy wimp nick clegg or kettling or wikileaks.

pps - dont worry. there's still the apprentice final and then all the cool christmas telly.

and remember: WEAR YOUR FUCKING THERMALS

lessons: wear your thermals

given all this arctic weather we've been experiencing you'd be forgiven for dressing up in thermal gear your nan has bought you and pretending you're sweedish like i'm currently doing.

but if you're a pop star or a finalist in that there x-factor telly programme then you're probably performing in music videos where you talk to people who are not famous about how famous you are.

take a look at justin bieber's video for 'pray'.

i don't know a lot about justin bieber. apart from the fact he can dance well and (like the pope) he has an army of extremist fans known as 'beliebers'.

'pray' is justin's serious video. i am flooded with nausea whenever a pop star does this. you know that thing they do when they take a break from singing songs about love, da club or being the "only girl in the world" and decide to tackle an issue. it's usually poverty. or famine. or disease. or a melange of all three.

YES some proceeds go to charity

YES it's ethically sound

YES it's perfect for christmas time

but that doesn't stop the aforementioned pop star being a holy douchelord. i mean come on, this chick just looks confused that justin bieber is talking to her

here's how that conversation went:

bieber - hey. you're sick huh?

girl - yes. quite a bit actually. can i help you?

bieber - i came to talk to you about my belief in god. and my pubes.

girl - but you don't have pubes.

bieber - .....

despite this douchery, bieber does know how to rock a thermal

thumbs up justin. but please - quit being a patronising little shit. anyone can (and should!) wear a thermal vest. there's no reason to be smug.

even the x-factor finalists are jumping on the charity christmas single bandwagon.

i dont know about you but if i were in the armed forces i would not appreciate louis from one direction asking me about my experiences in war which are no doubt beyond horrific. i would like the opportunity to ask why they always dress louis like the thief of baghdad though.

i mean the way this video is going you'd think that the x-factor finalists were proposing to go off to war. my bets are on mary byrne being the only one to make it out of helmand alive.

finally take a look at this this audiovisual razorblade enema from mel c. you remember mel? the spice girl who had the best bits in the songs but no one actually wanted to dress up as because her outfits were lame. yeah her.

LOOK AT THIS OFFENSE TO 90s POP

i've been in the same room as mel c. it was DEAD awkward because after mel trollyed out 'i turn to you' the others came on and informed us that mel's new album was out and we should all go out and buy it. cue the entire of o2 arena resolutely sitting down in DISGUST.

LOVE THE HAIR MEL.

hahah i love this picture. she seems to be saying 'where did it all go wrong? is it coz i'm scouse likhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhch?'

the answer is: "no. it all went wrong because

YOU DIDN'T WEAR YOUR THERMALS MELANIE"

wrap up warm sexies.

lessons: my birthday is exactly like this

here's a video of what i'll be doing for the rest of the week

Madonna - Celebration
Uploaded by WBRNewMedia. - Explore more music videos.

i'm selling the dress to anne widdecombe when i'm done.

peace

lessons: take that should cut the TWAT

you know that feeling when you look in the sock drawer and think "i just need to reduce my amount of socks by 75%". i cant help feeling that's what four fifths of take that feel like whenever they look at robbie.

here's 'the flood'

first, let me say that i never really 'got' take that. they split up when i was more pre-occupied with deciding which spice girl i was going to be at break time (clue: it rhymes with 'berry'). but they were pretty huge.

here's a brief summary:

1995 - take that break up because robbie williams is a big douche

2006 - take that reform as a foursome without robbie who is busy being a big douche

2010 - take that decide to let robbie, the world renowned big douche, rejoin the band. on the same day VIMRS cries himself to sleep in despair. they become boring and cant dance anymore because robbie is too fat.

if each member of take that was a constituent body part robbie williams is definitely the ARSE of the whole operation. he's like school in the summer time: no class.

he is a chunky shit. who does he think he is getting fat? gary barlow? (note: gary is definitely better than this butter lusting chunk fiend)

i draw your attention to how much fun take that were having when he wasn't around

LOOK at them doing 'shine'

if take that are reading this (i know you love me jason but we cant be together. not after your williams-shaped betrayal) then please realise that:

YOU DO NOT NEED ROBBIE WILLIAMS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR!

mark is a decent lead, gary is a fine songwriter and jason and crackhead are fairly good dancers. honestly, cut the fat and be good again. he's only going to break your hearts by sitting on them with his huuuuge, coke-fuelled fatty mcfat butt cheeks. you have been warned.

ps - vote for wagner

pps - it wasn't all take twat monochrome boredom this week. kate and wills are getting married. HOORAY

arts cuts? what arts cuts?

here's the video for 'backyard superman' by eric ness. he's some musician who got sergej hein to direct his latest music video.

this video is on vimeo. ooooooh. the thinking blogger's youtube.

