Thursday, 26 November 2009

introducing spear theory, lamedating and "44"

here is britney spears new video for 'One Two Three'. it's all about numbers. this is important information. have a care and remember.

if britney's new video was a personals ad on some lame dating website like or

(maybe it'd be on; but then, WHO'D go on there? ehhhhhh?) it would probably read something like this:

blonde with newly improved hair, likes to shake ass against all white backgrounds in order to ignore camera for no reason.

can wear slutty clothes without being an ACTUAL slut because ACTUAL sluts don't have their own fragrance. (0:02)

enjoys walks down hollywood boulevard with a starbucks decaf ketamine latte, no cream.

did not used to be crazy and/or bald. ever.

keep getting messages from user: jokerfacecakefart asking me to be in a video with her. do not want to do a bigweird video with that nose! GET THE MESSAGE!

not interested in anyone called kevin. or going to vegas.


i wouldn't message back, but place your bets that psycho maryqueen chris crocker doing so. go on, make love happen.


thankfully it's not a dating video. so now it's time to get theoretical about the hidden messages buried deep in the subconscious of mz b.spears. time for some:

spear theory: britney touches her hair 44 times in this video. yes. 44 times. not only is that fun; it also means something. some hidden knowledge that should probably be accompanied by the noise that occurs at 0:15 in this medical awareness campaign against listeria.

so what does it mean?

well my superior C grade gsce in mathematics (also known as: typing"44"intogoogle) says "44" is a "happy number". who knew numbers could be happy? i knew "1" was lonely, "2" was company and "3" was magic or something but beyond that I never would have said "44" was a "happy" number. best number is clearly "9" anyway.

so yeah "44" is happy.

this means the secret message hidden in this video is "I'M HAPPY ZOMG". cheers britney. good for you.

but i've figured out she's mainly happy because barack obama is the 44th president of the u.s.a (and who wouldn't be? the man is literally amazing. literally).

today is also black friday. this has nothing to do with black people, but why not just go with it.

more black empowerment FTW.

happy thanksgiving (with female black empowerment)

now here's how it's done. a big nice fucking confusing 90s video. with black empowered females getting filmed doing shit and pointing at the camera a lot.

sort of wish they weren't dressed in so much leather; it's like they're prostitutes. but real highly paid ones who will sing for you before they cram your penis in their mouths. (note: i don't condone penis going into mouth. i just really like madonna. NOT BEING GAY FTW)

i dont know much about en vogue. just that this video is batshit crazy. and they do a cool arm movement when ever they say 'don't let go'. that makes the singing more importantandmeaningful obviously.

that's the thing about these ladies. they're backing up what they say with ACTUAL ACTIONS. it's almost as if they mean what they're saying eh? i mean so many people don't do that these days. like that crybaby leona. or general douchebagfolks. HAVE A CARE!

lot of hair flicks here too. my favourite is just at 3:44. actually no. complete lie. that one IS good. the best hair flick is by the main bitch at about 3:52. she could kill you with that hair flick. its got the power of black liberation AND female empancipation wrapped in it's deadly follicles.

the hair flick is so amazing, it finishes this song. and makes that loser in the front row who's obviously been messing en vogue around feel really bad. like he's just done a smell-tastic shit in his pantaloons.

cheers for that en vogue. let's get jubilant. oh and happy thanks giving.

ps - this video gotreviewedbecausesiobhanaskedmetoo. BOLD BIRTHDAY

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

is leona happy? CAPITAL NO

yeah this leona chick won x-factor or something. here's her new video: here.

she's got a lot of emotions this woman.

there she is feeling a wedding dress and looking mopey. does she want to get married? or not? make your mind up leona, we havn't got all day. we have to get you to a book punching/signing.

(note: whilst we're on the subject of punching leona lewis, my only question is WHY? has there ever been anyone less offensive or controversial than leona fucking lewis??? see! even that sentence looks weird because you never associate leona with fucking anything! least of all the word 'fuck'. i was just about to illustrate my point with a cursory look at her status updates on facebook all of which i imagined would look something like this:

Leona is at home

Leona is not at home

Leona is at mum's house

Leona is going to bed

but what i found was better than all that. she doesn't say anything. her page is one of those lamoshitty famous person pages where the star in question contributes nothing. as is "her" twitter. LOOK!

maybe this is why she got punched? because she's so unpresent or whatever. unpresent people DO indeed suck. fuck all unpresent people. except fritzl, he can be unpresent if he wants.)

