Sunday, 27 December 2009

happy new year BUT beyonce has the best video

ok so beyonce's video for 'single ladies (put a ring on it)' got voted the best music video of the decade by (which you can visit HERE). and as it's the last post of 2009, it had to be done.


beyonce is fit andyoudefinitelywould. dont care if you like willies or fannies or if you're into cakefarts (i certainly am). beyonce would own you. OWN YOU and your arms and your mum.

ok ok. i'm getting carried away. she's just a woman right?

um. no. here's 6 definitions of beyonce. sponsored by vicewanker cliffe.

1) god. - this may or may not be true. ask richard dawkins. maybe ask him to perform his own parody of the single ladies video a la justin timberlake and countless others.

just picture the atheist supremo gyrating gloriously like m. knowles at 0:54. (or don't. i definitely don't want to). wikiepedia based research backs me up.

time took to scroll down gods wiki= 6 seconds

time took to scroll down beyonce's wiki= 10 seconds.


2) jesus. - related to god and said by some to be god incarnate. ALSO said to be black by a lot of folk so you know. jesus was black; he totally got crucified but t

hen totally came back. and then was never seen again but was rumoured to return. and beyonce is black! so you see the evidence is all there. but you cant crucify beyonce. she's immortal.

oh and jesus totally used to do the rhythmic bum slap thing (2:40) with judas and peter all the fucking time.

3) the holy trinity. - beyonce is into threesomes. just look at this video. three women: one concept. the concept being: the father, son and holy ghost 'aint got NOTHING on me, friend.

4) allah. - well no one knows what allah really looks like do they? who's to say it's not beyonce? my friend (who is not muslim) has a copy of the koran and i dont know about you but it'd be a darn bit more interesting if this was on the cover:

6) the devil. - highly unlikely. though there is something about beyonce that is slightly evil. like making little gay men dead confused about their own sexualities.

if you have any further questions then direct them to google. this is what i got when i typed "is beyonce" into the searchbox:

is beyonce pregnant = 1,820,000 results

is beyonce a devil worshipper = 58,100 results

is beyonce a freemason = 567,000 results

is beyonce married = 3,370,000 results

is beyonce dead = 24,100,000 results

is beyonce a christian = 10,900,000 results

is beyonce black = 41,000,000 results

is beyonce evil = 3,350,000 results

is beyonce possessed = 96,100 results

is beyonce's hair real = 10,200,000 results

gawd it was goodlots to write the name of god 10 times. not so good however was the fact that there are 41,000,000 results questioning whether beyonce knowles is black.

someone needs to sort that.

happy new year folks!

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

lessons: george harrison IS/WAS the best beatle

we're still in the 80s. we're still "doing that" so all of the noobs who want to flick themselves off to robert pattinson and bellawhatsherface can still go "do that". we're doing this. and this, is george harrison and it's fucking brilliant.

say what you like about the beatles; i've just come back from america and FUCK ME HARD they like to talk about the beatles. so they frequently say what they like about them. everyone does no doubt. apart from douches who say "i'm not um...really into the beatles"

people like that exist. it's not a pretty universe after all.

BUT WAIT. yes it is. because:

people who don't like the beatles = people who are not actually people.

they're shit demons like that thing from dogma. yeah like this.

sticking with the maths ("it's the same in every language") let's do a question.

if gupta has four venereal diseases and only remembers putting his dong-a-long into three ladies, what song should he be listening to?

sensible answer - gofuckyourselfyoucrazyshitbag


we all know george was the best beatle. he wrote 'here comes the sun' for fucks sake. some facts about george harrison include:

1) he did a load of eastern stuff. and eastern stuff is SO HOT RIGHT NOW. and he did it back then. clearly a forward thinking man.

2) he worked with madonna on a film with sean penn. (the film totally bombed and he said he hated madonna but you know, a lot of people say that and don't mean it, right?)

3) he is dead

4) he doesn't do the dance at 2:00 in this video. but we can all imagine that he does. yesyesyes.

seriously, where is the need in this dance? sitting in a study with moving objects (foreshadowing that winegums advert much? LOOK.

that's weird enough. but to have a dance smacked up in the middle of this sweetdream(beautifulnightmare)? where has the logic gone? who ate all the logic? etc. etc.

the 80s ate the logic, that's who. @3:33 they have a squirrel or something playing a smoking pipe. i'm sure there's a theory behind why that makes perfect sense. but for now, i'm just going to put it down to people being on drugs. DRUGS FUCK YOU UP. but good music, right?

to cap it all off and warm folk up for winter, i suggest watching THIS WARMING SONG.

it's full of old rockers doing that big end of the 70s vibe where they're not in groups any more and are into promoting their solo shit. which is never as good. but you know, KARMA AND ALL THAT.

merry christmas

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

lessons: tina turner videos will GENUINELY improve your life

you know every so often how something totally amazing and supercool happens?

like when madonna says she's divorcing guy ritchie. or when cadbury's finally decide to bring back wispa gold. when you get sent to new york for the first time since you popped out of the ladygarden or when you lose your brand new iphone in a club because you're too "happy", only to discover its been picked up by a flock of angels disguised as uni students who then offer to return it to you.

yeah. amazing shit happens occasionally.

just like when tina turner made the video for 'private dancer' in 1991.


some have theorised turner's power lies in her hair (a la samson), others say it's in her legs but i'd guess it's probably her mouth.

look at it throughout this practically unparalleled triumph in 80s weirdness. (i know it's '91 so not technically BORN in the 80s. but it's clearly made by people who are still on a truckload of hallucinogens AND amphetamines. and calvin harris is doucheturd. except when he's producing.)

turner's mouth is where the magic happens. it's so fucking powerful she decides to not even put lipstick on (0:09). she's not in need of lipstick. it would only hinder the sheer brilliance that is to come.

if we're going to try and make some sort of sense of this insanity (and unless you just overdosed on wham bars, you're going to have no sense worth having) here's some sense:

sensible narrative- tina is some prozzy who is so tired of this old game that she doesn't even need to dance with people anymore. she just swishes through, hair the size of a small country and mouth a-sneering at the slags around her. she wants OUT OF THIS DAMN BINGO HALL.

christmas cracker crazy narrative - at 0:52 tina enters a dream/drug/descent into insanity sequence which looks eerily like that cool bit from Labyrinth with david bowie. ironic really because tina (with that hair) is looking oddly like jareth the goblin king. extra shoulder pads equal extraamazingpointsLOADS.

in this otherworld of sweetmimes and beautifuldouchebags tina is basically accosted by varying oddballs in fancy dress. it's particularly boss when tophat-wanker douses her with glitterspunk (1:15) and she legs it because she don't need that shit. we've all been there.

we've all been danced at by little gay sailors too. what's their deal? are they just gay because of being on a ship with a bunch of boys? so they're not really gay. not "gay-gay" as someone black and called whoopi might say. either way, tina 'aint having none of that fucking bullshit. that sailor can go have furtive wank behind the bike sheds of the HMS Pinafore with some blotchy bloke called LeeO. orgasm currency FAIL.

the wackiness continues. all the while tina's mouth is working brilliantly. a masterclass in aquiline ferocity. (sidenote: she's a massive buddhist too. yeah totally into that prayer wheel sing-song shit. watch her work dem chants 'ERE)

but the drugs are about to wear off. tina is pelted with roses and applauded by the coterie of weirdos/fags/circus folk. only to awaken from her reverie back in the bingo hall. where she suddenly remembers she's forgot to watch something important (clue: it's x-factor).

i enjoyed that. i hope you did too.

ciao (imgoingtonewyorkZOMG)

ps - are you a MARS or a SNICKERS?

NEVER TRUST someone who answers "bounty".

Friday, 4 December 2009

strictly come dancing on ice in the 80s or lick the tortoise

you know what's better than 90s videos?

80s videos. cue inevitable facebookgeneration response of "noooo dickhead, we're over our ironic appreciation of a previous decade. we like TWLIGHT now? and twitter"

alright folks. but the 80s is still deadgoodloads right? actually that's not even going to be a question. truefact. in. your. pretty. face.

apart from this song being ten thousand breeds of amazing, this video (like most stuff from the decade) is batshit crazy. say hello to 'Art of Noise - Moments in Love'.

six oddballs are sitting around watching dolly parton (0:54) and a chap with a fine profile (0:58) ice skate.

is this some fucked-up competition, whereby dolly and her dude must skate for survival? maybe.

so now one of the "judges" has a bit of a headache and then experiences a vision (alice fromtwilight style FTW) of a boy about to suck face with a tortoise.

back to the skate and blokeinmask has either just eaten a watermelon or he wants to molest dolly parton-

right. hold. the. bigfuckingmobilephone.

watch carefully from 1:30 and prepare for a glimpse of just how many drugs people were on during the 1980s. at 1:34 you will see what i mean.

tortoise. in a dress. ICESKATING.

a cursory look at the making of this video states the tortoise is "supposed" to represent the lethargy of mainstream rock. i guess they have to say that for, you know political correctness or something.

onto 2:20 and that boy (is he on drugs too? poor lamb) is in serious danger of licking the tortoise.

at 2:40 you will see what will haunt my nightmares for the rest of the festive period. a representation "the lethargy of mainstream rock music" (OR A FUCKING FUCKED UP TURTLE MAYBZ???!) moaning into the camera.

ahhh dude with a harp makes it all better.

is this not fantastic? the judges deliver their final scores (like a really really scary nightmare version of 'strictly come dancing on ice'), then flip their cards which read "DON'T BE AFRAID". umm.

then dolly&her dude both win a golden tortoise.

because that was such an eye opener i'm only reviewing 80s videos this coming week. suggestions (especially those that include ice-skating animals and/or hair the size of a small moon) welcome.

ps - don't do this

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

let's buy some of DEM chocolate bars!

hello cool new videopost.

some preliminary reading before today's video review which was brought to my grubby attention by Chelsea. she put me onto it. here's her blog which is deadfunloadsandlots (aboutlastnight...).

watch this cadbury's advert for fairtrade, or as i like to say "barelymade".

now think for a moment. how does it make you feel? a little bit lacist?

the answer you're looking for is: YES.

it features a large TRIBAL voodoo head floating, not very conspiciously through a ghanaian village. people start to flock to the tribal head and dance beside it, chanting voodoo.

then the best bit. all the black people begin shaking their silly faces and cheer when a COCOA BEAN pings off and transforms into a chocolatecolouredman! who then begins rapping as more people dance.

because that's all black folk do you know. rap and dance. and gurn silly faces for the camera. i'm not edward said (lookitup) and i don't think i'm carrying around that much post-colonial guilt but COME ONNNNN!

it smacks of some bigmean corporation using ethnic stereotypes to peddle their stupid choccie bars. (which, by the way are utter BALLS, gor for a nestle LAD).
moving on.
this next music video is like a continuation of that ad. only everyone has taken a large amount of whatever drugs are available and decided to have an orgy.
major lazer - pon de floor

all you need to know is that the people in this house have PHAT asses and swinging gadonkadonkdonks and any other rap synonym for rude bits. my favourite is 'junk' because it can be said in a very short and succinct manner. look: "junk". plus it rhymes with spunk and we all love that right?
the same way i love this video because it's essentially a bit like lucy in the sky with diamonds only produced by missy eliot and directed by the telly tubbies. (look at 3:33 and tell me that doesn't remind you a LITTLE bit of the telly tubbies at the end where the creepy sun-baby laughs maniacally over his disturbing dominion)

oh and if anyone thinks i'm a racist you can go suck on ladygaga's pizza dick.

ps - what's up with tiger woods?

