the best medicine

"i'm sexy, so you don't have to be"

because i have the lurgy this week and i know it's sweeping the country i thought i'd make everyone happy by showing you this.

it's that sexy bloke from milk making out WITH HIMSELF. it's hard to imagine anything hotter (maybe beyonce).

ps - are you excited for the x-factor final? i'm not. it means i'll have to make small talk with strangers about real issues like that big faggy wimp nick clegg or kettling or wikileaks.

pps - dont worry. there's still the apprentice final and then all the cool christmas telly.

and remember: WEAR YOUR FUCKING THERMALS

arts cuts? what arts cuts?

here's the video for 'backyard superman' by eric ness. he's some musician who got sergej hein to direct his latest music video.

this video is on vimeo. ooooooh. the thinking blogger's youtube.

Backyard Superman from Sergej Hein on Vimeo.

it's budget but still fun. see, screw the tories taking away all our money - we can still do art LOL

a man, presumed to be eric ness flies into a house perched on top of an east london flat.

he has four severed heads lying around his flat which is disturbing if you stop to think about it.

he's trying to impress a girl who totally isn't interested. which is weird really because if i met a guy who could fly and carried severed heads round in his backpack then i'd go out with him, purely through fear.

who are those heads? are they past lovers? they've clearly wronged him in some way. it's ok they look like douchelords. they're the type of people who vote for katie waissel on sex factor.

GET RID OF THE BITCH NOW NOW NOW SHE IS A LOOOOOOSER

well that was weird.

ps - rebecca ferguson is from liverpool like me. she's PYAH BOSS

FIRE BERK is BEAUTIFUL

as it's the 5th of november i'm doing a firework related video. it's called "firework" by katy perry.

for some reason katy made the video "private" so i cant watch it on youboob so we're using dailymotion.

get over it

Katy Perry - Firework (Official Music Video)
Uploaded by ChaOko_01. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

let it be known that i don't like katy perry. she's basically a try hard version of zooey deschanel who cant sing live for toffee. i did have a bit to say about how she compensated for this by being zany (PURPLE HAIR? YOU CRAZY BITCH LOL) but...yeah.

she's doing that thing recording artists occasionally do when they "reach out" to their fans with some inspirational "message" about tuning into their own inner awesomeness. or some shit.

the last person to successfully exploit the fat girl/homo/misfit/bully victim/anorexic/tranny/weirdo market was christina aguilera with her heartfelt "beautiful" video. katy's "firework" is a clear re-working:

both have gays

both have girls with body issues

and both have a strong female role model who serves to inspire these kids out of adversity

katy perry

christina aguilera

and people exploding. gotta say i DO like fireworks. but if folk started running about with what is basically a really lame x-men power i'd sort of be like "hey katy! LOVE the firework thing but what would be really impressive is if you sang live on x-factor"

WOOPSY

happy bonfire night.

ps - vote for wagner

lessons: michael jackson's 'thriller' is DEAD lame

i'm doing michael jackson's thriller this week because it's the only 'scary' video i can think of.

michael jackson - 'thriller'

as it's a soul sucking 13:43 minutes long here's a brief summary.

prologue = boring & lame

part I = unscary lame

part II = postmodern but still lame

part III = undead and lame

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

part V = lame

prologue:

lame disclaimer about not believing in the occult. no one cares. and the occult is cool. check out my great uncle aleister crowley if you want proof.

part I = unscary lame

michael and some whore who posed for playboy one time are probably about to go at it in the dark of the woods which would be truly scary. appaz the jacket is supposed to make him look virile. HAHAHAH

oh but wait. he's not like other guys. just when you expect him to declare his latent interest in male butt holes he turns into a werewolf. see twilight fans, this is what a REAL lycanthrope looks like.

oh wait it's a werecat. sounds lame but personally much more scary. cats are fucking evil and not to be trusted. apart from thundercats, though they're still pretty weird.