so she's in sarejevo or wherever just hanging out and being leona. probably STILL going on about how she won the x-factor. bet all her friends are sick of hearing that. IT'S ALL ABOUT JEDWARD NOW BITCH! (although not really coztheygotvotedoff. irish)

there's an odd bit at 1:34 where she's in a car having 'a laugh' again. it's almost exactly like that "dont drug and drive" advert where everyones got massive pill eyes. except this is a leona lewis video and drugs do NOT exist. GOT THAT?!!! NO FUCKING DRUGS!!! OR FUCKING!!! just leona lewis and x-factor. (do you know she won? a few years back yeah. amazingly talented that girl.)

oooh poor leona though. the dude she wants to hold hands with in the church is actually marrying some other slag. and not leona. what a shitty thing to do eh?! i mean, don't hold hands in the church with someone if you don't want to fuck them up the arse lots and maybe be bumchums for a bit. was never cool. never will be cool. there's today's lesson folks.

oh yeah and if you see leona; give the old bird some punch. not a punch.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

what's worse than 2012? or "we all make mistakes"

something terrible has happened. something so unutterably unthinkable and dispiriting that it will inevitably have little gayz crying into their vivienne westwood hankerchiefs with unadulterated joy.

people with sense will just despair. forever and ever untill the apocalypse in 2012; which will seem like a walk in the park once you've watched this video.

you see boys and girls. everyone makes mistakes. you make them when you listen to the twilight soundtrack and imagine vampires are real. i make them when i snog boys because i forget that boys are meant to snog GIRLS; that is the circle of life i cannot fuck with. thank you mufasa. your parents make them when they buy you mighty max toy when you wanted a polly pocket instead. we all make mistakes.

this list of people who make mistakes now sadly includes: BEYONCE. (i know, i know. but relax. all is not lost). yes beyonce has made a mistake. and that mistake is shaped like lady gaga.

beyonce's new video for 'Video Phone' features joker face herself smearing her dodgy image/smell close to one who simply does not deserve it. beyonce: WE FEEL FOR YOU.

beyonce feat. jokerface: 'video phone' : here

it all begins slightly like a stripper version of resevoir dogs. beyonce heads up a gaggle of suited and snooty guys prowling slow-mo through some bullshit warehouse/dock area. if you pause at 0:42 you can clearly

see bey flanked by none other than mcnulty and bunk from the wire. (note: if you haven't yet watched the wire...[looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong pause])

so clearly this is sasha fierce right? that's beyonce's slaggy alter ego for shoor. (noteagain: whilst we're on that subject, why does she need a fucking alter ego? who is she? spiderman?! you can be sexy AND sweet you know? or gay and straight. or whatever the fuck you want. all of this can be achieved without developing scizhophrenia. GAWWWWD)

and there's our first mistake. some bloke with a camera for a head. right there at 0:47. quod the fuck. quod the ACTUAL fuck? it's so budget it makes us wonder if this video was directed by roman polanski. all of his videos are shit and really budget. because he blows all the money you give him on champagne and quaaludes.

it's just a huge shit storm from here on in folks. strap yourself in.

at 1:12: you know how when beyongay was in that girl band. what were they called again? mystique? anyway. when she was with them it was essentially her and two backing dancers/singers, right? then she did the inevitable and had a solo career. then did a few videos where it was her and two backing dancers? yeah well now she's gone to the next level. its just her and two other versions of herself. in what my nan would describe as "dead shitty outfits".

then the camera man who's filming this starts having epilepsy. or something.

then beyonce has guns. and she's shooting them. but they're like, retarded rubbish guns that you used to get as a kid from the pound shop. where is roman polanski when you need him to stop raping children??!

yeah then jokerface herself rocks up at 2:26. looking extra cheap and nassssty. which ever one of beyonce's people thought it was a good idea to have her guest in this video really needs to go get one of those cheapo guns shoved up their back passage.

something deeply disturbing happens at 2:56. do you remember when beyonce got into a bit of trouble for posing for vanity fair magazine? and it was said she'd had her skin digitally lightened to look more white. it looks like somebody is up to their old tricks. SHE'S LIKE A WIGGED UP CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST! look!

what follows can only be described as "cack". beyonce and jokerface proceed to do a synchronized chair dance. which is just, plain pooandroobish. then some clips of beyonce shooting one of those budgetguns on a motorcycle. HOW WEIRD AND OUT THERE and WACKY. spare me.

i'm really sorry you watched that. i'm sorry i watched it. let's watch a GOOD beyonce feat. a decent artist in a video with actual production values that haven't been squandered by a child rapist shall we?


there. much better.

