Monday, 26 October 2009

the black eyed peas 'gotta feeling' about prostitution

up for some prostitution promoting product placement? (note: the answer is always 'YES'. its capitalised because it has extra oomph) time to look at the black eyed peas 'Gotta Feeling' video:

hollywood blvd people, it's where it all happens. it's where celebrities come to dance with the little people. where the ghosts of monroe, sinatra and that other guy who died last year but doesn't have a star on the pavement in front of that scary chinese theatre (do they still actually use that?), where THOSE ghosts haunt the nightclubs where one can shake their bootay, snort their charlay and have a 'hot' (thanks paris hilton) time doing it.

also, there's lots of hookers. hookers to the left, hookers to the right, hookers down below. CHAA. toooooo slow.

now this video is reminiscent of those 90s films where a tough talking, ball breaking yet surprisingly inwardly elegant girl is seen selling her wares on the streets of the big city. (note: the big city is well bad for girls like that. though never THAT bad, i mean they don't get raped or anything realistic like that).

look at fergie. she is clearly THAT girl from the 90s film. whilst her prozzy friends are already out doing 'hard' work. fergie (the glamourous prostitute destined for better things) is still preparing herself to venture out into the big, bad and utterly sex mad city. DON'T GO FERGIE! YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT!

then it's clips of some dudes singing. i know they're also in the BEP but they're just ferg's backing singers right? they mainly seem to be there for flagrant product placement purposes. "This touchphone is soooo great" one can almost hear the guy with the bad hair cry "it's certainly not a rip off an iPhone!" (Note: if anybody reading this wants an iPhone. you can buy them here:

so all these dudes are getting ready, and so is fergie. are they renting her out? oh no. maybe one of them will rescue her from the moll flanders for the noughties hell she is currently living in?

in short: no.

instead everyone goes to a very brightly lit house and dances at the camera. whilst drinking and cavorting. still could be an orgy full of poor yet good looking hookers. fergie is dressed like a dominatrix, the other females haven't dressed at all and all the men are fully clothed. is this what all parties on hollywood blvd are like? monroe would never approve. nor would she pretend to be a lesbian, that's right fergie, i'm looking at you.

more product placement with some horrid flowery laptop. who takes a laptop to an orgy really?

further more: who brings neon paint to an orgy? is it some sort of branding system so you know which girl belongs to whom? it sure seems that way. all the women have large man-sized neon handprints slapped on their thighs. all the men have sinister neon glasses painted on their sex-mad eyes. eyes to thighs and hands to pants. who knew prostitution could make things rhyme so well???

there's also clips of more ladies lezzing off for the mens gratification and even a woman attempting to make cookies. which she drops. because she's a prostitute and there's only one thing she's good at isn't there?

to top it all off, prize douche david guetta makes an appearence. well he did produce this song after all. therefore it's only fair he participates in the lurid neon sex party. what a dope.

he's not as much of a terrible person as the concept of patriarchy though. yes, patriarchy is the real dope here. huray for feminism eh ferg? FOR SHAME.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

the yacht of untruth or why nobody wants to play with taio

ever wandered about the manic, depraved and scintillating sex lives of the rich and not that famous? step aboard Taio Cruz's yacht of debauchery and expensive eye-wear.

now this is progressive and refreshing isn't it? firstly its interracial and even better than that: they're both swingers.

and they're being honest with each other about the fact they might break one another's hearts. how sweet. nobody does that type of thing these days. it's all "yeah i love you and i'll love only you from now till the day i die in a speed-boating accident" and greetings cards and poems. what utter balls.

but wait! taio cruz and his unnamed two dimensional speedboat loving girlfriend are the pioneers for the "he's just not that into you" generation. they're honest and upfront about the entire charade of a relationship they're about to perform.

or are they????

you see, despite all this talk of "i'm going to break your heart ho" and "am gawna fuck your best buddy playa" it soon becomes clear that they shall do nothing of the sort. what lies. what deceit. what sheer cowardice. they talk the talk my friends, but do they walk the fucking walk?

they do A walk to a yacht full of painfully unmemorable extras. the purpose of which would appear to demonstrate our protagonists infidelity toward one another. except that nobody on this yacht seems interested in doing so.

there is talking and dancing which is pretty standard at a party, right? maybe they do things differently at sea.

eitherway, taio and nameless lady clearly aren't going to fuck anyone on this yacht. maybe they smell bad or something. instead they decide to go whizzing across the high seas on a very wide speed boat. it is girth that counts after all. no wonder nameless lady seems so pleased.

well that was disappointing. taio and whatsherface claim they're all fuck loose and fanny free but in reality they'd just go for a nice drive. on the sea. goes to show you can have as many yachts and sunglasses as you like but it still wont get you laid.

