bushido and the art of dancing around a room lots

this video got reviewed coz of this woman's blog (deadniceblog).

ok that whole 'rage' thing at the beginning of this otherwise brilliant example of kate bush lessons in art house vidoes (or SUMINK) is nothing to do with me. it's just annoying. like a steamy turd that refuses to flush.

kate bush is NOT a turd. or if she is, she's a very aurally pleasant, beautifully scented rainbow poo, that get shat out by the likes of aphrodite or michelle obama. she's anti-shit. existing to counter balance the awful things in the world like nick griffin, the pope and/or ulrika johnson.

i bum kate bush already but yeah. cheers.

so it's 1985 and something politcally thatcherite is probably going down so kate bush makes this video. dancing her tits off with michael hevieu in what some have called a 'choreographed' performance.

nonsense if you ask me.

we're in the 80s again for bums sake. and how do music videos in the 80s attain their brilliance?

hello drugs.

but this is kate bush and she is literally odd enough to do without them.

from the moment she jerks that bloke's head around at 0:02, forcing him to blow an invisible willy, you know this is going to be good.

and because she's totally a feminist and stuff, she uses the bloke as a climbing frame at 0:13. yeah. she climbs all over the muscular yumminess that is patriarchy. yeah. slag. arty slag in a kimono.

even when he tries to hold her back from hurling herself through the glass ceiling window she smacks him off and continues (1:00). then she's casting around looking for a light bulb to re-fit. ON HER OWN. or something.

and like all people in the universe, what she's wearing, that kimono thing, it MEANS something. and it's called a hakama.

and hakama's are part of the dress of those who follow the way of bushido. yes. BUSHido.

this bitch definitely/probably got an A* in artyfarty studies. (i'd claim one for knowing that too but i just know shit. definitely didn't use wikipedia)

she knew what she was doing. firing the invisible arrow of feminist-ism deep into the interregnum of post-structuralist wanky panky.

(I AM NOT A LIT STUDENT)

or not. she's just dancing around a room with a bloke who would DEFINITELY get it. she would too like but mainly him. how about her AND him? yeah. much better. let's all get bisexual.

there's a new 2010 trend: bisexual bushido. right there.

i'm off to get lube and a hakama.

lessons: george harrison IS/WAS the best beatle

we're still in the 80s. we're still "doing that" so all of the noobs who want to flick themselves off to robert pattinson and bellawhatsherface can still go "do that". we're doing this. and this, is george harrison and it's fucking brilliant.

say what you like about the beatles; i've just come back from america and FUCK ME HARD they like to talk about the beatles. so they frequently say what they like about them. everyone does no doubt. apart from douches who say "i'm not um...really into the beatles"

people like that exist. it's not a pretty universe after all.

BUT WAIT. yes it is. because:

people who don't like the beatles = people who are not actually people.

they're shit demons like that thing from dogma. yeah like this.

sticking with the maths ("it's the same in every language") let's do a question.

if gupta has four venereal diseases and only remembers putting his dong-a-long into three ladies, what song should he be listening to?

sensible answer - gofuckyourselfyoucrazyshitbag

better answer - GEORGE HARRISON's GOT MY MIND SET ON YOU

we all know george was the best beatle. he wrote 'here comes the sun' for fucks sake. some facts about george harrison include:

1) he did a load of eastern stuff. and eastern stuff is SO HOT RIGHT NOW. and he did it back then. clearly a forward thinking man.

2) he worked with madonna on a film with sean penn. (the film totally bombed and he said he hated madonna but you know, a lot of people say that and don't mean it, right?)

3) he is dead

4) he doesn't do the dance at 2:00 in this video. but we can all imagine that he does. yesyesyes.

seriously, where is the need in this dance? sitting in a study with moving objects (foreshadowing that winegums advert much? LOOK.

that's weird enough. but to have a dance smacked up in the middle of this sweetdream(beautifulnightmare)? where has the logic gone? who ate all the logic? etc. etc.

the 80s ate the logic, that's who. @3:33 they have a squirrel or something playing a smoking pipe. i'm sure there's a theory behind why that makes perfect sense. but for now, i'm just going to put it down to people being on drugs. DRUGS FUCK YOU UP. but good music, right?

to cap it all off and warm folk up for winter, i suggest watching THIS WARMING SONG.

it's full of old rockers doing that big end of the 70s vibe where they're not in groups any more and are into promoting their solo shit. which is never as good. but you know, KARMA AND ALL THAT.

merry christmas

lessons: tina turner videos will GENUINELY improve your life

you know every so often how something totally amazing and supercool happens?

like when madonna says she's divorcing guy ritchie. or when cadbury's finally decide to bring back wispa gold. when you get sent to new york for the first time since you popped out of the ladygarden or when you lose your brand new iphone in a club because you're too "happy", only to discover its been picked up by a flock of angels disguised as uni students who then offer to return it to you.

yeah. amazing shit happens occasionally.

just like when tina turner made the video for 'private dancer' in 1991.

