questions: who is the real christina aguilera?

no i'm not going to talk about the incident. we let it happen so there's only ourselves to blame. but then again we're also to blame for cool stuff like refrigeration and birth control so BUCK UP piss worm, all is not lost.

christina aguilera may be lame right now but she wasn't always so pathetic. was she?

EVIDENCE

candyman

anything 40s/50s is a hot ticket right now so yeah. she should get back to this shit. just look at how much fun she's having. she's having so much fun it's made this guy lose his mind.

is campari even nice? i don't care if they sponsor amazing shit like this. "christina" has had a few too many by the looks of this

and look, rosie the riveter. feminists get a major-league hard one for this woman. and so do i. i want her to work my land. or something. we didn't even have rosie in england did we? whatever. she looks good and is ideologically sound.

notice anything funny about the ending? DATS RIOGHT: it wasn't made by christina. this was some chick called "candy".

fighter

click dis

some luminary i used to go to school with said of this video: "she's turned into a PYAH goth". and i agree. starting off imprisoned in some glass box which is eventually smashed, "christina" hump backs her way around a big cave thing. looking a bit like a rubber-loving-witchity-goth crossed with tim burton's wet dream by way of the micky mouse club? whatever. this is a long departure from genie in a bottle.

she breaks out of the goth phase and gets all blonde with her goddess powers or something. but she's got moths flying around her. moths? really christina? is that really what you want to be deity to? MOTHS? fine have it your way, i would have chosen the butterfly but that's boring. but a MOTH? that you set on fire? i really hope the moth was not set on fire. imagine being immolated purely because "christina aguilera" was your god? fuck i'm glad i'm not a moth.

now comes some black widow phase or something. she's wearing red so i guess it's a bit empowering but then she does a lame "break the fourth wall" thing at the end kicking a hole in the screen. it didn't work for sex and the city (seasons 1&2), so it's definitely not going to work for gothmog dunder-crap in this, OK? lame

dirty

yep. THAT video. the artist was given full creative control over this which suggests that this is the real "christina". if you were choosing a video to embody the real you, would you choose 'dirrty'? really? that second r has been EARrNED.

so we have what some interview describes as a "post-apocalyptic orgy". there's foxy boxing between "christina" and some masked douche (maybe it's britney spears?). then a shower of filth that would shame a sewer. that's filth, not sex. sex is fun. getting dirty can BE fun but only if you clean up afterwards. no one has cleaned up here. no one. you can smell it. christina can definitely smell it here:

are you one to crotch watch? (that comes c/o sazbags & egg) LOOK OUT! THERE SHE BLOWS!

ah then they do get showers. showers in what looks like a urinal. is that an all female shower? no. check out the tranny on the right. "christina" could be shitting on them right now.

so the real "christina" is actually a smelly ho. or is she?

TILL NEXT TIME

and yes: i learnt how to do screen grabs

lessons: trapezes improve any given situation

ok i didn't get the diana vickers thing when she was around on x-factor a billion years ago. i don't even think i was watching x-factor that year. i remember she was slated a bit for some clawed hand habit and she was meant to be shagging that little ginger one who looked about 10.

she's ditched him and got herself a music video. that is definitely the way to break up with someone. that or like THIS.

'once' by diana vickers

here's some facts about the video for 'once':

1) there is no plot what so ever

2) its got bits in it that are cheryl cole influenced

3) there's a trapeze (!!!)

okay.

1) for a first video you don't really need a plot. you're not fucking kate bush. so well done. diana wears different outfits and dances or just postures in front of some woefully underpaid backing dancers. (they could be anyone. they could be you. but you cant wear a suit.)

you realise as you watch this video that d-ickers either fears her head falling off (maybe that gingerchaun put a gypo curse on her for dumping him) or she just loves touching her head. 38 times. and when she's not touching her own bonce she's grabbing other peoples (2:04). maybe she's trying to nick his ears. an anagram of diana vickers IS "diva nicks ear" so what i'm saying is definitely true.

2) particularly the bit when d-ickers is wearing that dead cuddly animal hoody (0:49). it's almost a direct imitation of the bit in the 'fight for this love' video when our cheryl is wearing a dead disco tiger. see.

d-cikers definitely did it better than cole hole.

