dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.

VICE travel WANKER

in keeping with the gun toting theme of the last post here's a non-music video for you to watch for a change.

that's taken from the VICE guide to travel. it's pretty grim; i'm glad VICE went and i don't have to.

in case you didn't notice this is a VICEwanker post i'm doing because i got told to do so. but i segue way-ed into it pretty slick with the whole gun related thing. i thought:

"liberia has guns. the rihanna video featured guns. why not do a segue way?"

having watched all the episodes available on VBS.TV i was pretty freaked out by liberia. i didn't even know the place existed. it's not my fault though, i write a blog. i cant be expected to actually keep up with all the shit that happens in the universe/world.

and it's tough to imagine a place less shitandawful than liberia. maybe haiti (DONATEFOOLS). but hey at least it's a conversation starter at the next party i don't get invited to:

whiteboyME - 'so have you seen that thing i posted about liberia? it's grim'

whiteboyOTHER - 'naw i'm busy with my raving right now[continuousWHITEnoise]'

watch the rest of the series. it only gets worse. but that's the beauty of the internet. you can observe the weird and gross without even having to leave yourprecious macbook (which i bet is totally white).

rihanna needs you!

let's imagine an alternative universe where pop stars are not just insecure types with an excessive need to sing/dance infront of us so we can validate them by buying their music/copying their dance moves etc.

lezpretend that they're, i dunno, in government or something. i mean no ones ever put a celebrity in government before, right america?

oops.

so yes. in this alternative universe loadsofstuff can happen. guys ARE allowed to shag other guys, family fortunes IS always what you expect it to be, you will get that hoody that you lost in the club on monday BACK. and rihanna is actually in charge of the armed forces.

rallying the troops rihanna is sortof chanelling that other cool black bird, grace jones here 0:09. only less insane? possibly more? nah, no one is further removed from reality than grace jones. think about it.

that said though, the little pussy straightboy inside of me is slightly threatened by rihanna's displays of feminine dominance. (defo the bit where she holds the gun @ 1:25). she's doing the lot: crotch grabbing, crotch thrusting, crotchcrotchCROTCH.

i'm not going to say much about that spiky shoulder thing she's wearing. other than her eye-make up is a bit like KISS. no?

rolling around in mud must be like, totally empowering for women, right?

if you don't want to see who possibly put up some of the cashcash for this video, don't pause at 2:09. i wonder if they provided her with the cool hat. i want.

rihanna would have had no trouble taking helmand province at all. especially in a PINK TANK (2:30). and what is her hat? is this alternative universe marine battalion owned by DISNEY or something? fuck me hard i hope so.

then there's some bit with some bloke doing a rap or something. NOT RIHANNA = GIVE A SHIT?

in conclusion, this is boss.

ps - rihanna would totally take her pink tank army to haiti to help out. MAYBZDOSAME?