part II = postmodern but still lame

so the wolf is chasing titty mcnippleout. oh wait. it's a film in a cinema. a cinema full of people having fun including two people who share an uncanny resemblance with those on screen.

titty mcnippleout is a total pussy for wanting to walk out of a film. who does that? really? unless the film is like 'sex and the city 2'?

she's also dumb coz she's not figured that the guy and the girl in the film are EXACT REPLICAS of her and her boyfriend.

to cheer up his lame girlfriend michael dances in the street. he's giving it beans but she's just being lame and walking around. seriously, cut the bitch loose and hook up with someone who's more up you're street AND OF LEGAL AGE.

part III = undead and lame

zombies are well good but it's nearly seven minutes into this shit storm and not one of them has danced yet. also i love how getting out of your eternal grave is so easy for these zombies. did you guys see that episode of buffy? it takes her a proper EFFORT and trauma to get out of there. and she's a vampire slayer for god's sake. are america's gravediggers just shoddy workers or what?

all the zombies are gunning for that boring bitch with michael. and who can blame them? she's fucking rubbish.

part IV = AMAZING LOADS

ah here we go. anyone who says they dont try to at least imitate THIS BIT when they're drunk and this song comes on is LYING. every ones does it because it's amazing.

part V = lame

ok now we're back to the lame story bit. and the zombies are going to eat whatsherface. oh no they're not. LAME LAME LAME LAME

you know when they do this on sunday's x-factor for the big group sing song (and if they don't they're missing a HUGE trick) i hope that they recreate the entire routine (even mary) with wagner as the michael jackson character. but knowing brian friedman, who is enjoying far too much exposure this year, it'll probably be really standard until cher lloyd appears wearing a pair of trousers crafted from michael jackson's dead body and pulling that face she always pulls.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BOYS AND GIRLS

geordie pleasures: bum joe? NO NO

whilst writing this i got sidetracked by singing because, you know, my life is a musical. all gays' lives are musicals. just look at joe mcelderry's video for 'ambitions'

like bjork's 'oh so quiet' video without the irony.

but seriously, every gay you meet is trapped, whether they like it or not, in a toe-tapping, jazz-handing, liza minelli fest.

lady here has just been told this:

she looks shocked and disgusted, perhaps even sorry BUT WAIT -

she just gets sucked into the dance routine. it's a lot like that episode of buffy with no vampires (YEAH FUCK YOU CULLEN LOL)

this ability to lure unsuspecting bystanders into their carnival of musical amusement is the main reason why homophobia still exists. nothing to do with taking it up the arse. why?

because no one has sex in musicals. i mean sure, they sing about bumping uglies; but that's about as good as phone sex.

so when people have a go at little joe for being a nancy bum artiste it has nothing to do with sex. because joe doesn't have sex. unfortunate given how pretty he is.

yes - i fancy joe mcelderry. no fucking clue why. i reckon it's coz he's a geordie and with the exception of ant&dec and roaul moat i fucking love geordies.

YES he wears a lot of make up.

YES he is overstyled.

YES he is deeeply boring

but i dont care.

couldn't give a flyin FOOK PET. ha way. byker grove etc.

i'm going to marry joe mcelderry and he will speak to me through song. no bumming. george michael tried to bum joe but failed. cue getting stoned and crashing into a shop.

none of that anal sex thank you very much george michael. STAY AWAY FROM JOE. or i'm going to stuff your face full of wham bars you fatty boom.

finally if that's not BENDERIFIC enough for you, the video was directed by someone called nigel dick HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ps - remember to watch x-factor or duncan bannatyne will blap you with his caledonian sausage

pps - WAGNER RULES

TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

lessons: tina turner videos will GENUINELY improve your life

you know every so often how something totally amazing and supercool happens?

like when madonna says she's divorcing guy ritchie. or when cadbury's finally decide to bring back wispa gold. when you get sent to new york for the first time since you popped out of the ladygarden or when you lose your brand new iphone in a club because you're too "happy", only to discover its been picked up by a flock of angels disguised as uni students who then offer to return it to you.

yeah. amazing shit happens occasionally.

just like when tina turner made the video for 'private dancer' in 1991.