Backyard Superman from Sergej Hein on Vimeo.

it's budget but still fun. see, screw the tories taking away all our money - we can still do art LOL

a man, presumed to be eric ness flies into a house perched on top of an east london flat.

he has four severed heads lying around his flat which is disturbing if you stop to think about it.

he's trying to impress a girl who totally isn't interested. which is weird really because if i met a guy who could fly and carried severed heads round in his backpack then i'd go out with him, purely through fear.

who are those heads? are they past lovers? they've clearly wronged him in some way. it's ok they look like douchelords. they're the type of people who vote for katie waissel on sex factor.

GET RID OF THE BITCH NOW NOW NOW SHE IS A LOOOOOOSER

well that was weird.

ps - rebecca ferguson is from liverpool like me. she's PYAH BOSS

FIRE BERK is BEAUTIFUL

as it's the 5th of november i'm doing a firework related video. it's called "firework" by katy perry.

for some reason katy made the video "private" so i cant watch it on youboob so we're using dailymotion.

get over it

Katy Perry - Firework (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

let it be known that i don't like katy perry. she's basically a try hard version of zooey deschanel who cant sing live for toffee. i did have a bit to say about how she compensated for this by being zany (PURPLE HAIR? YOU CRAZY BITCH LOL) but...yeah.

she's doing that thing recording artists occasionally do when they "reach out" to their fans with some inspirational "message" about tuning into their own inner awesomeness. or some shit.

the last person to successfully exploit the fat girl/homo/misfit/bully victim/anorexic/tranny/weirdo market was christina aguilera with her heartfelt "beautiful" video. katy's "firework" is a clear re-working:

both have gays

both have girls with body issues

and both have a strong female role model who serves to inspire these kids out of adversity

katy perry

christina aguilera

and people exploding. gotta say i DO like fireworks. but if folk started running about with what is basically a really lame x-men power i'd sort of be like "hey katy! LOVE the firework thing but what would be really impressive is if you sang live on x-factor"

WOOPSY

happy bonfire night.

ps - vote for wagner

lessons: michael jackson's 'thriller' is DEAD lame

i'm doing michael jackson's thriller this week because it's the only 'scary' video i can think of.

michael jackson - 'thriller'

as it's a soul sucking 13:43 minutes long here's a brief summary.

prologue = boring & lame

part I = unscary lame

part II = postmodern but still lame

part III = undead and lame

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

part V = lame

prologue:

lame disclaimer about not believing in the occult. no one cares. and the occult is cool. check out my great uncle aleister crowley if you want proof.

part I = unscary lame

michael and some whore who posed for playboy one time are probably about to go at it in the dark of the woods which would be truly scary. appaz the jacket is supposed to make him look virile. HAHAHAH

oh but wait. he's not like other guys. just when you expect him to declare his latent interest in male butt holes he turns into a werewolf. see twilight fans, this is what a REAL lycanthrope looks like.

oh wait it's a werecat. sounds lame but personally much more scary. cats are fucking evil and not to be trusted. apart from thundercats, though they're still pretty weird.

part II = postmodern but still lame

so the wolf is chasing titty mcnippleout. oh wait. it's a film in a cinema. a cinema full of people having fun including two people who share an uncanny resemblance with those on screen.

titty mcnippleout is a total pussy for wanting to walk out of a film. who does that? really? unless the film is like 'sex and the city 2'?

she's also dumb coz she's not figured that the guy and the girl in the film are EXACT REPLICAS of her and her boyfriend.

to cheer up his lame girlfriend michael dances in the street. he's giving it beans but she's just being lame and walking around. seriously, cut the bitch loose and hook up with someone who's more up you're street AND OF LEGAL AGE.

part III = undead and lame

zombies are well good but it's nearly seven minutes into this shit storm and not one of them has danced yet. also i love how getting out of your eternal grave is so easy for these zombies. did you guys see that episode of buffy? it takes her a proper EFFORT and trauma to get out of there. and she's a vampire slayer for god's sake. are america's gravediggers just shoddy workers or what?

all the zombies are gunning for that boring bitch with michael. and who can blame them? she's fucking rubbish.

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

ah here we go. anyone who says they dont try to at least imitate THIS BIT when they're drunk and this song comes on is LYING. every ones does it because it's amazing.

part V = lame

ok now we're back to the lame story bit. and the zombies are going to eat whatsherface. oh no they're not. LAME LAME LAME LAME

you know when they do this on sunday's x-factor for the big group sing song (and if they don't they're missing a HUGE trick) i hope that they recreate the entire routine (even mary) with wagner as the michael jackson character. but knowing brian friedman, who is enjoying far too much exposure this year, it'll probably be really standard until cher lloyd appears wearing a pair of trousers crafted from michael jackson's dead body and pulling that face she always pulls.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS