Wednesday, 24 February 2010

lessons: mariah carey is the bestest communist

mariah carey jelly time!

red is kind of a theme. i think it's time to get freudy.

red is the colour of a lot of things appaz. here's a handy list:

- sex

- wine

- communism

- pain

- periods

- liverpool football club

obviously in this video mariah is making a very clever comment on stuff that is red. but mainly she's trying to tell us something about communism. duh.

i live with a communist. she doesn't wear a lot of red but when she does you know she's only doing it to be communist about something. the same is obviously troo of mariah cakes.

there she is, doing away with money @0:47 because from now on we should all share. because she's dressed as a sexy nurse here, she represents a sexy health service. which don't need money. just mariah.

the several sentences (watch them, they're red too. some are white but whatever. mariah carey is "black" but whatever) that flash up throughout are bits of the communist manifesto translated for the facebook generation.

"another mechanic under my hood" - come work on my car comrade! i'll derilicte your balls

"you wont see me for free" - because everything is shared now, even my bootay!

"up out my face" - leave me alone, prole

"break" - break free from the shackles of capitalism!

"ha ha ha ha ha" - ha ha ha ha in your face capitalism!

"up out my face" - seriously prole just step off

"im out of here" - woops, looks like communism doesn't actually work! LATERZ

marx, what a gimp.

@1:35 mariah marx bre

aks out of her barbie box and in so doing, smashes her capitalistic prison. (idonthaveanenglishlitessaytodohonest)

that woman with mariah marx is so fucking annoying i cant even begin. GET THEE TO A GULAG ho.

yeah then there's a big bit at the end where people are having a revolution. with a brass band. totally communist by the by. they are in red afterall.

to conclude, mariah carey = better, richer and blacker than marx&engels put together. haw haw. now say capitalism doesn't work you beardy twats.

i do like a communist party though right?

next time: nietzsche meets cascada - the ubermensch triumph in 'evacuate the dancefloor'

ps - cheryl finally got rid of gashly! now she can go slag it about round toon. cannot wait

Thursday, 18 February 2010

dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.

Monday, 8 February 2010


this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?


it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.