truths: God loves snogging statues

before we begin, having a crush on a statue is normal. here's a picture of the statue i fancy.

he's on a war memorial and i walk past him every day that i walk into work. we never speak because he's busy looking after a small child. and he's a statue. easily the best looking statue on the memorial. apart from the angel but they have no bits so they're only good for a snog. anyway my point is; it's ok to fancy statues.

just like Madonna in the 'like a prayer' video.

Madonna - Like A Prayer [Video]
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ok so the first indication that none of what follows is real is when Madonna falls over. this never EVER happens. as a being who had a whole fucking arm, let alone a hand, in the creation of the world, Her falling over is a mathematical impossibility.

second clue is when She opens the door to let Herself into church. all churches are Hers and their doors automatically open when ever she shows up. it's not a courtesy thing or anything, it just happens.

this crying statue is pretty accurate though because She can cause anything to cry. these people are faggy wimps but i totally understand where they're coming from.

She brings the statue to life only to be abandoned by the ungrateful fuck. what can we deduce from this? that:

a) the statue has no 'junk' in manner of a ken doll

b) the statue is just not that into Her

c) the statue is gay

WRONG bottom feeder. none of the above. here's why:

a) WRONG beacue a cock simply appears for Her whenever she wants one.

b) WRONG because no such creature exists

c) WRONG because you are hung up on labels

the idea that a knife could penetrate Her skin without permission is actually insane. besides they are not Her hands. look how slutty they are, they're obviously lindsay lohan's hands after she dropped her and sam's spike-dildo 3000. i wonder how that lez is doing in the slammer. i imagine its like bad girls meets mean girls; so it would be like mad girls. whatever, she's knee fucking deep in minge. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

the choir spring from Her mind. this is why they are cool. it has nothing to do with the fact that they're black.

the woman who gets murdered in the back alley is actually a human grown from the nasal tissue of barbara streisand. those guys are fag puritans who worship babs through daily screenings of 'funny girl'

She didn't take any action to save this weird genetically engineered curio because She knew it survived. here's a recent picture.

She then goes to hang out with the choir and snogs the statue. that's nice. and just like that new christopher nolan film starring the bloke from titanic who now resembles bacon, the whole thing is revealed to be a dream. i know, sort of lame - HAHA SHUT UP ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S AMAZING.

if you're still not convinced about Her having created pretty much everything - i refer you to this.

Amen.

TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

happy new year BUT beyonce has the best video

ok so beyonce's video for 'single ladies (put a ring on it)' got voted the best music video of the decade by muzo.tv (which you can visit HERE). and as it's the last post of 2009, it had to be done.

DONTLOOKATBEYONCE

beyonce is fit andyoudefinitelywould. dont care if you like willies or fannies or if you're into cakefarts (i certainly am). beyonce would own you. OWN YOU and your arms and your mum.

ok ok. i'm getting carried away. she's just a woman right?

um. no. here's 6 definitions of beyonce. sponsored by vicewanker cliffe.

1) god. - this may or may not be true. ask richard dawkins. maybe ask him to perform his own parody of the single ladies video a la justin timberlake and countless others.

just picture the atheist supremo gyrating gloriously like m. knowles at 0:54. (or don't. i definitely don't want to). wikiepedia based research backs me up.

time took to scroll down gods wiki= 6 seconds

time took to scroll down beyonce's wiki= 10 seconds.

BOOM

2) jesus. - related to god and said by some to be god incarnate. ALSO said to be black by a lot of folk so you know. jesus was black; he totally got crucified but t

hen totally came back. and then was never seen again but was rumoured to return. and beyonce is black! so you see the evidence is all there. but you cant crucify beyonce. she's immortal.

oh and jesus totally used to do the rhythmic bum slap thing (2:40) with judas and peter all the fucking time.

3) the holy trinity. - beyonce is into threesomes. just look at this video. three women: one concept. the concept being: the father, son and holy ghost 'aint got NOTHING on me, friend.