Friday, 13 November 2009

the 10th post or why shakira is better than you

ok boys and girls. the time has come to review shakira's she-wolf.

something fucking fantastically sexualandamazing

five good/amazing/painfully erection inducing things about the 'she-wolf' video

1) shakira

2) shakira's clothes

3) shakira's dancing

4) shakira's empowerment

5) shakira's inspiring of the 'he-wolf' video.

1) shakira - just look at her. go on. LOOK at shakira. she's in front of the full moon. looking coyly at the camera. looking threateningly at the camera. looking sexily at the camera. her acting skills are just unparalleled. at 1:52 onwards (when she is dancing in a crowd full of people) her acting skills are SO good that she blurs out the faces of all around her. plus she's colombian.

2) shakira's clothes - she has three outfits in this video. one which comes right at the end (which is not getting discussed because it's a shit part of the video so WHATEVER).

first: the asymmetrical leotard that has clearly been borrowed from another huge popstar. we'll call her yemonce (with a little accent on the 'e'. still. we 'aint naming names). it suits our shakira though. it's almost as if she's not wearing clothes!

until you see outfit number 2: the body condom. this again looks like something that old bird britney spears wore in the toxic video. only britney's had diamonds scattered all over it. that's the problem with hand-me-downs i suppose. it still works though; showing shakira to be young woman of substance, chastity and something else. it doesn't encourage people to masturbate AT ALL. save the spermatic economy from recession folks! DON'T MASTURBATE!

3) shakira's dancing - standing at the divide between good and bad/slavery and freedom/ contortionism and lotslots of yoga. it just makes no sense. and its brilliant. lots of pelvic hip thrusts, jerky movements, odd body popping and sticking her fingers in her mouth (this will seduce you). the bit in the cage deserves a nobel prize for being fucking amazing.

4) shakira's empowerment - it may appear that to say a woman dancing provocatively in a cage is sexist or misogynistic. this is a falsehood. because it is not 'shakirashakira' the person in the cage; it is shakira the she-wolf or 'loba' as one would say in spanish. besides that cage is pretty roomy. big enough to get all those arms and legs aslingin'. quit bitchin' feminism.

5) shakira's inspiring of the 'he-'wolf' video - just watch it:

yeah. my work here is done.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

the tragic fate of stefani gaga or APPLEaReEVIL

she's so normal that stefani germanotta. so v. down to earth. don't you think? despite garnering worldwide musical fame and stardom she still manages to keep a level head and not get carried away by her own image/hype.

in the video for 'bad romance' however it seems an evil bastardman has been DRUGGING (yes, actual naughty drugs) poor stef and making her do things she wouldn't normally do. ever.

opening on an immobile stefani it is quite clear she has been tranquilised. possibly through the evil black iPod sitting the left of her. we knew steve jobs would have a hand in this exploitation. after all, 'Apple' is the fruit that tempted eve. and what was coiled around the 'Apple' tree? that's right boys and girls: SATAN.

next we see that other bastion of pain and darkness masquerading as light: the tanning salon. this one looks extra evil too. its made everyone look like the ku klux klan with new outfits designed by karl lagerfeld. see. they do much more than give you the badcancer.

she may look like she's dancing; but on the inside stef is screaming "LET ME GO YOU NAZI EVILPERSONS!" why wont anyone help her?

now she's being given alcohol. the devil's naughtyjuice ladies und gents. it'll make you lose your morals. and in stef's case: her clothes.

see stefani's eyes at 1:25 everybody? that right there is called C-O-C-A-I-N-E. or maybe it's ecstasy? all you need to know is that it's bad folks. when that boy in da club offers you some mysterious white powder to whack up your nostrilz, beckoning you into a cubicle infront of the amiable toilet attendant, remember 1:25 of this video. remember little stefi, and reconsider what you're about to sniff.

sadly. not everyone has the luxury of choice you have. certainly not little stefani germanotta.

they've dressed her in a chandelier and made her do a "sexy" stripper dance. and as we all know; the sexiest thing you can do in life is pray to jesus and ask him to help you stop thinking about kissing boys. yeah. you pray to jesus.

the cruelty continues at 3:44. they've slaughtered stefani's pet polarr bear nathaniel!!! how could they?! unutterable bastardos. and she's wearing him like a rug/coat/robeofevilsatanpower. and she doesn't even realise. oh the ursinity!

now they're about to make stef do something she will regret. namely be in the same room as a man with a golden chin-guard.

oh stef what have they done to you? she's incinerating the room. that particular drug is called darkdevilpowerpowder or "twiglets" for short. (remember to hide twiglets from your young. send them to me instead)

what have we learnt here today?

