TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

introducing spear theory, lamedating and "44"

here is britney spears new video for 'One Two Three'. it's all about numbers. this is important information. have a care and remember.

if britney's new video was a personals ad on some lame dating website like match.com or gaydar.co.uk

(maybe it'd be on fitlads.net; but then, WHO'D go on there? ehhhhhh?) it would probably read something like this:

blonde with newly improved hair, likes to shake ass against all white backgrounds in order to ignore camera for no reason.

can wear slutty clothes without being an ACTUAL slut because ACTUAL sluts don't have their own fragrance. (0:02)

enjoys walks down hollywood boulevard with a starbucks decaf ketamine latte, no cream.

did not used to be crazy and/or bald. ever.

keep getting messages from user: jokerfacecakefart asking me to be in a video with her. do not want to do a bigweird video with that nose! GET THE MESSAGE!

not interested in anyone called kevin. or going to vegas.

cheers!

i wouldn't message back, but place your bets that psycho maryqueen chris crocker doing so. go on, make love happen.

VOM.

thankfully it's not a dating video. so now it's time to get theoretical about the hidden messages buried deep in the subconscious of mz b.spears. time for some:

spear theory: britney touches her hair 44 times in this video. yes. 44 times. not only is that fun; it also means something. some hidden knowledge that should probably be accompanied by the noise that occurs at 0:15 in this medical awareness campaign against listeria.

so what does it mean?

well my superior C grade gsce in mathematics (also known as: typing"44"intogoogle) says "44" is a "happy number". who knew numbers could be happy? i knew "1" was lonely, "2" was company and "3" was magic or something but beyond that I never would have said "44" was a "happy" number. best number is clearly "9" anyway.

so yeah "44" is happy.

this means the secret message hidden in this video is "I'M HAPPY ZOMG". cheers britney. good for you.

but i've figured out she's mainly happy because barack obama is the 44th president of the u.s.a (and who wouldn't be? the man is literally amazing. literally).

today is also black friday. this has nothing to do with black people, but why not just go with it.

more black empowerment FTW.