vote KELIS in on the 6th of may

so whilst christina aguilera is jumping on the 'i'm a robot from the future!' pop bandwagon that's already been crashed by lady gaga, kelis has taken a...um...different direction. the lib dems by the looks of things. lots of yellow

ignoring the future as much as possible the video for 'acapella' features wolves, bright colours, A HEADDRESS, and a baby.

so it's exactly like the video for milkshake!

when you think about it kelis is just like rihanna but older, harder and with grills.

so that headdress is pretty good. pretty stylish. they only look good on women though. like grace jones or karen o.

when gays wear them it's just shit and depressing. queens are cool but with no one to rule over you're just a loser with a bad choice of hat.

'acapella' looks like it was shot in the olden days. bit grainy. BUT WHEN IS IT OUT IN 3D KELIS?!

there's an election soon apparently so you have to go register to vote or you're a douche. here's some shit VICE are doing on it. if the tories win then they might bring back hunting which would be good for kelis as she hunts for geese or whatever @ 0:50.

if kelis was in the running for government i'd probably vote for her, mainly through fear. better than nick clegg. she rocks yellow more than he does @ 2:15.

frankly it's a bit rich that a black woman is allowed to paint herself all these fabulous colours and not get called racist. i think she's being politically incorrect wouldn't you say nick griffin?

such a babe.

she's like a slutty butterfly @ 2:15. a SLUTTERFLY one might say. are slutterflies just butterflies with bigger jugs and blonder hair?

now the end is odd because she just turns around and there's a baby on her back. it may be her son, it may be one of madonna's. eitherway it's there. fair and square.

whatever happened to the merry old days of when a popstar could just make a video about drinking dairy products?

TO THE YARD

much better.

VICE STYLE & lagerfeld bat their lashes

ok so the people at VICE want everyone to all go and look at VICESTYLE. it's an alright website, full of pretty pictures of people in alright clothes. some people get their jugs out. untill i see some guys getting their butts out i really dont care but i live in hope. they also sent me a cool photo of the best person in fashion. LOOK

i enjoy him a lot. imagine if he was your local librarian?

ok so i enjoy this video too:

BAT FOR LASHES - DANIEL

not because it's got my name in, i just think it's a cool song. the video is, not so.

she's in a hoody with her own band's name on it? i hope she paid for that. she certainly didn't pay these art students dressed in balloons enough. they're not even interpreting what they're doing. they're just beating the shit out of her. seriously, it's like leigh bowry (rubber suit wearing gay. dead now) called forth some fashion demons who weren't arty or fashiony, just annoying.

it's like some people from boombox (club night. dead now. i think, i don't live in london) or a vice style party are attacking a london rude gurl. she's strong though. so art school it hurts.

i swear these douches were pinched from a patrick wolf gig or something.

i guess this is what all the kids who went to boombox are doing now. that or rioting at american apparel. (seriously what was the big guffawing fuss about? i like bright colours too but i'd rather eat an orange and watch over the rainbow than go jumping around brick lane fighting off vacuum packed jean clad douches for a pair of spangly long johns. i already own a pair of american app long johns. they're purple and i didn't have to get into a fight to get them. CHILL OUT).

basically just go out, wear decent clothes, dance to stuff, avoid people wearing balloons, go look at VICE (especially you) and remember: if in doubt, act like karl lagerfeld.

YOU WONT UNDERSTAND "iamamiwhoami"! (VICE has the answers?)

you've been planning on doing something because somebody asked you: taking out the rubbish, buying some biscuits, sucking their cock, tagging their photos on FB. or you've been asked to write something to do with a feature VICE are doing with noam chomsky (WTF?).

then something much more interesting pops up. like your unexpected/unrequieted love for someone or a pop tart. (DONTFALLINLOVEJUSTEATAPOPTART)

or the iamamiwhoami videos.

prelude 699130082.451322 - offers many things. stuff you'd usually associate with eco-whackjobs. trees. with limbs.

