lessons: take that should cut the TWAT

you know that feeling when you look in the sock drawer and think "i just need to reduce my amount of socks by 75%". i cant help feeling that's what four fifths of take that feel like whenever they look at robbie.

here's 'the flood'

first, let me say that i never really 'got' take that. they split up when i was more pre-occupied with deciding which spice girl i was going to be at break time (clue: it rhymes with 'berry'). but they were pretty huge.

here's a brief summary:

1995 - take that break up because robbie williams is a big douche

2006 - take that reform as a foursome without robbie who is busy being a big douche

2010 - take that decide to let robbie, the world renowned big douche, rejoin the band. on the same day VIMRS cries himself to sleep in despair. they become boring and cant dance anymore because robbie is too fat.

if each member of take that was a constituent body part robbie williams is definitely the ARSE of the whole operation. he's like school in the summer time: no class.

he is a chunky shit. who does he think he is getting fat? gary barlow? (note: gary is definitely better than this butter lusting chunk fiend)

i draw your attention to how much fun take that were having when he wasn't around

LOOK at them doing 'shine'

if take that are reading this (i know you love me jason but we cant be together. not after your williams-shaped betrayal) then please realise that:

YOU DO NOT NEED ROBBIE WILLIAMS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR!

mark is a decent lead, gary is a fine songwriter and jason and crackhead are fairly good dancers. honestly, cut the fat and be good again. he's only going to break your hearts by sitting on them with his huuuuge, coke-fuelled fatty mcfat butt cheeks. you have been warned.

ps - vote for wagner

pps - it wasn't all take twat monochrome boredom this week. kate and wills are getting married. HOORAY

lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.

lessons: george harrison IS/WAS the best beatle

we're still in the 80s. we're still "doing that" so all of the noobs who want to flick themselves off to robert pattinson and bellawhatsherface can still go "do that". we're doing this. and this, is george harrison and it's fucking brilliant.

say what you like about the beatles; i've just come back from america and FUCK ME HARD they like to talk about the beatles. so they frequently say what they like about them. everyone does no doubt. apart from douches who say "i'm not um...really into the beatles"

people like that exist. it's not a pretty universe after all.

BUT WAIT. yes it is. because:

people who don't like the beatles = people who are not actually people.

they're shit demons like that thing from dogma. yeah like this.

sticking with the maths ("it's the same in every language") let's do a question.

if gupta has four venereal diseases and only remembers putting his dong-a-long into three ladies, what song should he be listening to?

sensible answer - gofuckyourselfyoucrazyshitbag

better answer - GEORGE HARRISON's GOT MY MIND SET ON YOU

we all know george was the best beatle. he wrote 'here comes the sun' for fucks sake. some facts about george harrison include:

1) he did a load of eastern stuff. and eastern stuff is SO HOT RIGHT NOW. and he did it back then. clearly a forward thinking man.

2) he worked with madonna on a film with sean penn. (the film totally bombed and he said he hated madonna but you know, a lot of people say that and don't mean it, right?)

3) he is dead

4) he doesn't do the dance at 2:00 in this video. but we can all imagine that he does. yesyesyes.

seriously, where is the need in this dance? sitting in a study with moving objects (foreshadowing that winegums advert much? LOOK.

that's weird enough. but to have a dance smacked up in the middle of this sweetdream(beautifulnightmare)? where has the logic gone? who ate all the logic? etc. etc.

the 80s ate the logic, that's who. @3:33 they have a squirrel or something playing a smoking pipe. i'm sure there's a theory behind why that makes perfect sense. but for now, i'm just going to put it down to people being on drugs. DRUGS FUCK YOU UP. but good music, right?

to cap it all off and warm folk up for winter, i suggest watching THIS WARMING SONG.

it's full of old rockers doing that big end of the 70s vibe where they're not in groups any more and are into promoting their solo shit. which is never as good. but you know, KARMA AND ALL THAT.

merry christmas

lessons: tina turner videos will GENUINELY improve your life

you know every so often how something totally amazing and supercool happens?

like when madonna says she's divorcing guy ritchie. or when cadbury's finally decide to bring back wispa gold. when you get sent to new york for the first time since you popped out of the ladygarden or when you lose your brand new iphone in a club because you're too "happy", only to discover its been picked up by a flock of angels disguised as uni students who then offer to return it to you.

yeah. amazing shit happens occasionally.

just like when tina turner made the video for 'private dancer' in 1991.

OBSERVE

some have theorised turner's power lies in her hair (a la samson), others say it's in her legs but i'd guess it's probably her mouth.

look at it throughout this practically unparalleled triumph in 80s weirdness. (i know it's '91 so not technically BORN in the 80s. but it's clearly made by people who are still on a truckload of hallucinogens AND amphetamines. and calvin harris is doucheturd. except when he's producing.)

turner's mouth is where the magic happens. it's so fucking powerful she decides to not even put lipstick on (0:09). she's not in need of lipstick. it would only hinder the sheer brilliance that is to come.

if we're going to try and make some sort of sense of this insanity (and unless you just overdosed on wham bars, you're going to have no sense worth having) here's some sense:

sensible narrative- tina is some prozzy who is so tired of this old game that she doesn't even need to dance with people anymore. she just swishes through, hair the size of a small country and mouth a-sneering at the slags around her. she wants OUT OF THIS DAMN BINGO HALL.

christmas cracker crazy narrative - at 0:52 tina enters a dream/drug/descent into insanity sequence which looks eerily like that cool bit from Labyrinth with david bowie. ironic really because tina (with that hair) is looking oddly like jareth the goblin king. extra shoulder pads equal extraamazingpointsLOADS.

in this otherworld of sweetmimes and beautifuldouchebags tina is basically accosted by varying oddballs in fancy dress. it's particularly boss when tophat-wanker douses her with glitterspunk (1:15) and she legs it because she don't need that shit. we've all been there.

we've all been danced at by little gay sailors too. what's their deal? are they just gay because of being on a ship with a bunch of boys? so they're not really gay. not "gay-gay" as someone black and called whoopi might say. either way, tina 'aint having none of that fucking bullshit. that sailor can go have furtive wank behind the bike sheds of the HMS Pinafore with some blotchy bloke called LeeO. orgasm currency FAIL.

the wackiness continues. all the while tina's mouth is working brilliantly. a masterclass in aquiline ferocity. (sidenote: she's a massive buddhist too. yeah totally into that prayer wheel sing-song shit. watch her work dem chants 'ERE)

but the drugs are about to wear off. tina is pelted with roses and applauded by the coterie of weirdos/fags/circus folk. only to awaken from her reverie back in the bingo hall. where she suddenly remembers she's forgot to watch something important (clue: it's x-factor).

i enjoyed that. i hope you did too.

ciao (imgoingtonewyorkZOMG)

ps - are you a MARS or a SNICKERS?

NEVER TRUST someone who answers "bounty".