Monday, 19 October 2009

dont tell robbie you like take that

are you ready for some for some overblown production values everyone? because robbie williams is. here's the new video for his 'comeback' single: Bodies. ominous much?

that's right, he's off the drugs so he can afford to have a helicopter pan over some american mountains for no good reason other than 'it looks panoramic man'. but wait, hasn't he left America now? isn't this his comeback song? back into the arms of good old blighty? apparently not.

he's out there in the wilderness man. he's OUT THERE. doesn't give a flying fuck about civilisation. he's wild, man. he's real, man. he's a reformed drug/sex/gay/swing/bobby dazzler addict, man. that said he still does need to shave. but its cool because he's using his harley's wing mirror. he's about to set off on the 'road', man. jack kerouac would heart this.

so now that robbie has shaved away his grizzly fake stubble where can he go?


but he does remember his helmet. smart lad.

robbie soon tires of the bike and instead opts to stride the barren landscape like a lame mountain lion who's not had a successful single out for four years. once you've wrestled with addiction a walk in the desert must seem like...well a walk in the desert.

Ah hitchhiking. the last resort for people who randomly walk around deserts with no mobile phone. which begs the question: why was robbie out there in the first place? did he go to find himself? or perhaps he went on a huge bender and woke up dazed and bestubbled next to a harley. on loan from jack kerouac.

lord knows what he says to the lady in the blue car. probably something along the lines of "Ah little woman, fret not. I shall take the wheel now so that your poor and fragile hands remain uncalloused. all the better to prepare my lines of cocaine" come on. we were all thinking it.

split screen is well shit.

the romance continues with robbie and desert bint in-front of a fire canoodling and talking (presumably) about the life and stuff, man. and the people you meet on 'the road'. i'm sure this young woman's father would not approve of his little girl sitting in front of a fire in the presence of a self confessed sex addict. that's one road you never want to be on. you'd take the train.

dawn breaks and desert bint is nowhere to be seen. nothing like a bit of murder to start the day eh robbie? what made you do it? WHY ROBBIE WHY? oh the sheer humanity. just because she likes Take That's latest album doesn't mean she deserves rape and murder! You were a member once too robbie, remember? remember the good old days??

clearly he doesn't. murderous bastard. and he's going to get away with it too. by stealing a plane. oh wait no he's just going to dance on the plane. might as well dance on the poor take that fans makeshift desert grave.

well there you have it kids. robbie is back. and he's coming to kill you, man.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Female empowerment with gays!

ok so i do a weird job where i sit and analyse tv ads all day. they're dead boring. but music videos are not.

first up is previous X-Factor "winner" alexandra burke's video for her single "Bad Boys". let's take a look.

so we open on poor alexandra who's car has broken down in nefarious part of whatever city she's in. it could be london. or la. who knows? with her jet set lifestyle it could be anywhere. it could be in a studio for all we know. WE JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
her car has broken down and there are men appearing out of the shadows circling closer and closer to perform god only knows what crime. she is dressed very provocatively. it's whiffing of rape if you ask roman polanski but no that's not fair; alexandra has gone through puberty and she's black so she probably wouldn't be romans type. and alley rape isn't his thing really is it?

so alex has abandoned her car. she's got red shoes and leather, who needs a clapped out old banger like that? despite the potential rapists currently surrounding her she seems pretty chilled out (how?! I hear you heckle. especially in all that fucking leather). ah that's why. all the men are gay! gays don't like raping women. not in a "rape-rape" way anyway. they just try and hog all the attention by dancing around alexandra. some of them do try and touch her but it's apparent their hearts are not really in it.

the action moves into a bar. a gay bar by the looks of things. full of blokes dancing in vests and shooting pool before they all go on to the orgy in the cellar below. i knew i'd seen this place somewhere before. it's all a bit reminiscent of the opening of terminator one and two. except arnie has been replaced by alexandra who has inexplicably now developed superhuman strength. demonstrating her unholy female empowerment by throwing two unsuspecting fags through the bar. one can almost hear them jizzing their panties in awe of this feminine dominance. gays, for future reference LOVE strong females. helps if they're black sometimes too.

whilst burke is kicking ass (for no reason, as we know they're not going to rape her) in the bar, her friend flo-rida remains stoically outside in the cold. like a real man. not a prancing, vest-wearing pansy poof ("Hey Rida, didn't you cover that You Spin Me Right Round song by that gay from merseyside? Yeah thought so.") whilst flo is rapping about the stuff he usually raps about he is rudely interrupted by a little gay being thrown through a wall by personified empowerment power house of absolute power alexandra. he doesn't say it but we all know he's thinking it "OH NAW SHE DINT'" all black people think in ghetto talk. except alexandra. who is far too powerful now to even bother thinking. she just WILLS things and they occur. after dancing under a bridge for a bit she then grows tired of her homo-minions and stops their hearts with a click of a well manicured finger. alex then walks off, possibly to assume power over the known universe.

how boring though. i'm well going to go steal her red car.