i've clearly been neglecting my music video watching duties boys and girls. because shit just got real on planet music video.
i could pretend i haven't seen the 'yawn this way' video by lady huge nose. but i'd be wrong because i saw it and i'm never going to be able to un-see it the same way john galliano wont be able to retract his love for a certain austrian fascist dictator.
i could review it. but it's overhyped, overblown and overlong. go HERE and judge for yourself.
naturally the gayz are up in arms about 'yawn this way' and there are some (a LOT) who herald hugenose with being the second coming (herself included). she's good, but about as christ-like as i am. this whole 'yawn this way' fiasco drips with disingenuousness.
it's almost as if she has killed gloria gaynor resurrected her with the power of elton john's dildo wand and caused her corpse to dance all over harvey milk's grave fat & naked, covered in glitter and shitting rainbows.
here's a much better video from ke$ha. that also features rainbows amongst some other stuff i like.
1. ke$ha being ke$ha. not ke$ha shamelessly exploiting a targeted demographic
2. people with UNICORN heads. uhh-mazing
3. gun shoes. slightly budget but you know, it's FINE
4. amusing puns on james van der beek's name
5. a RAINBOW GUN FIGHT
there's also a bit where they BOTH remove their bras. now that's REAL equality.
recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.
50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.
5. primary colours 'princess'
this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.
pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.
cons: distinct lack of tina turner
4. unkle 'the answer'
ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.
pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.
cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.
3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'
>
i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.
pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.
before we begin, having a crush on a statue is normal. here's a picture of the statue i fancy.
he's on a war memorial and i walk past him every day that i walk into work. we never speak because he's busy looking after a small child. and he's a statue. easily the best looking statue on the memorial. apart from the angel but they have no bits so they're only good for a snog. anyway my point is; it's ok to fancy statues.
ok so the first indication that none of what follows is real is when Madonna falls over. this never EVER happens. as a being who had a whole fucking arm, let alone a hand, in the creation of the world, Her falling over is a mathematical impossibility.
second clue is when She opens the door to let Herself into church. all churches are Hers and their doors automatically open when ever she shows up. it's not a courtesy thing or anything, it just happens.
this crying statue is pretty accurate though because She can cause anything to cry. these people are faggy wimps but i totally understand where they're coming from.
She brings the statue to life only to be abandoned by the ungrateful fuck. what can we deduce from this? that:
a) the statue has no 'junk' in manner of a ken doll
b) the statue is just not that into Her
c) the statue is gay
WRONG bottom feeder. none of the above. here's why:
a) WRONG beacue a cock simply appears for Her whenever she wants one.
b) WRONG because no such creature exists
c) WRONG because you are hung up on labels
the idea that a knife could penetrate Her skin without permission is actually insane. besides they are not Her hands. look how slutty they are, they're obviously lindsay lohan's hands after she dropped her and sam's spike-dildo 3000. i wonder how that lez is doing in the slammer. i imagine its like bad girls meets mean girls; so it would be like mad girls. whatever, she's knee fucking deep in minge. IT'S A HOLIDAY.
the choir spring from Her mind. this is why they are cool. it has nothing to do with the fact that they're black.
the woman who gets murdered in the back alley is actually a human grown from the nasal tissue of barbara streisand. those guys are fag puritans who worship babs through daily screenings of 'funny girl'
She didn't take any action to save this weird genetically engineered curio because She knew it survived. here's a recent picture.
She then goes to hang out with the choir and snogs the statue. that's nice. and just like that new christopher nolan film starring the bloke from titanic who now resembles bacon, the whole thing is revealed to be a dream. i know, sort of lame - HAHA SHUT UP ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S AMAZING.
if you're still not convinced about Her having created pretty much everything - i refer you to this.
she's so normal that stefani germanotta. so v. down to earth. don't you think? despite garnering worldwide musical fame and stardom she still manages to keep a level head and not get carried away by her own image/hype.
in the video for 'bad romance' however it seems an evil bastardman has been DRUGGING (yes, actual naughty drugs) poor stef and making her do things she wouldn't normally do. ever.
opening on an immobile stefani it is quite clear she has been tranquilised. possibly through the evil black iPod sitting the left of her. we knew steve jobs would have a hand in this exploitation. after all, 'Apple' is the fruit that tempted eve. and what was coiled around the 'Apple' tree? that's right boys and girls: SATAN.
next we see that other bastion of pain and darkness masquerading as light: the tanning salon. this one looks extra evil too. its made everyone look like the ku klux klan with new outfits designed by karl lagerfeld. see. they do much more than give you the badcancer.
she may look like she's dancing; but on the inside stef is screaming "LET ME GO YOU NAZI EVILPERSONS!" why wont anyone help her?
now she's being given alcohol. the devil's naughtyjuice ladies und gents. it'll make you lose your morals. and in stef's case: her clothes.
see stefani's eyes at 1:25 everybody? that right there is called C-O-C-A-I-N-E. or maybe it's ecstasy? all you need to know is that it's bad folks. when that boy in da club offers you some mysterious white powder to whack up your nostrilz, beckoning you into a cubicle infront of the amiable toilet attendant, remember 1:25 of this video. remember little stefi, and reconsider what you're about to sniff.
sadly. not everyone has the luxury of choice you have. certainly not little stefani germanotta.
they've dressed her in a chandelier and made her do a "sexy" stripper dance. and as we all know; the sexiest thing you can do in life is pray to jesus and ask him to help you stop thinking about kissing boys. yeah. you pray to jesus.
the cruelty continues at 3:44. they've slaughtered stefani's pet polarr bear nathaniel!!! how could they?! unutterable bastardos. and she's wearing him like a rug/coat/robeofevilsatanpower. and she doesn't even realise. oh the ursinity!
now they're about to make stef do something she will regret. namely be in the same room as a man with a golden chin-guard.
oh stef what have they done to you? she's incinerating the room. that particular drug is called darkdevilpowerpowder or "twiglets" for short. (remember to hide twiglets from your young. send them to me instead)
what have we learnt here today?
1) stay away from tanning salons
2) and cocaine
3) and never EVER wear anything designed by karl lagerfeld again. for fear of racial discrimination.
there's also a bit where they BOTH remove their bras. now that's REAL equality.