1) stay away from tanning salons

2) and cocaine

3) and never EVER wear anything designed by karl lagerfeld again. for fear of racial discrimination.

ine lovinge memorie ofe stefani germanooter


Tuesday, 10 November 2009

anybody who spells their name with a dollar sign: LOSES

here is a song from person who is (apparently) friends with katy perry. it's called TiK tOk:

some questions for the day:

1) ok but who is this?

2) where has she crawled from?

3) why is she number six in the uk charts?

she is kesha apparently. a bit like uffy only...not. from what we gather in this video she seems to really like sleeping in baths. like really. she starts the video off in a bath; ends it in a bath. always with one shoe off. so clearly she is a form of bath vampire only able to frolic lots if she gets a full nights kip in the tub.

that's two of our questions answered then. she is kesha and she crawled from YOUR BATH.

she is not number six because of this video. here's why.

so she sleeps in baths with only one shoe. ok. is that even her house? we v.much doubt it. she's probably been taking drugs and "getting wrecked". tsk. what would emmeline pankhurst say?

kesha then encounters a very strait-laced family. this is cool because she's clearly a wreckdouche and they're into jesus and rules. WOW. feel the divide in that room. that's where the comedy comes from kids. (note: this has never been done before). and she made mom drop the pancakes. dont hate her jesusfolk - she knows not what she does!!!!!ZOMG

so not only is keshadouche a pancake smasher she's got v.funny taste in bikes. big gold number. and now she's talking to children. and taking their boombox. what an utter thundercunt. we reckon she could afford her own boombox if she actually stopped living like a gypo and ditched the whole sleep in a bath with one shoe on malarky.

she's going to suck off the 118 boy in the car isn't she? maybe not.

right: if this cow is so hardcore why doesn't she kick moustache man out and drive herself? because she's on drugs REMEMBER! god.

ah she's made it to the club. well done love. clearly on far too much ketamine though right? oh maybe it's not a club. maybe it's an illegal rave. sorry did we say "illegal" we meant "genericandnotinanywayinteresting".


there we have it folks. you've seen the future and it's ke$ha. (note: that is actually how you spell her name)

Monday, 9 November 2009

black eyed PURLEASE

for their new video 'Meet me Halfway' fergie and friends (minions) have gone interstellar. watch out skywalker.

opening on a road that sits beneath the starriest sky EVA the camera then zooms into the stratosphere to focus on fergie ferg doing a princess leia routine on some forest planet.

she's a bit sexy. but where are all the ewoks? they never reappeared in the star wars franchise after return of the jedi you know. something suspish there. george lucas (or the irish) have something to do with it. they are both magic and evil.

after ferg has done her sexy alien forest nymph thing we get backing singer number 1 (jeff? cyril? lewis? we don't know) doing some weird shaman voodoo kabbala shit in a desert. he kind of looks like a sand person! 0:35 and this picture:

you know what im talking about.

why is he spinning round?

1) he's magic

2) he's evil

3) he's both

we say 3. both. clearly an interplanetary stalker, hell bent on grafting his boomboompow into ferg's ladylumps. scary bastard.

ooh ferg is being all objectified in space. nice one ferg; taking misogyny to the stars.

here's stalker/backing singer number 2. we think the video credits him as the elephant man so that's the one we're going with. space elephants. now there's a concept. like actual elephants weren't enough. these ones are from SPACE. all the better to stalk with. maybe its a robot elephant with a radar in its capacious bottom? oh no. the radar is in stalker 2's hands.

these stalkers mean business don't they? what does fergie have betwixt her legs? the plans for the third death star?

oh hang on. there's now some douche astronaut flying far too close to the sun. REMEMBER ICARUS YOU BOOB! he's never going to get fergie's goodies.

now this is surreal. mirrored spinning geometric shapes have appeared. that's right folks, if you want to fuck up your life touch spinning geometric shapes.

for what happens when you do such a thing? by the looks of things you transform into an astroid and hurtle towards your nearest celestial body.

and that's really annoying. what happens when they've landed? is it in the fucking sequel or something? well fuck that. im going to watch new moon instead. ZOMG

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

should have gone to morrisons OR blundering buble and the supermarket of DOOM

first of all, did anyone else know michael buble looked like that? it was a pleasant surprise for us too.

and so. to mike's new video for "Haven't met you Yet"

mike is shopping and being bored. hurling pizzas and ready meals for one into his shuffling shopping trolley of singledom. we've all been there.