4) allah. - well no one knows what allah really looks like do they? who's to say it's not beyonce? my friend (who is not muslim) has a copy of the koran and i dont know about you but it'd be a darn bit more interesting if this was on the cover:

6) the devil. - highly unlikely. though there is something about beyonce that is slightly evil. like making little gay men dead confused about their own sexualities.

if you have any further questions then direct them to google. this is what i got when i typed "is beyonce" into the searchbox:

is beyonce pregnant = 1,820,000 results

is beyonce a devil worshipper = 58,100 results

is beyonce a freemason = 567,000 results

is beyonce married = 3,370,000 results

is beyonce dead = 24,100,000 results

is beyonce a christian = 10,900,000 results

is beyonce black = 41,000,000 results

is beyonce evil = 3,350,000 results

is beyonce possessed = 96,100 results

is beyonce's hair real = 10,200,000 results

gawd it was goodlots to write the name of god 10 times. not so good however was the fact that there are 41,000,000 results questioning whether beyonce knowles is black.

someone needs to sort that.

happy new year folks!

introducing spear theory, lamedating and "44"

here is britney spears new video for 'One Two Three'. it's all about numbers. this is important information. have a care and remember.

if britney's new video was a personals ad on some lame dating website like match.com or gaydar.co.uk

(maybe it'd be on fitlads.net; but then, WHO'D go on there? ehhhhhh?) it would probably read something like this:

blonde with newly improved hair, likes to shake ass against all white backgrounds in order to ignore camera for no reason.

can wear slutty clothes without being an ACTUAL slut because ACTUAL sluts don't have their own fragrance. (0:02)

enjoys walks down hollywood boulevard with a starbucks decaf ketamine latte, no cream.

did not used to be crazy and/or bald. ever.

keep getting messages from user: jokerfacecakefart asking me to be in a video with her. do not want to do a bigweird video with that nose! GET THE MESSAGE!

not interested in anyone called kevin. or going to vegas.

cheers!

i wouldn't message back, but place your bets that psycho maryqueen chris crocker doing so. go on, make love happen.

VOM.

thankfully it's not a dating video. so now it's time to get theoretical about the hidden messages buried deep in the subconscious of mz b.spears. time for some:

spear theory: britney touches her hair 44 times in this video. yes. 44 times. not only is that fun; it also means something. some hidden knowledge that should probably be accompanied by the noise that occurs at 0:15 in this medical awareness campaign against listeria.

so what does it mean?

well my superior C grade gsce in mathematics (also known as: typing"44"intogoogle) says "44" is a "happy number". who knew numbers could be happy? i knew "1" was lonely, "2" was company and "3" was magic or something but beyond that I never would have said "44" was a "happy" number. best number is clearly "9" anyway.

so yeah "44" is happy.

this means the secret message hidden in this video is "I'M HAPPY ZOMG". cheers britney. good for you.

but i've figured out she's mainly happy because barack obama is the 44th president of the u.s.a (and who wouldn't be? the man is literally amazing. literally).

today is also black friday. this has nothing to do with black people, but why not just go with it.

more black empowerment FTW.

happy thanksgiving (with female black empowerment)

now here's how it's done. a big nice fucking confusing 90s video. with black empowered females getting filmed doing shit and pointing at the camera a lot.

sort of wish they weren't dressed in so much leather; it's like they're prostitutes. but real highly paid ones who will sing for you before they cram your penis in their mouths. (note: i don't condone penis going into mouth. i just really like madonna. NOT BEING GAY FTW)

i dont know much about en vogue. just that this video is batshit crazy. and they do a cool arm movement when ever they say 'don't let go'. that makes the singing more importantandmeaningful obviously.

that's the thing about these ladies. they're backing up what they say with ACTUAL ACTIONS. it's almost as if they mean what they're saying eh? i mean so many people don't do that these days. like that crybaby leona. or general douchebagfolks. HAVE A CARE!

lot of hair flicks here too. my favourite is just at 3:44. actually no. complete lie. that one IS good. the best hair flick is by the main bitch at about 3:52. she could kill you with that hair flick. its got the power of black liberation AND female empancipation wrapped in it's deadly follicles.

the hair flick is so amazing, it finishes this song. and makes that loser in the front row who's obviously been messing en vogue around feel really bad. like he's just done a smell-tastic shit in his pantaloons.

cheers for that en vogue. let's get jubilant. oh and happy thanks giving.

ps - this video gotreviewedbecausesiobhanaskedmetoo. BOLD BIRTHDAY