3) FINALLY a trapeze! is that even the right term? what ever. it's there and d-ickers is on it. here's a theory about trapezes: they improve ANYTHING.

want to make an entrance? you descend from a trapeze.

want to make an exit? you ascend on a trapeze.

want to make sure everyone notices you at a party? GLIDE OVER THEM ON A TRAPEZE.

if the leaders debates (vice has done something on them here. don't look. it's probably reactionary roobish) have taught us nothing, it's that politics is fucking boring television. cam, clegg and brown standing motionless at a podium? BORING.

cam, clegg and brown all descending to the stage on a trapeze? AMAZING LOADS.

given, it's ladies who really work trapezes to their advantage. like d-ickers who manages to appear simultaneously vulnerable and evil whilst on hers. its something about the way she uses it as a swing like a girl in a kids playground who lures paedophiles to their genital mutilating demise.

WELL DONE DIANA: the people's ponce exterminator.

also my mate sniff got off with her in school apparently. playa.

vote KELIS in on the 6th of may

so whilst christina aguilera is jumping on the 'i'm a robot from the future!' pop bandwagon that's already been crashed by lady gaga, kelis has taken a...um...different direction. the lib dems by the looks of things. lots of yellow

ignoring the future as much as possible the video for 'acapella' features wolves, bright colours, A HEADDRESS, and a baby.

so it's exactly like the video for milkshake!

when you think about it kelis is just like rihanna but older, harder and with grills.

so that headdress is pretty good. pretty stylish. they only look good on women though. like grace jones or karen o.

when gays wear them it's just shit and depressing. queens are cool but with no one to rule over you're just a loser with a bad choice of hat.

'acapella' looks like it was shot in the olden days. bit grainy. BUT WHEN IS IT OUT IN 3D KELIS?!

there's an election soon apparently so you have to go register to vote or you're a douche. here's some shit VICE are doing on it. if the tories win then they might bring back hunting which would be good for kelis as she hunts for geese or whatever @ 0:50.

if kelis was in the running for government i'd probably vote for her, mainly through fear. better than nick clegg. she rocks yellow more than he does @ 2:15.

frankly it's a bit rich that a black woman is allowed to paint herself all these fabulous colours and not get called racist. i think she's being politically incorrect wouldn't you say nick griffin?

such a babe.

she's like a slutty butterfly @ 2:15. a SLUTTERFLY one might say. are slutterflies just butterflies with bigger jugs and blonder hair?

now the end is odd because she just turns around and there's a baby on her back. it may be her son, it may be one of madonna's. eitherway it's there. fair and square.

whatever happened to the merry old days of when a popstar could just make a video about drinking dairy products?

TO THE YARD

much better.

VICE STYLE & lagerfeld bat their lashes

ok so the people at VICE want everyone to all go and look at VICESTYLE. it's an alright website, full of pretty pictures of people in alright clothes. some people get their jugs out. untill i see some guys getting their butts out i really dont care but i live in hope. they also sent me a cool photo of the best person in fashion. LOOK

i enjoy him a lot. imagine if he was your local librarian?

ok so i enjoy this video too:

BAT FOR LASHES - DANIEL

not because it's got my name in, i just think it's a cool song. the video is, not so.

she's in a hoody with her own band's name on it? i hope she paid for that. she certainly didn't pay these art students dressed in balloons enough. they're not even interpreting what they're doing. they're just beating the shit out of her. seriously, it's like leigh bowry (rubber suit wearing gay. dead now) called forth some fashion demons who weren't arty or fashiony, just annoying.

it's like some people from boombox (club night. dead now. i think, i don't live in london) or a vice style party are attacking a london rude gurl. she's strong though. so art school it hurts.

i swear these douches were pinched from a patrick wolf gig or something.

i guess this is what all the kids who went to boombox are doing now. that or rioting at american apparel. (seriously what was the big guffawing fuss about? i like bright colours too but i'd rather eat an orange and watch over the rainbow than go jumping around brick lane fighting off vacuum packed jean clad douches for a pair of spangly long johns. i already own a pair of american app long johns. they're purple and i didn't have to get into a fight to get them. CHILL OUT).

basically just go out, wear decent clothes, dance to stuff, avoid people wearing balloons, go look at VICE (especially you) and remember: if in doubt, act like karl lagerfeld.

st patrick's day lesson: how b*witched created ireland

gather round ye wee folk and i shall teel thee of the creation of oirlend.

the lord our god sent down four angels and he said they shall be clad entirely in denim. even denim cowboy hats yes! for they would face struggles and hardship the likes of which had not been seen! so they needed something durable to wear that was also funky. and fresh

yes they will come from space from a planet made entirely of gypsies and circus folk. they will also yank the tail of that wily bastard shit SATAN (3:10) for they are better than him. they do not paint themselves red with evil, they wear denim and dance the formation dance!