OBSERVE

some have theorised turner's power lies in her hair (a la samson), others say it's in her legs but i'd guess it's probably her mouth.

look at it throughout this practically unparalleled triumph in 80s weirdness. (i know it's '91 so not technically BORN in the 80s. but it's clearly made by people who are still on a truckload of hallucinogens AND amphetamines. and calvin harris is doucheturd. except when he's producing.)

turner's mouth is where the magic happens. it's so fucking powerful she decides to not even put lipstick on (0:09). she's not in need of lipstick. it would only hinder the sheer brilliance that is to come.

if we're going to try and make some sort of sense of this insanity (and unless you just overdosed on wham bars, you're going to have no sense worth having) here's some sense:

sensible narrative- tina is some prozzy who is so tired of this old game that she doesn't even need to dance with people anymore. she just swishes through, hair the size of a small country and mouth a-sneering at the slags around her. she wants OUT OF THIS DAMN BINGO HALL.

christmas cracker crazy narrative - at 0:52 tina enters a dream/drug/descent into insanity sequence which looks eerily like that cool bit from Labyrinth with david bowie. ironic really because tina (with that hair) is looking oddly like jareth the goblin king. extra shoulder pads equal extraamazingpointsLOADS.

in this otherworld of sweetmimes and beautifuldouchebags tina is basically accosted by varying oddballs in fancy dress. it's particularly boss when tophat-wanker douses her with glitterspunk (1:15) and she legs it because she don't need that shit. we've all been there.

we've all been danced at by little gay sailors too. what's their deal? are they just gay because of being on a ship with a bunch of boys? so they're not really gay. not "gay-gay" as someone black and called whoopi might say. either way, tina 'aint having none of that fucking bullshit. that sailor can go have furtive wank behind the bike sheds of the HMS Pinafore with some blotchy bloke called LeeO. orgasm currency FAIL.

the wackiness continues. all the while tina's mouth is working brilliantly. a masterclass in aquiline ferocity. (sidenote: she's a massive buddhist too. yeah totally into that prayer wheel sing-song shit. watch her work dem chants 'ERE)

but the drugs are about to wear off. tina is pelted with roses and applauded by the coterie of weirdos/fags/circus folk. only to awaken from her reverie back in the bingo hall. where she suddenly remembers she's forgot to watch something important (clue: it's x-factor).

i enjoyed that. i hope you did too.

ciao (imgoingtonewyorkZOMG)

ps - are you a MARS or a SNICKERS?

NEVER TRUST someone who answers "bounty".

is leona happy? CAPITAL NO

yeah this leona chick won x-factor or something. here's her new video: here.

she's got a lot of emotions this woman.

there she is feeling a wedding dress and looking mopey. does she want to get married? or not? make your mind up leona, we havn't got all day. we have to get you to a book punching/signing.

(note: whilst we're on the subject of punching leona lewis, my only question is WHY? has there ever been anyone less offensive or controversial than leona fucking lewis??? see! even that sentence looks weird because you never associate leona with fucking anything! least of all the word 'fuck'. i was just about to illustrate my point with a cursory look at her status updates on facebook all of which i imagined would look something like this:

Leona is at home

Leona is not at home

Leona is at mum's house

Leona is going to bed

but what i found was better than all that. she doesn't say anything. her page is one of those lamoshitty famous person pages where the star in question contributes nothing. as is "her" twitter. LOOK!

maybe this is why she got punched? because she's so unpresent or whatever. unpresent people DO indeed suck. fuck all unpresent people. except fritzl, he can be unpresent if he wants.)

