best of 2010

recently nme posted their 50 best music videos of 2010. i leapt upon this like a fat fuck on cake. and i gave each one of them a mini-review. i dont know how much time i spent watching music videos but it was a lot. i emerged on the other side a new man. i saw things. things normal men are never meant to see.

50 is far too many for any normal person. so i picked the five best that were in the list. go here if you want to look at what nme had to say. be warned - there are a lot of shit videos. what follows is the cream of the crop.

5. primary colours 'princess'

this is the funnest depiction of a post-apocalyptic landscape i've ever seen.

pros: son of man-esque multicoloured marchers. a load of those metal drums being drummed. a TRUMPET.

cons: distinct lack of tina turner

4. unkle 'the answer'

ray winstone talking about being struck by lightning interspersed with beautiful images of the world.

pros: ray winstone crying a bit. very epic. would be good to watch whilst really high. colourful.

cons: could freak you out whilst really high. particularly the bit where ray's eyes bloom into red roses. not very good if you don't like ray winstone.

3. katy perry (feat. snoop dog) 'california gurls'

>

i know, i know. i don't like katy perry. but this video is good. let's just pretend it's zooey deschanel.

pros: take your pick 'n' mix. abusive gummy bears, stuff made of sweets. a dance routine.

cons: snoop dog. and katy perry.

2. lady gaga feat. beyoncé 'telephone'

would be criminal not to include this really.

pros: dykes. strong women. prison. pussy wagon. telephone made out of hair. a diner. murder. cookery. a dance routine. BEYONCE.

cons: long. partially sponsored by virgin. unenjoyable if you are a shit person.

1. chase and status 'blind faith'

a camera follows a group of young men to a disco.

pros: everything. the lights, the dancing, the singing. all of it.

cons: if you don't agree with taking drugs it will probably offend/mean nothing to you. even so, BRILLIANT.

have fun tonight. have a cry. use a condom.

love

VIMRS

happy new year BUT beyonce has the best video

ok so beyonce's video for 'single ladies (put a ring on it)' got voted the best music video of the decade by muzo.tv (which you can visit HERE). and as it's the last post of 2009, it had to be done.

DONTLOOKATBEYONCE

beyonce is fit andyoudefinitelywould. dont care if you like willies or fannies or if you're into cakefarts (i certainly am). beyonce would own you. OWN YOU and your arms and your mum.

ok ok. i'm getting carried away. she's just a woman right?

um. no. here's 6 definitions of beyonce. sponsored by vicewanker cliffe.

1) god. - this may or may not be true. ask richard dawkins. maybe ask him to perform his own parody of the single ladies video a la justin timberlake and countless others.

just picture the atheist supremo gyrating gloriously like m. knowles at 0:54. (or don't. i definitely don't want to). wikiepedia based research backs me up.

time took to scroll down gods wiki= 6 seconds

time took to scroll down beyonce's wiki= 10 seconds.

BOOM

2) jesus. - related to god and said by some to be god incarnate. ALSO said to be black by a lot of folk so you know. jesus was black; he totally got crucified but t

hen totally came back. and then was never seen again but was rumoured to return. and beyonce is black! so you see the evidence is all there. but you cant crucify beyonce. she's immortal.

oh and jesus totally used to do the rhythmic bum slap thing (2:40) with judas and peter all the fucking time.

3) the holy trinity. - beyonce is into threesomes. just look at this video. three women: one concept. the concept being: the father, son and holy ghost 'aint got NOTHING on me, friend.

4) allah. - well no one knows what allah really looks like do they? who's to say it's not beyonce? my friend (who is not muslim) has a copy of the koran and i dont know about you but it'd be a darn bit more interesting if this was on the cover:

6) the devil. - highly unlikely. though there is something about beyonce that is slightly evil. like making little gay men dead confused about their own sexualities.

if you have any further questions then direct them to google. this is what i got when i typed "is beyonce" into the searchbox:

is beyonce pregnant = 1,820,000 results

is beyonce a devil worshipper = 58,100 results

is beyonce a freemason = 567,000 results

is beyonce married = 3,370,000 results

is beyonce dead = 24,100,000 results

is beyonce a christian = 10,900,000 results

is beyonce black = 41,000,000 results

is beyonce evil = 3,350,000 results

is beyonce possessed = 96,100 results

is beyonce's hair real = 10,200,000 results

gawd it was goodlots to write the name of god 10 times. not so good however was the fact that there are 41,000,000 results questioning whether beyonce knowles is black.

someone needs to sort that.

happy new year folks!

having emotions versus. having good hair? no contest

i had an emotion once. it wasn't particularly amazing. it went like this:

"zomgfuckingloveEDWARDCULLENhecouldPENISinjectMEwheneverHELIKES!!!"

or maybe that belonged to some girl who wears weird outfits and likes twlight far too much (TEAM JACOB FTW). whatever. the point is: emotions suck. don't have them. make pop videos instead.

here's a list of the emotions that appear in cheryl cole's new video [watch it here] for '3 words':

............................................................................................................................................................................... .................................. .................................................

yep. that's all of them. a huge vacant canvas of awesome. clock cole's geordie mug at 0:17. she's either fallen into a box of danni minogue's botox needles or she's smacked up on wham bars. either way, ain't nothing going on behind those eyes.

also: split screen initially seems like a shit idea, then becomes a good idea after watching this video. except when that backing dancer of fergie's rears his silly face. why doesn't he just leave?

so cheryl and the backing dancer dude are lying around in some weird room which is probably what churches will look like in about 100 years. all stained glass windows and people lying around fucked on whatever opiates are available. wearing bed sheets because nuclear winter STILL isn't over.

ah that's what this video is. it's a futuristic wedding ceremony!

