lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.

having emotions versus. having good hair? no contest

i had an emotion once. it wasn't particularly amazing. it went like this:

"zomgfuckingloveEDWARDCULLENhecouldPENISinjectMEwheneverHELIKES!!!"

or maybe that belonged to some girl who wears weird outfits and likes twlight far too much (TEAM JACOB FTW). whatever. the point is: emotions suck. don't have them. make pop videos instead.

here's a list of the emotions that appear in cheryl cole's new video [watch it here] for '3 words':

............................................................................................................................................................................... .................................. .................................................

yep. that's all of them. a huge vacant canvas of awesome. clock cole's geordie mug at 0:17. she's either fallen into a box of danni minogue's botox needles or she's smacked up on wham bars. either way, ain't nothing going on behind those eyes.

also: split screen initially seems like a shit idea, then becomes a good idea after watching this video. except when that backing dancer of fergie's rears his silly face. why doesn't he just leave?

so cheryl and the backing dancer dude are lying around in some weird room which is probably what churches will look like in about 100 years. all stained glass windows and people lying around fucked on whatever opiates are available. wearing bed sheets because nuclear winter STILL isn't over.

ah that's what this video is. it's a futuristic wedding ceremony!

Dear [insert futuristic lame name here]

You are kind of/maybe invited to the post-nuclear winter interlocking ceremony of cheryl clone 324 and that bloke who used to dance with a reformed meth addict back in the 21st century.

there will be no food as all crops are null and void thanks to michelle mcmanus.

but there will be plenty of mood elevators for you to inject into your pasty radiation ravaged bottoms.

rsvp

ps - don't actually come. because we're dead inside and only care about clothes and robots these days.

that's what the invitation would look like i reckon.

so there's lots of cheryl doing her nice bighair thing. and lots of people writhing around looking soooo recently out of art school it HURTS. all very original so far, right?

WRONG.

at 1:45 it cheryl morphs into beyonce all of a sudden. and only beyonce can be beyonce cheryl. except when she's being sasha fierce or...whatever. LOOK to the left (to the left, beyonce in some metal in a box to the left). whilst not a direct rip, i'd say cheryl has clearly been sourcing knowles for inspiration.

despite all this, swanning about the place like a 24th century version of cleopatra is a pretty good look for cole. it's almost as if she's saying "who or what ARE girls aloud?" who indeed cheryl, whoooo indeeed.

2:31 is very swish. cole now has ice blonde hair and sits on this concept seat like a big space witch out to suck somebody's soul. got to love a bitch in a frock with scheming plan. always.

to conclude this video has no emotions and is the better for it. it may be the best video i've talked about. but it's got that bloke in sooooooooooooooo how's aboot: no.

ps - it's also world aids day. so you know, get clever and wear condoms!

cheryl has layers or the many outfits of miss tweedy-cole

remember cheryl cole pre x-factor judge fame? no neither do we. what was she doing before this? being the geordie contingent of a rip-rollicking electro-pop girl group who are ok to like (according to popjustice) obviousssssly. she made her name on a reality tv talent contest and now she PRESENTS a reality tv talent contest? jeezy creezy. why isn't michelle mcmanus a judge yet? or steve brookstein? i guess they were just too busy and important to take part in such trifling things as the x-factor. no one watches it anyway. its fucking shit.*

what 'our cheryl' was not doing was releasing solo singles. this video is a pretty good example of why. regardez:

Fight for This Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs

cheryl cole (nee tweedy) is no longer cheryl cole. she is simply "cheryl" pioneer of young pop hopefuls everywhere. such an inspiration, such a national treasure, such a peoples princess. she is not two dimensional and over-produced. at all.

we're treated to 5 different versions of cheryl:

1) chav cheryl

2) lady gaga cheryl

3) commander cheryl

4) bit goth cheryl

5) slutty cheryl

1) chav cheryl is clearly an homage to her salad days of yore. when she bestrode the northeast like a much more violent and small version of the angel of the north. wearing her pajama pants (leopard print) and a vest she's just pinched from primark and performing a very poor dance routine which is like britney when she's done too much ket at a certain award ceremony.ahem. that said though she does have a bit of a gang thing going on. we'd rather be in danni's gang any day but WHATEVER. 3/5

2) lady gaga cheryl barely makes an appearence but she's there. all unoriginal and completely copied from the joker face's video debut 'just dance'. the only thing cheryl's stylist (i know, we couldn't believe it either) has done differently is put a red snood thing on 'our chezza! LOL ZOMG'. this snood motif appears later on as a tiger print sort of thing. like she's just murdered and skinned a disco tiger. 1/5

3) commander cheryl is probably the most successfully engineered version of 'our cheryl'. all big shoulders, skinny black legs and tilted hats. it does rob the holy one of her biggest asset: that thing she does with her hair when it's all big. surely with her new loreal commercial campaign she should be trying to plug her follicles more than ever?

4/5

4) goth cheryl now this is just confusing. lets not pretend that cheryl even knows or cares about the plight of goth yoof across the country. chavs are the natural enemy of the goth so for her to imitate it badly is just sore. its not proper goth, all shagging in graveyards and impaling yourself on the burning cross of your true loves favourite dark rosary. but it is a lot of black leather and big metal spikes jutting out of her corset. perhaps this should be relabeled 'chastity belt' cheryl? eitherway 2/5

5) slutty cheryl is exactly what it says on the cum-spattered keyboard. suggestive knickers pointing down to her 'private' parts. its not overly slutty though. remember she's meant to be an inspiration for the nations daughters and future female impersonators. 3/5.

to conclude. this video is number one. and its not that good. but x-factor is on in three hours anyway ZOMG LOL!!!!

*i fucking love the x-factor