TREES

WITH

LIMBS.

anthropomorphism is clearly what we're all about.

then there's that odd 'birth' bit. honestly, birth meant to be that 'great' thing of beauty that people harp on about? GIVE A SHIT?! that's fucking grim.

keep your ovaries ladies, i'll stick to the ballsports.

no clue what that girl in the dark bath's deal is. maybe it's ke$ha.

9.1.13.669321018 - that girl who might be ke$ha is back. and she's licking a tree. what she thinks she's going to achieve by this is....a potent metaphor maybz? oot!!!! there's an owl.

then there's some spunk dribbling down a tree. whoever shot that needs to drink more water. dehydration is a killer kids.

9.20.19.13.5.723378 - this last one is my favourite. water water everywhere. and not a drip of piss. seriously i hate people who piss in pools. have some control! have a care!

hokkay. so what is all that about? noam chomsky may know so check out VICE's interview with him. or not. i didn't. VICEWANKERLINK.

people reckon those videos are a viral marketing campaign for......

CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

boom.

i'm not sure either but do YOU have a better idea?

VICE travel WANKER

in keeping with the gun toting theme of the last post here's a non-music video for you to watch for a change.

that's taken from the VICE guide to travel. it's pretty grim; i'm glad VICE went and i don't have to.

in case you didn't notice this is a VICEwanker post i'm doing because i got told to do so. but i segue way-ed into it pretty slick with the whole gun related thing. i thought:

"liberia has guns. the rihanna video featured guns. why not do a segue way?"

having watched all the episodes available on VBS.TV i was pretty freaked out by liberia. i didn't even know the place existed. it's not my fault though, i write a blog. i cant be expected to actually keep up with all the shit that happens in the universe/world.

and it's tough to imagine a place less shitandawful than liberia. maybe haiti (DONATEFOOLS). but hey at least it's a conversation starter at the next party i don't get invited to:

whiteboyME - 'so have you seen that thing i posted about liberia? it's grim'

whiteboyOTHER - 'naw i'm busy with my raving right now[continuousWHITEnoise]'

watch the rest of the series. it only gets worse. but that's the beauty of the internet. you can observe the weird and gross without even having to leave yourprecious macbook (which i bet is totally white).

strictly come dancing on ice in the 80s or lick the tortoise

you know what's better than 90s videos?

80s videos. cue inevitable facebookgeneration response of "noooo dickhead, we're over our ironic appreciation of a previous decade. we like TWLIGHT now? and twitter"

alright folks. but the 80s is still deadgoodloads right? actually that's not even going to be a question. truefact. in. your. pretty. face.

apart from this song being ten thousand breeds of amazing, this video (like most stuff from the decade) is batshit crazy. say hello to 'Art of Noise - Moments in Love'.

six oddballs are sitting around watching dolly parton (0:54) and a chap with a fine profile (0:58) ice skate.

is this some fucked-up competition, whereby dolly and her dude must skate for survival? maybe.

so now one of the "judges" has a bit of a headache and then experiences a vision (alice fromtwilight style FTW) of a boy about to suck face with a tortoise.

back to the skate and blokeinmask has either just eaten a watermelon or he wants to molest dolly parton-

right. hold. the. bigfuckingmobilephone.

watch carefully from 1:30 and prepare for a glimpse of just how many drugs people were on during the 1980s. at 1:34 you will see what i mean.

tortoise. in a dress. ICESKATING.

a cursory look at the making of this video states the tortoise is "supposed" to represent the lethargy of mainstream rock. i guess they have to say that for, you know political correctness or something.

onto 2:20 and that boy (is he on drugs too? poor lamb) is in serious danger of licking the tortoise.

at 2:40 you will see what will haunt my nightmares for the rest of the festive period. a representation "the lethargy of mainstream rock music" (OR A FUCKING FUCKED UP TURTLE MAYBZ???!) moaning into the camera.

ahhh dude with a harp makes it all better.

is this not fantastic? the judges deliver their final scores (like a really really scary nightmare version of 'strictly come dancing on ice'), then flip their cards which read "DON'T BE AFRAID". umm.

then dolly&her dude both win a golden tortoise.

because that was such an eye opener i'm only reviewing 80s videos this coming week. suggestions (especially those that include ice-skating animals and/or hair the size of a small moon) welcome.

ps - don't do this