truths: God loves snogging statues

before we begin, having a crush on a statue is normal. here's a picture of the statue i fancy.

he's on a war memorial and i walk past him every day that i walk into work. we never speak because he's busy looking after a small child. and he's a statue. easily the best looking statue on the memorial. apart from the angel but they have no bits so they're only good for a snog. anyway my point is; it's ok to fancy statues.

just like Madonna in the 'like a prayer' video.

Madonna - Like A Prayer [Video]
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ok so the first indication that none of what follows is real is when Madonna falls over. this never EVER happens. as a being who had a whole fucking arm, let alone a hand, in the creation of the world, Her falling over is a mathematical impossibility.

second clue is when She opens the door to let Herself into church. all churches are Hers and their doors automatically open when ever she shows up. it's not a courtesy thing or anything, it just happens.

this crying statue is pretty accurate though because She can cause anything to cry. these people are faggy wimps but i totally understand where they're coming from.

She brings the statue to life only to be abandoned by the ungrateful fuck. what can we deduce from this? that:

a) the statue has no 'junk' in manner of a ken doll

b) the statue is just not that into Her

c) the statue is gay

WRONG bottom feeder. none of the above. here's why:

a) WRONG beacue a cock simply appears for Her whenever she wants one.

b) WRONG because no such creature exists

c) WRONG because you are hung up on labels

the idea that a knife could penetrate Her skin without permission is actually insane. besides they are not Her hands. look how slutty they are, they're obviously lindsay lohan's hands after she dropped her and sam's spike-dildo 3000. i wonder how that lez is doing in the slammer. i imagine its like bad girls meets mean girls; so it would be like mad girls. whatever, she's knee fucking deep in minge. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

the choir spring from Her mind. this is why they are cool. it has nothing to do with the fact that they're black.

the woman who gets murdered in the back alley is actually a human grown from the nasal tissue of barbara streisand. those guys are fag puritans who worship babs through daily screenings of 'funny girl'

She didn't take any action to save this weird genetically engineered curio because She knew it survived. here's a recent picture.

She then goes to hang out with the choir and snogs the statue. that's nice. and just like that new christopher nolan film starring the bloke from titanic who now resembles bacon, the whole thing is revealed to be a dream. i know, sort of lame - HAHA SHUT UP ARE YOU KIDDING? IT'S AMAZING.

if you're still not convinced about Her having created pretty much everything - i refer you to this.

Amen.

KATE BUSH IS COMING HOME

this is kate bush supporting england from 1978. couldn't be arsed with three lions.

COME ON ENGLAND

happy new year BUT beyonce has the best video

ok so beyonce's video for 'single ladies (put a ring on it)' got voted the best music video of the decade by muzo.tv (which you can visit HERE). and as it's the last post of 2009, it had to be done.

DONTLOOKATBEYONCE

beyonce is fit andyoudefinitelywould. dont care if you like willies or fannies or if you're into cakefarts (i certainly am). beyonce would own you. OWN YOU and your arms and your mum.

ok ok. i'm getting carried away. she's just a woman right?

um. no. here's 6 definitions of beyonce. sponsored by vicewanker cliffe.

1) god. - this may or may not be true. ask richard dawkins. maybe ask him to perform his own parody of the single ladies video a la justin timberlake and countless others.

just picture the atheist supremo gyrating gloriously like m. knowles at 0:54. (or don't. i definitely don't want to). wikiepedia based research backs me up.

time took to scroll down gods wiki= 6 seconds

time took to scroll down beyonce's wiki= 10 seconds.

BOOM

2) jesus. - related to god and said by some to be god incarnate. ALSO said to be black by a lot of folk so you know. jesus was black; he totally got crucified but t

hen totally came back. and then was never seen again but was rumoured to return. and beyonce is black! so you see the evidence is all there. but you cant crucify beyonce. she's immortal.

oh and jesus totally used to do the rhythmic bum slap thing (2:40) with judas and peter all the fucking time.

3) the holy trinity. - beyonce is into threesomes. just look at this video. three women: one concept. the concept being: the father, son and holy ghost 'aint got NOTHING on me, friend.

4) allah. - well no one knows what allah really looks like do they? who's to say it's not beyonce? my friend (who is not muslim) has a copy of the koran and i dont know about you but it'd be a darn bit more interesting if this was on the cover:

6) the devil. - highly unlikely. though there is something about beyonce that is slightly evil. like making little gay men dead confused about their own sexualities.

if you have any further questions then direct them to google. this is what i got when i typed "is beyonce" into the searchbox:

is beyonce pregnant = 1,820,000 results

is beyonce a devil worshipper = 58,100 results

is beyonce a freemason = 567,000 results

is beyonce married = 3,370,000 results

is beyonce dead = 24,100,000 results

is beyonce a christian = 10,900,000 results

is beyonce black = 41,000,000 results

is beyonce evil = 3,350,000 results

is beyonce possessed = 96,100 results

is beyonce's hair real = 10,200,000 results

gawd it was goodlots to write the name of god 10 times. not so good however was the fact that there are 41,000,000 results questioning whether beyonce knowles is black.

someone needs to sort that.

happy new year folks!