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

having emotions versus. having good hair? no contest

i had an emotion once. it wasn't particularly amazing. it went like this:


or maybe that belonged to some girl who wears weird outfits and likes twlight far too much (TEAM JACOB FTW). whatever. the point is: emotions suck. don't have them. make pop videos instead.

here's a list of the emotions that appear in cheryl cole's new video [watch it here] for '3 words':

............................................................................................................................................................................... .................................. .................................................

yep. that's all of them. a huge vacant canvas of awesome. clock cole's geordie mug at 0:17. she's either fallen into a box of danni minogue's botox needles or she's smacked up on wham bars. either way, ain't nothing going on behind those eyes.

also: split screen initially seems like a shit idea, then becomes a good idea after watching this video. except when that backing dancer of fergie's rears his silly face. why doesn't he just leave?

so cheryl and the backing dancer dude are lying around in some weird room which is probably what churches will look like in about 100 years. all stained glass windows and people lying around fucked on whatever opiates are available. wearing bed sheets because nuclear winter STILL isn't over.

ah that's what this video is. it's a futuristic wedding ceremony!

Dear [insert futuristic lame name here]

You are kind of/maybe invited to the post-nuclear winter interlocking ceremony of cheryl clone 324 and that bloke who used to dance with a reformed meth addict back in the 21st century.

there will be no food as all crops are null and void thanks to michelle mcmanus.

but there will be plenty of mood elevators for you to inject into your pasty radiation ravaged bottoms.


ps - don't actually come. because we're dead inside and only care about clothes and robots these days.

that's what the invitation would look like i reckon.

so there's lots of cheryl doing her nice bighair thing. and lots of people writhing around looking soooo recently out of art school it HURTS. all very original so far, right?


at 1:45 it cheryl morphs into beyonce all of a sudden. and only beyonce can be beyonce cheryl. except when she's being sasha fierce or...whatever. LOOK to the left (to the left, beyonce in some metal in a box to the left). whilst not a direct rip, i'd say cheryl has clearly been sourcing knowles for inspiration.

despite all this, swanning about the place like a 24th century version of cleopatra is a pretty good look for cole. it's almost as if she's saying "who or what ARE girls aloud?" who indeed cheryl, whoooo indeeed.

2:31 is very swish. cole now has ice blonde hair and sits on this concept seat like a big space witch out to suck somebody's soul. got to love a bitch in a frock with scheming plan. always.

to conclude this video has no emotions and is the better for it. it may be the best video i've talked about. but it's got that bloke in sooooooooooooooo how's aboot: no.

ps - it's also world aids day. so you know, get clever and wear condoms!

Thursday, 26 November 2009

introducing spear theory, lamedating and "44"

here is britney spears new video for 'One Two Three'. it's all about numbers. this is important information. have a care and remember.

if britney's new video was a personals ad on some lame dating website like or

(maybe it'd be on; but then, WHO'D go on there? ehhhhhh?) it would probably read something like this:

blonde with newly improved hair, likes to shake ass against all white backgrounds in order to ignore camera for no reason.

can wear slutty clothes without being an ACTUAL slut because ACTUAL sluts don't have their own fragrance. (0:02)

enjoys walks down hollywood boulevard with a starbucks decaf ketamine latte, no cream.

did not used to be crazy and/or bald. ever.

keep getting messages from user: jokerfacecakefart asking me to be in a video with her. do not want to do a bigweird video with that nose! GET THE MESSAGE!

not interested in anyone called kevin. or going to vegas.


i wouldn't message back, but place your bets that psycho maryqueen chris crocker doing so. go on, make love happen.


thankfully it's not a dating video. so now it's time to get theoretical about the hidden messages buried deep in the subconscious of mz b.spears. time for some:

spear theory: britney touches her hair 44 times in this video. yes. 44 times. not only is that fun; it also means something. some hidden knowledge that should probably be accompanied by the noise that occurs at 0:15 in this medical awareness campaign against listeria.

so what does it mean?

well my superior C grade gsce in mathematics (also known as: typing"44"intogoogle) says "44" is a "happy number". who knew numbers could be happy? i knew "1" was lonely, "2" was company and "3" was magic or something but beyond that I never would have said "44" was a "happy" number. best number is clearly "9" anyway.

so yeah "44" is happy.

this means the secret message hidden in this video is "I'M HAPPY ZOMG". cheers britney. good for you.

but i've figured out she's mainly happy because barack obama is the 44th president of the u.s.a (and who wouldn't be? the man is literally amazing. literally).

today is also black friday. this has nothing to do with black people, but why not just go with it.

more black empowerment FTW.