lessons: it's ok to like ke$ha

first of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

second of all, there was no post last week because i was in berlin. if you've not been then i suggest you go and have a beer or two because it is very, very good. amongst other activities i got to:

- sing to my hearts content in monster ronson's ichiban kareoke: here.

- learn all i could about that pesky hitler bloke: here.

- pick up the latest copy of exberliner: here.

- and watch my friend conspicuously throw up on a table in a cool bar: here.

all in all, there was a good time had...by all. now to business.

i used to majorly slag off ke$ha for spelling her name with a dollar sign. I WAS WRONG. my time in uber liberal and sexy berlin taught me the error of my judgeMENTAL ways.

here's her alternative video for 'take it off'

here's why i like this video:

1. ke$ha

you show me the last young pop singer to have the balls to dress as trashy as she does. plus in this video she's half animal and stuff. she's like a were-cat only with more glitter and an army of gays. 10 POINTS

2. colour - fuck what you heard about being all dark and grey this winter. on planet pop EVERYTHING MUST BE BRIGHT AND FuCKING COLOurFUL.

3. jeffree star

i forgot this fag even existed. remember when he was the uber queer of myspace? remember when you cared? now he just shows up only to get annihilated by ke$ha's slut voodoo. bet you he wishes he'd spelt HIS name with a dollar sign.

4. animism

anything that suggests you have an inner animal totem is evidence that ke$ha is, you know, well meta and not a total slag wagon at all.

5. ke$ha

because she's not katy fucking perry.

geordie pleasures: bum joe? NO NO

whilst writing this i got sidetracked by singing because, you know, my life is a musical. all gays' lives are musicals. just look at joe mcelderry's video for 'ambitions'

like bjork's 'oh so quiet' video without the irony.

but seriously, every gay you meet is trapped, whether they like it or not, in a toe-tapping, jazz-handing, liza minelli fest.

lady here has just been told this:

she looks shocked and disgusted, perhaps even sorry BUT WAIT -

she just gets sucked into the dance routine. it's a lot like that episode of buffy with no vampires (YEAH FUCK YOU CULLEN LOL)

this ability to lure unsuspecting bystanders into their carnival of musical amusement is the main reason why homophobia still exists. nothing to do with taking it up the arse. why?

because no one has sex in musicals. i mean sure, they sing about bumping uglies; but that's about as good as phone sex.

so when people have a go at little joe for being a nancy bum artiste it has nothing to do with sex. because joe doesn't have sex. unfortunate given how pretty he is.

yes - i fancy joe mcelderry. no fucking clue why. i reckon it's coz he's a geordie and with the exception of ant&dec and roaul moat i fucking love geordies.

YES he wears a lot of make up.

YES he is overstyled.

YES he is deeeply boring

but i dont care.

couldn't give a flyin FOOK PET. ha way. byker grove etc.

i'm going to marry joe mcelderry and he will speak to me through song. no bumming. george michael tried to bum joe but failed. cue getting stoned and crashing into a shop.

none of that anal sex thank you very much george michael. STAY AWAY FROM JOE. or i'm going to stuff your face full of wham bars you fatty boom.

finally if that's not BENDERIFIC enough for you, the video was directed by someone called nigel dick HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

ps - remember to watch x-factor or duncan bannatyne will blap you with his caledonian sausage

pps - WAGNER RULES

vote KELIS in on the 6th of may

so whilst christina aguilera is jumping on the 'i'm a robot from the future!' pop bandwagon that's already been crashed by lady gaga, kelis has taken a...um...different direction. the lib dems by the looks of things. lots of yellow

ignoring the future as much as possible the video for 'acapella' features wolves, bright colours, A HEADDRESS, and a baby.

so it's exactly like the video for milkshake!

when you think about it kelis is just like rihanna but older, harder and with grills.

so that headdress is pretty good. pretty stylish. they only look good on women though. like grace jones or karen o.

when gays wear them it's just shit and depressing. queens are cool but with no one to rule over you're just a loser with a bad choice of hat.