And lo the four founders of ireland set foot on the earth, which was not very good at the time (there was no ireland!) there was only a lot of grass and shoite lioke dat. the earth was empty of most things apart from animals. yet the pixie wisdom of our angels was strong. so they ventured forth into the jungle

and they didn't converse with the animals exactly they sort of just stood near them. and there they danced the dance of the irish (2:30) it was this dance that led the beasts of the field towards ireland.

CATASTROPHE STRUCK THEN

the founders of ireland fell under the spell of a douchebag snake, who drugged them so they fell asleep. he was called geoff and he looked likeTHIS

yet in that dreamful sleep they did dream the dream of ireland

twas a beautiful dream: one full of skies clear as de sea. in this dream there was beautiful forests wherein dwelt pixie folk laughing and clinking together small metal maraccas. our fearless founders then sailed out of the dream in a small boat.

ONLY TO AWAKEN TO A BIGGER BOAT and some questionable clothes. yet remember it was not their fault as they were in a world full of water and good clothes (denim) are hard to find

they still had not attained the dream of ireland because the world was very wet and one cannot build a country on wet. it was in this time though that they found a very wet dog (2:20). he would be dry once the dream of ireland was achieved!

yet lo they found a little piece of civilization and could begin to build the world anew.

AND BUILD IT THEY DID

yes the four had constructed a world full of trains and fake tan (1:20). and whilst this was ok for the liokes of sum it was not what the angels had been sent to do. they had forgotton the dream of ioreland.

OR HAD THEY? no! in dancing the dance of the irish they managed to get on the train to.....

THE PROMISED LAND! THE PLACE THAT WOULD BE THE HOME OF GUINNES AND SHAMROCKAS AND DE BLARNY STONE!

dats rioght!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

lessons: some shit just works

yeah i wish i could write some bullshit theory around this video.

but it's literally just stuff happening. and it's amazing. probably the most amazing thing i've seen this week. and i've seen lady gaga.

lessons: mariah carey is the bestest communist

mariah carey jelly time!

red is kind of a theme. i think it's time to get freudy.

red is the colour of a lot of things appaz. here's a handy list:

- sex

- wine

- communism

- pain

- periods

- liverpool football club

obviously in this video mariah is making a very clever comment on stuff that is red. but mainly she's trying to tell us something about communism. duh.

i live with a communist. she doesn't wear a lot of red but when she does you know she's only doing it to be communist about something. the same is obviously troo of mariah cakes.

there she is, doing away with money @0:47 because from now on we should all share. because she's dressed as a sexy nurse here, she represents a sexy health service. which don't need money. just mariah.

the several sentences (watch them, they're red too. some are white but whatever. mariah carey is "black" but whatever) that flash up throughout are bits of the communist manifesto translated for the facebook generation.

"another mechanic under my hood" - come work on my car comrade! i'll derilicte your balls

"you wont see me for free" - because everything is shared now, even my bootay!

"up out my face" - leave me alone, prole

"break" - break free from the shackles of capitalism!

"ha ha ha ha ha" - ha ha ha ha in your face capitalism!

"up out my face" - seriously prole just step off

"im out of here" - woops, looks like communism doesn't actually work! LATERZ

marx, what a gimp.

@1:35 mariah marx bre

aks out of her barbie box and in so doing, smashes her capitalistic prison. (idonthaveanenglishlitessaytodohonest)

that woman with mariah marx is so fucking annoying i cant even begin. GET THEE TO A GULAG ho.

yeah then there's a big bit at the end where people are having a revolution. with a brass band. totally communist by the by. they are in red afterall.

to conclude, mariah carey = better, richer and blacker than marx&engels put together. haw haw. now say capitalism doesn't work you beardy twats.

i do like a communist party though right?

next time: nietzsche meets cascada - the ubermensch triumph in 'evacuate the dancefloor'

ps - cheryl finally got rid of gashly! now she can go slag it about round toon. cannot wait