Dear [insert futuristic lame name here]

You are kind of/maybe invited to the post-nuclear winter interlocking ceremony of cheryl clone 324 and that bloke who used to dance with a reformed meth addict back in the 21st century.

there will be no food as all crops are null and void thanks to michelle mcmanus.

but there will be plenty of mood elevators for you to inject into your pasty radiation ravaged bottoms.

rsvp

ps - don't actually come. because we're dead inside and only care about clothes and robots these days.

that's what the invitation would look like i reckon.

so there's lots of cheryl doing her nice bighair thing. and lots of people writhing around looking soooo recently out of art school it HURTS. all very original so far, right?

WRONG.

at 1:45 it cheryl morphs into beyonce all of a sudden. and only beyonce can be beyonce cheryl. except when she's being sasha fierce or...whatever. LOOK to the left (to the left, beyonce in some metal in a box to the left). whilst not a direct rip, i'd say cheryl has clearly been sourcing knowles for inspiration.

despite all this, swanning about the place like a 24th century version of cleopatra is a pretty good look for cole. it's almost as if she's saying "who or what ARE girls aloud?" who indeed cheryl, whoooo indeeed.

2:31 is very swish. cole now has ice blonde hair and sits on this concept seat like a big space witch out to suck somebody's soul. got to love a bitch in a frock with scheming plan. always.

to conclude this video has no emotions and is the better for it. it may be the best video i've talked about. but it's got that bloke in sooooooooooooooo how's aboot: no.

ps - it's also world aids day. so you know, get clever and wear condoms!

what's worse than 2012? or "we all make mistakes"

something terrible has happened. something so unutterably unthinkable and dispiriting that it will inevitably have little gayz crying into their vivienne westwood hankerchiefs with unadulterated joy.

people with sense will just despair. forever and ever untill the apocalypse in 2012; which will seem like a walk in the park once you've watched this video.

you see boys and girls. everyone makes mistakes. you make them when you listen to the twilight soundtrack and imagine vampires are real. i make them when i snog boys because i forget that boys are meant to snog GIRLS; that is the circle of life i cannot fuck with. thank you mufasa. your parents make them when they buy you mighty max toy when you wanted a polly pocket instead. we all make mistakes.

this list of people who make mistakes now sadly includes: BEYONCE. (i know, i know. but relax. all is not lost). yes beyonce has made a mistake. and that mistake is shaped like lady gaga.

beyonce's new video for 'Video Phone' features joker face herself smearing her dodgy image/smell close to one who simply does not deserve it. beyonce: WE FEEL FOR YOU.

beyonce feat. jokerface: 'video phone' : here

it all begins slightly like a stripper version of resevoir dogs. beyonce heads up a gaggle of suited and snooty guys prowling slow-mo through some bullshit warehouse/dock area. if you pause at 0:42 you can clearly

see bey flanked by none other than mcnulty and bunk from the wire. (note: if you haven't yet watched the wire...[looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong pause])

so clearly this is sasha fierce right? that's beyonce's slaggy alter ego for shoor. (noteagain: whilst we're on that subject, why does she need a fucking alter ego? who is she? spiderman?! you can be sexy AND sweet you know? or gay and straight. or whatever the fuck you want. all of this can be achieved without developing scizhophrenia. GAWWWWD)

and there's our first mistake. some bloke with a camera for a head. right there at 0:47. quod the fuck. quod the ACTUAL fuck? it's so budget it makes us wonder if this video was directed by roman polanski. all of his videos are shit and really budget. because he blows all the money you give him on champagne and quaaludes.

it's just a huge shit storm from here on in folks. strap yourself in.

at 1:12: you know how when beyongay was in that girl band. what were they called again? mystique? anyway. when she was with them it was essentially her and two backing dancers/singers, right? then she did the inevitable and had a solo career. then did a few videos where it was her and two backing dancers? yeah well now she's gone to the next level. its just her and two other versions of herself. in what my nan would describe as "dead shitty outfits".

then the camera man who's filming this starts having epilepsy. or something.

then beyonce has guns. and she's shooting them. but they're like, retarded rubbish guns that you used to get as a kid from the pound shop. where is roman polanski when you need him to stop raping children??!

yeah then jokerface herself rocks up at 2:26. looking extra cheap and nassssty. which ever one of beyonce's people thought it was a good idea to have her guest in this video really needs to go get one of those cheapo guns shoved up their back passage.

something deeply disturbing happens at 2:56. do you remember when beyonce got into a bit of trouble for posing for vanity fair magazine? and it was said she'd had her skin digitally lightened to look more white. it looks like somebody is up to their old tricks. SHE'S LIKE A WIGGED UP CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST! look!

what follows can only be described as "cack". beyonce and jokerface proceed to do a synchronized chair dance. which is just, plain pooandroobish. then some clips of beyonce shooting one of those budgetguns on a motorcycle. HOW WEIRD AND OUT THERE and WACKY. spare me.

i'm really sorry you watched that. i'm sorry i watched it. let's watch a GOOD beyonce feat. a decent artist in a video with actual production values that haven't been squandered by a child rapist shall we?

MUCH BETTER BEYONCE VIDOE TO MAKE YOU FEEL MUCH BETTERLOADS: watchsomethingbetter.com

there. much better.