'acapella' looks like it was shot in the olden days. bit grainy. BUT WHEN IS IT OUT IN 3D KELIS?!

there's an election soon apparently so you have to go register to vote or you're a douche. here's some shit VICE are doing on it. if the tories win then they might bring back hunting which would be good for kelis as she hunts for geese or whatever @ 0:50.

if kelis was in the running for government i'd probably vote for her, mainly through fear. better than nick clegg. she rocks yellow more than he does @ 2:15.

frankly it's a bit rich that a black woman is allowed to paint herself all these fabulous colours and not get called racist. i think she's being politically incorrect wouldn't you say nick griffin?

such a babe.

she's like a slutty butterfly @ 2:15. a SLUTTERFLY one might say. are slutterflies just butterflies with bigger jugs and blonder hair?

now the end is odd because she just turns around and there's a baby on her back. it may be her son, it may be one of madonna's. eitherway it's there. fair and square.

whatever happened to the merry old days of when a popstar could just make a video about drinking dairy products?

TO THE YARD

much better.

VICE STYLE & lagerfeld bat their lashes

ok so the people at VICE want everyone to all go and look at VICESTYLE. it's an alright website, full of pretty pictures of people in alright clothes. some people get their jugs out. untill i see some guys getting their butts out i really dont care but i live in hope. they also sent me a cool photo of the best person in fashion. LOOK

i enjoy him a lot. imagine if he was your local librarian?

ok so i enjoy this video too:

BAT FOR LASHES - DANIEL

not because it's got my name in, i just think it's a cool song. the video is, not so.

she's in a hoody with her own band's name on it? i hope she paid for that. she certainly didn't pay these art students dressed in balloons enough. they're not even interpreting what they're doing. they're just beating the shit out of her. seriously, it's like leigh bowry (rubber suit wearing gay. dead now) called forth some fashion demons who weren't arty or fashiony, just annoying.

it's like some people from boombox (club night. dead now. i think, i don't live in london) or a vice style party are attacking a london rude gurl. she's strong though. so art school it hurts.

i swear these douches were pinched from a patrick wolf gig or something.

i guess this is what all the kids who went to boombox are doing now. that or rioting at american apparel. (seriously what was the big guffawing fuss about? i like bright colours too but i'd rather eat an orange and watch over the rainbow than go jumping around brick lane fighting off vacuum packed jean clad douches for a pair of spangly long johns. i already own a pair of american app long johns. they're purple and i didn't have to get into a fight to get them. CHILL OUT).

basically just go out, wear decent clothes, dance to stuff, avoid people wearing balloons, go look at VICE (especially you) and remember: if in doubt, act like karl lagerfeld.

dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.

TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

taylor skiwiffed & gothic doubling

do we let taylor finish?

before we begin, i really thought

taylor was wearing a t-shirt that said "junior jews" (0:12). it actually says "junior jewels" but some of the more cynical amongst us would ask:

"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" lolzomg

setting your foul anti-semitism aside, let's talk about difference. let's talk about spotting the difference.

the differences between:

blonde taylor

&

brunette taylor

in this accidental (?) example of gothic doubling and split-personality presented in the form of swift's video for 'you belong with me'.

in that defonotmisogynist idea of the virgin & the whore as the only types of women available to mankind, blonde taylor is, as one would have guessed, the "virgin".

there she wiles away the hours in her bedroom having fits (0:52). presumably this is coz she doesn't have internet access and therfore cannot watch porn or facebook the guy she likes.

(seriously. why are they showing eachother supergay little messages on paper? is it coz they're white? why not show them texting eachother or poking each other on facebuk? is this the 50s? are they going to tell calpurnia to cook their supper DARN TOOTIN'. gawd, why is taylor so racist? is it the kanye thing? he doesn't speak for all black folk taylor. lighten up)

blonde taylor is an example of the "she's all that" girl. if you haven't seen the film.....i dunno what to suggest. basically this girl is all 'different' and stuff. she listens to female singer songwriters and ALL THE SONGS ARE ABOUT HER. ALL OF THEM. she reads too, because you know, boys are secondary to studying. learning is fun etc. etc. "fashion isn't important" and shit like that. think anne hathaway in the beginning of 'the devil wears prada'.