so she's in sarejevo or wherever just hanging out and being leona. probably STILL going on about how she won the x-factor. bet all her friends are sick of hearing that. IT'S ALL ABOUT JEDWARD NOW BITCH! (although not really coztheygotvotedoff. irish)

there's an odd bit at 1:34 where she's in a car having 'a laugh' again. it's almost exactly like that "dont drug and drive" advert where everyones got massive pill eyes. except this is a leona lewis video and drugs do NOT exist. GOT THAT?!!! NO FUCKING DRUGS!!! OR FUCKING!!! just leona lewis and x-factor. (do you know she won? a few years back yeah. amazingly talented that girl.)

oooh poor leona though. the dude she wants to hold hands with in the church is actually marrying some other slag. and not leona. what a shitty thing to do eh?! i mean, don't hold hands in the church with someone if you don't want to fuck them up the arse lots and maybe be bumchums for a bit. was never cool. never will be cool. there's today's lesson folks.

oh yeah and if you see leona; give the old bird some punch. not a punch.

cheryl has layers or the many outfits of miss tweedy-cole

remember cheryl cole pre x-factor judge fame? no neither do we. what was she doing before this? being the geordie contingent of a rip-rollicking electro-pop girl group who are ok to like (according to popjustice) obviousssssly. she made her name on a reality tv talent contest and now she PRESENTS a reality tv talent contest? jeezy creezy. why isn't michelle mcmanus a judge yet? or steve brookstein? i guess they were just too busy and important to take part in such trifling things as the x-factor. no one watches it anyway. its fucking shit.*

what 'our cheryl' was not doing was releasing solo singles. this video is a pretty good example of why. regardez:

Fight for This Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs

cheryl cole (nee tweedy) is no longer cheryl cole. she is simply "cheryl" pioneer of young pop hopefuls everywhere. such an inspiration, such a national treasure, such a peoples princess. she is not two dimensional and over-produced. at all.

we're treated to 5 different versions of cheryl:

1) chav cheryl

2) lady gaga cheryl

3) commander cheryl

4) bit goth cheryl

5) slutty cheryl

1) chav cheryl is clearly an homage to her salad days of yore. when she bestrode the northeast like a much more violent and small version of the angel of the north. wearing her pajama pants (leopard print) and a vest she's just pinched from primark and performing a very poor dance routine which is like britney when she's done too much ket at a certain award ceremony.ahem. that said though she does have a bit of a gang thing going on. we'd rather be in danni's gang any day but WHATEVER. 3/5

2) lady gaga cheryl barely makes an appearence but she's there. all unoriginal and completely copied from the joker face's video debut 'just dance'. the only thing cheryl's stylist (i know, we couldn't believe it either) has done differently is put a red snood thing on 'our chezza! LOL ZOMG'. this snood motif appears later on as a tiger print sort of thing. like she's just murdered and skinned a disco tiger. 1/5

3) commander cheryl is probably the most successfully engineered version of 'our cheryl'. all big shoulders, skinny black legs and tilted hats. it does rob the holy one of her biggest asset: that thing she does with her hair when it's all big. surely with her new loreal commercial campaign she should be trying to plug her follicles more than ever?

4/5

4) goth cheryl now this is just confusing. lets not pretend that cheryl even knows or cares about the plight of goth yoof across the country. chavs are the natural enemy of the goth so for her to imitate it badly is just sore. its not proper goth, all shagging in graveyards and impaling yourself on the burning cross of your true loves favourite dark rosary. but it is a lot of black leather and big metal spikes jutting out of her corset. perhaps this should be relabeled 'chastity belt' cheryl? eitherway 2/5

5) slutty cheryl is exactly what it says on the cum-spattered keyboard. suggestive knickers pointing down to her 'private' parts. its not overly slutty though. remember she's meant to be an inspiration for the nations daughters and future female impersonators. 3/5.

to conclude. this video is number one. and its not that good. but x-factor is on in three hours anyway ZOMG LOL!!!!

*i fucking love the x-factor