to shake things up a bit he starts sitting on a shelf which is fine with the staff of killarney market. sounds irish. first sign of danger there. you know what the irish are like, just look at louis walsh. DE BLARRRRNEY STOOOOONE.

so once mike is done sitting on a shelf he encounters a v.attractive lady in the frozen foods section. how shoddy. she should be making all her dinner from scratch in preparation for when she's a neat little housewife surely? no. her purpose is much darker and sinister than mike can know.

evidently this bitch cares naught for trifling things such as rules and social etiquette; she starts walking on the fucking shelves. with mike. STAY AWAY MIKE! she's leading you down a slippery slope of irish devilry; a place where people dance in supermarkets. all so wrong.

this "super"market is staffed, by the way, with breakdancers posing as shelf-stackers. why are they here? why aren't they auditioning for step up 3: the subway? (a film that REALLY needs to get made. hop to it spielberg).

it all gets a bit supermarket creep from 1:50 onwards. mike floats on a bed with that brazen irish tart. he then floats around in a phone box. then has a marching band appear in aisle 4. its witchcraft if you ask us. irish druidic weird shit voodoo. WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE DANCING? shopping is not, nor never should be this entertaining. one dreads to think what dark power they're about to invoke. it wouldn't be that surprising if mike was happily placed into a gigantic wicker statue of louis walsh and set aflame. still singing; still unaware of his oncoming frazzley demise.


it was all a fucking dream. phew. what utter relief.

as mike leaves this shopping hell of nightmares he sees the very woman with whom he danced a voodoo jig. he decides to not say hello and go home. this is all a bit like final destination where the main character is saved from a grisly end by a premonition.

thank your lucky stars bublay. go to morrisons next time.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

cheryl has layers or the many outfits of miss tweedy-cole

remember cheryl cole pre x-factor judge fame? no neither do we. what was she doing before this? being the geordie contingent of a rip-rollicking electro-pop girl group who are ok to like (according to popjustice) obviousssssly. she made her name on a reality tv talent contest and now she PRESENTS a reality tv talent contest? jeezy creezy. why isn't michelle mcmanus a judge yet? or steve brookstein? i guess they were just too busy and important to take part in such trifling things as the x-factor. no one watches it anyway. its fucking shit.*

what 'our cheryl' was not doing was releasing solo singles. this video is a pretty good example of why. regardez:

Fight for This Love

cheryl cole (nee tweedy) is no longer cheryl cole. she is simply "cheryl" pioneer of young pop hopefuls everywhere. such an inspiration, such a national treasure, such a peoples princess. she is not two dimensional and over-produced. at all.

we're treated to 5 different versions of cheryl:

1) chav cheryl

2) lady gaga cheryl

3) commander cheryl

4) bit goth cheryl

5) slutty cheryl

1) chav cheryl is clearly an homage to her salad days of yore. when she bestrode the northeast like a much more violent and small version of the angel of the north. wearing her pajama pants (leopard print) and a vest she's just pinched from primark and performing a very poor dance routine which is like britney when she's done too much ket at a certain award ceremony.ahem. that said though she does have a bit of a gang thing going on. we'd rather be in danni's gang any day but WHATEVER. 3/5

2) lady gaga cheryl barely makes an appearence but she's there. all unoriginal and completely copied from the joker face's video debut 'just dance'. the only thing cheryl's stylist (i know, we couldn't believe it either) has done differently is put a red snood thing on 'our chezza! LOL ZOMG'. this snood motif appears later on as a tiger print sort of thing. like she's just murdered and skinned a disco tiger. 1/5

3) commander cheryl is probably the most successfully engineered version of 'our cheryl'. all big shoulders, skinny black legs and tilted hats. it does rob the holy one of her biggest asset: that thing she does with her hair when it's all big. surely with her new loreal commercial campaign she should be trying to plug her follicles more than ever?


4) goth cheryl now this is just confusing. lets not pretend that cheryl even knows or cares about the plight of goth yoof across the country. chavs are the natural enemy of the goth so for her to imitate it badly is just sore. its not proper goth, all shagging in graveyards and impaling yourself on the burning cross of your true loves favourite dark rosary. but it is a lot of black leather and big metal spikes jutting out of her corset. perhaps this should be relabeled 'chastity belt' cheryl? eitherway 2/5

5) slutty cheryl is exactly what it says on the cum-spattered keyboard. suggestive knickers pointing down to her 'private' parts. its not overly slutty though. remember she's meant to be an inspiration for the nations daughters and future female impersonators. 3/5.

to conclude. this video is number one. and its not that good. but x-factor is on in three hours anyway ZOMG LOL!!!!

*i fucking love the x-factor