taylor subvertstheform a little bit here; she does like 'one special guy'. (take that to read, the obv gay guy who just "respects" ladies too much to fuck them. VOM). but she really "gets" him you know?

brunette taylor is just a slutty bitch who couldn't give a shit about him. she's only dating him because he's the hottest guy in school. who cares if he likes to lap up spunk? she's not fucking him anyway. she's cheating on him with shane oman. (fanksmeangirls).

either way lead gayboy ends up ditching slag-taylor in favour of the 'she's all that'-taylor. little does she know that he wont want to fuck her either when he goes away to college and begins 'experimenting' with his room mate (ITSDEFINITELYNOTGAYWITHTHELIGHTSOFF!). so she'll have to resort to....yup...fucking shane oman and dying her hair brunette.

circle of life friends. disney never put it better.

and after all that, kanye west will STILL be a douche. YAY

also: pledge some money to haiti you curmudgeon.yeahthereyougo

lessons: hoof is BACK

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lessons: tina turner videos will GENUINELY improve your life

you know every so often how something totally amazing and supercool happens?

like when madonna says she's divorcing guy ritchie. or when cadbury's finally decide to bring back wispa gold. when you get sent to new york for the first time since you popped out of the ladygarden or when you lose your brand new iphone in a club because you're too "happy", only to discover its been picked up by a flock of angels disguised as uni students who then offer to return it to you.

yeah. amazing shit happens occasionally.

just like when tina turner made the video for 'private dancer' in 1991.

OBSERVE

some have theorised turner's power lies in her hair (a la samson), others say it's in her legs but i'd guess it's probably her mouth.

look at it throughout this practically unparalleled triumph in 80s weirdness. (i know it's '91 so not technically BORN in the 80s. but it's clearly made by people who are still on a truckload of hallucinogens AND amphetamines. and calvin harris is doucheturd. except when he's producing.)

turner's mouth is where the magic happens. it's so fucking powerful she decides to not even put lipstick on (0:09). she's not in need of lipstick. it would only hinder the sheer brilliance that is to come.

if we're going to try and make some sort of sense of this insanity (and unless you just overdosed on wham bars, you're going to have no sense worth having) here's some sense:

sensible narrative- tina is some prozzy who is so tired of this old game that she doesn't even need to dance with people anymore. she just swishes through, hair the size of a small country and mouth a-sneering at the slags around her. she wants OUT OF THIS DAMN BINGO HALL.

christmas cracker crazy narrative - at 0:52 tina enters a dream/drug/descent into insanity sequence which looks eerily like that cool bit from Labyrinth with david bowie. ironic really because tina (with that hair) is looking oddly like jareth the goblin king. extra shoulder pads equal extraamazingpointsLOADS.

in this otherworld of sweetmimes and beautifuldouchebags tina is basically accosted by varying oddballs in fancy dress. it's particularly boss when tophat-wanker douses her with glitterspunk (1:15) and she legs it because she don't need that shit. we've all been there.

we've all been danced at by little gay sailors too. what's their deal? are they just gay because of being on a ship with a bunch of boys? so they're not really gay. not "gay-gay" as someone black and called whoopi might say. either way, tina 'aint having none of that fucking bullshit. that sailor can go have furtive wank behind the bike sheds of the HMS Pinafore with some blotchy bloke called LeeO. orgasm currency FAIL.

the wackiness continues. all the while tina's mouth is working brilliantly. a masterclass in aquiline ferocity. (sidenote: she's a massive buddhist too. yeah totally into that prayer wheel sing-song shit. watch her work dem chants 'ERE)

but the drugs are about to wear off. tina is pelted with roses and applauded by the coterie of weirdos/fags/circus folk. only to awaken from her reverie back in the bingo hall. where she suddenly remembers she's forgot to watch something important (clue: it's x-factor).

i enjoyed that. i hope you did too.

ciao (imgoingtonewyorkZOMG)

ps - are you a MARS or a SNICKERS?

NEVER TRUST someone who answers "bounty".