OBSERVE

some have theorised turner's power lies in her hair (a la samson), others say it's in her legs but i'd guess it's probably her mouth.

look at it throughout this practically unparalleled triumph in 80s weirdness. (i know it's '91 so not technically BORN in the 80s. but it's clearly made by people who are still on a truckload of hallucinogens AND amphetamines. and calvin harris is doucheturd. except when he's producing.)

turner's mouth is where the magic happens. it's so fucking powerful she decides to not even put lipstick on (0:09). she's not in need of lipstick. it would only hinder the sheer brilliance that is to come.

if we're going to try and make some sort of sense of this insanity (and unless you just overdosed on wham bars, you're going to have no sense worth having) here's some sense:

sensible narrative- tina is some prozzy who is so tired of this old game that she doesn't even need to dance with people anymore. she just swishes through, hair the size of a small country and mouth a-sneering at the slags around her. she wants OUT OF THIS DAMN BINGO HALL.

christmas cracker crazy narrative - at 0:52 tina enters a dream/drug/descent into insanity sequence which looks eerily like that cool bit from Labyrinth with david bowie. ironic really because tina (with that hair) is looking oddly like jareth the goblin king. extra shoulder pads equal extraamazingpointsLOADS.

in this otherworld of sweetmimes and beautifuldouchebags tina is basically accosted by varying oddballs in fancy dress. it's particularly boss when tophat-wanker douses her with glitterspunk (1:15) and she legs it because she don't need that shit. we've all been there.

we've all been danced at by little gay sailors too. what's their deal? are they just gay because of being on a ship with a bunch of boys? so they're not really gay. not "gay-gay" as someone black and called whoopi might say. either way, tina 'aint having none of that fucking bullshit. that sailor can go have furtive wank behind the bike sheds of the HMS Pinafore with some blotchy bloke called LeeO. orgasm currency FAIL.

the wackiness continues. all the while tina's mouth is working brilliantly. a masterclass in aquiline ferocity. (sidenote: she's a massive buddhist too. yeah totally into that prayer wheel sing-song shit. watch her work dem chants 'ERE)

but the drugs are about to wear off. tina is pelted with roses and applauded by the coterie of weirdos/fags/circus folk. only to awaken from her reverie back in the bingo hall. where she suddenly remembers she's forgot to watch something important (clue: it's x-factor).

i enjoyed that. i hope you did too.

ciao (imgoingtonewyorkZOMG)

ps - are you a MARS or a SNICKERS?

NEVER TRUST someone who answers "bounty".

strictly come dancing on ice in the 80s or lick the tortoise

you know what's better than 90s videos?

80s videos. cue inevitable facebookgeneration response of "noooo dickhead, we're over our ironic appreciation of a previous decade. we like TWLIGHT now? and twitter"

alright folks. but the 80s is still deadgoodloads right? actually that's not even going to be a question. truefact. in. your. pretty. face.

apart from this song being ten thousand breeds of amazing, this video (like most stuff from the decade) is batshit crazy. say hello to 'Art of Noise - Moments in Love'.

six oddballs are sitting around watching dolly parton (0:54) and a chap with a fine profile (0:58) ice skate.

is this some fucked-up competition, whereby dolly and her dude must skate for survival? maybe.

so now one of the "judges" has a bit of a headache and then experiences a vision (alice fromtwilight style FTW) of a boy about to suck face with a tortoise.

back to the skate and blokeinmask has either just eaten a watermelon or he wants to molest dolly parton-

right. hold. the. bigfuckingmobilephone.

watch carefully from 1:30 and prepare for a glimpse of just how many drugs people were on during the 1980s. at 1:34 you will see what i mean.

tortoise. in a dress. ICESKATING.

a cursory look at the making of this video states the tortoise is "supposed" to represent the lethargy of mainstream rock. i guess they have to say that for, you know political correctness or something.

onto 2:20 and that boy (is he on drugs too? poor lamb) is in serious danger of licking the tortoise.

at 2:40 you will see what will haunt my nightmares for the rest of the festive period. a representation "the lethargy of mainstream rock music" (OR A FUCKING FUCKED UP TURTLE MAYBZ???!) moaning into the camera.

ahhh dude with a harp makes it all better.

is this not fantastic? the judges deliver their final scores (like a really really scary nightmare version of 'strictly come dancing on ice'), then flip their cards which read "DON'T BE AFRAID". umm.

then dolly&her dude both win a golden tortoise.

because that was such an eye opener i'm only reviewing 80s videos this coming week. suggestions (especially those that include ice-skating animals and/or hair the size of a small moon) welcome.

ps - don't do this