Wednesday, 27 January 2010

YOU WONT UNDERSTAND "iamamiwhoami"! (VICE has the answers?)

you've been planning on doing something because somebody asked you: taking out the rubbish, buying some biscuits, sucking their cock, tagging their photos on FB. or you've been asked to write something to do with a feature VICE are doing with noam chomsky (WTF?).


then something much more interesting pops up. like your unexpected/unrequieted love for someone or a pop tart. (DONTFALLINLOVEJUSTEATAPOPTART)


or the iamamiwhoami videos.



prelude 699130082.451322 - offers many things. stuff you'd usually associate with eco-whackjobs. trees. with limbs.

TREES

WITH

LIMBS.

anthropomorphism is clearly what we're all about.

then there's that odd 'birth' bit. honestly, birth meant to be that 'great' thing of beauty that people harp on about? GIVE A SHIT?! that's fucking grim.

keep your ovaries ladies, i'll stick to the ballsports.

no clue what that girl in the dark bath's deal is. maybe it's ke$ha.



9.1.13.669321018 - that girl who might be ke$ha is back. and she's licking a tree. what she thinks she's going to achieve by this is....a potent metaphor maybz? oot!!!! there's an owl.

then there's some spunk dribbling down a tree. whoever shot that needs to drink more water. dehydration is a killer kids.



9.20.19.13.5.723378 - this last one is my favourite. water water everywhere. and not a drip of piss. seriously i hate people who piss in pools. have some control! have a care!


hokkay. so what is all that about? noam chomsky may know so check out VICE's interview with him. or not. i didn't. VICEWANKERLINK.


people reckon those videos are a viral marketing campaign for......

CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

boom.

i'm not sure either but do YOU have a better idea?

Sunday, 24 January 2010

VICE travel WANKER

in keeping with the gun toting theme of the last post here's a non-music video for you to watch for a change.


that's taken from the VICE guide to travel. it's pretty grim; i'm glad VICE went and i don't have to.
in case you didn't notice this is a VICEwanker post i'm doing because i got told to do so. but i segue way-ed into it pretty slick with the whole gun related thing. i thought:

"liberia has guns. the rihanna video featured guns. why not do a segue way?"

having watched all the episodes available on VBS.TV i was pretty freaked out by liberia. i didn't even know the place existed. it's not my fault though, i write a blog. i cant be expected to actually keep up with all the shit that happens in the universe/world.

and it's tough to imagine a place less shitandawful than liberia. maybe haiti (DONATEFOOLS). but hey at least it's a conversation starter at the next party i don't get invited to:

whiteboyME - 'so have you seen that thing i posted about liberia? it's grim'
whiteboyOTHER - 'naw i'm busy with my raving right now[continuousWHITEnoise]'

watch the rest of the series. it only gets worse. but that's the beauty of the internet. you can observe the weird and gross without even having to leave yourprecious macbook (which i bet is totally white).


Thursday, 21 January 2010

rihanna needs you!




let's imagine an alternative universe where pop stars are not just insecure types with an excessive need to sing/dance infront of us so we can validate them by buying their music/copying their dance moves etc.


lezpretend that they're, i dunno, in government or something. i mean no ones ever put a celebrity in government before, right america?


oops.


so yes. in this alternative universe loadsofstuff can happen. guys ARE allowed to shag other guys, family fortunes IS always what you expect it to be, you will get that hoody that you lost in the club on monday BACK. and rihanna is actually in charge of the armed forces.



rallying the troops rihanna is sortof chanelling that other cool black bird, grace jones here 0:09. only less insane? possibly more? nah, no one is further removed from reality than grace jones. think about it.


that said though, the little pussy straightboy inside of me is slightly threatened by rihanna's displays of feminine dominance. (defo the bit where she holds the gun @ 1:25). she's doing the lot: crotch grabbing, crotch thrusting, crotchcrotchCROTCH.


i'm not going to say much about that spiky shoulder thing she's wearing. other than her eye-make up is a bit like KISS. no?


rolling around in mud must be like, totally empowering for women, right?


if you don't want to see who possibly put up some of the cashcash for this video, don't pause at 2:09. i wonder if they provided her with the cool hat. i want.


rihanna would have had no trouble taking helmand province at all. especially in a PINK TANK (2:30). and what is her hat? is this alternative universe marine battalion owned by DISNEY or something? fuck me hard i hope so.


then there's some bit with some bloke doing a rap or something. NOT RIHANNA = GIVE A SHIT?


in conclusion, this is boss.


ps - rihanna would totally take her pink tank army to haiti to help out. MAYBZDOSAME?

Friday, 15 January 2010

taylor skiwiffed & gothic doubling


do we let taylor finish?





before we begin, i really thought

taylor was wearing a t-shirt that said "junior jews" (0:12). it actually says "junior jewels" but some of the more cynical amongst us would ask:


"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?" lolzomg


setting your foul anti-semitism aside, let's talk about difference. let's talk about spotting the difference.

the differences between:


blonde taylor

&

brunette taylor


in this accidental (?) example of gothic doubling and split-personality presented in the form of swift's video for 'you belong with me'.


in that defonotmisogynist idea of the virgin & the whore as the only types of women available to mankind, blonde taylor is, as one would have guessed, the "virgin".


there she wiles away the hours in her bedroom having fits (0:52). presumably this is coz she doesn't have internet access and therfore cannot watch porn or facebook the guy she likes.


(seriously. why are they showing eachother supergay little messages on paper? is it coz they're white? why not show them texting eachother or poking each other on facebuk? is this the 50s? are they going to tell calpurnia to cook their supper DARN TOOTIN'. gawd, why is taylor so racist? is it the kanye thing? he doesn't speak for all black folk taylor. lighten up)


blonde taylor is an example of the "she's all that" girl. if you haven't seen the film.....i dunno what to suggest. basically this girl is all 'different' and stuff. she listens to female singer songwriters and ALL THE SONGS ARE ABOUT HER. ALL OF THEM. she reads too, because you know, boys are secondary to studying. learning is fun etc. etc. "fashion isn't important" and shit like that. think anne hathaway in the beginning of 'the devil wears prada'.


taylor subvertstheform a little bit here; she does like 'one special guy'. (take that to read, the obv gay guy who just "respects" ladies too much to fuck them. VOM). but she really "gets" him you know?


brunette taylor is just a slutty bitch who couldn't give a shit about him. she's only dating him because he's the hottest guy in school. who cares if he likes to lap up spunk? she's not fucking him anyway. she's cheating on him with shane oman. (fanksmeangirls).


either way lead gayboy ends up ditching slag-taylor in favour of the 'she's all that'-taylor. little does she know that he wont want to fuck her either when he goes away to college and begins 'experimenting' with his room mate (ITSDEFINITELYNOTGAYWITHTHELIGHTSOFF!). so she'll have to resort to....yup...fucking shane oman and dying her hair brunette.


circle of life friends. disney never put it better.


and after all that, kanye west will STILL be a douche. YAY



also: pledge some money to haiti you curmudgeon.yeahthereyougo

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

bushido and the art of dancing around a room lots

this video got reviewed coz of this woman's blog (deadniceblog).


ok that whole 'rage' thing at the beginning of this otherwise brilliant example of kate bush lessons in art house vidoes (or SUMINK) is nothing to do with me. it's just annoying. like a steamy turd that refuses to flush.


kate bush is NOT a turd. or if she is, she's a very aurally pleasant, beautifully scented rainbow poo, that get shat out by the likes of aphrodite or michelle obama. she's anti-shit. existing to counter balance the awful things in the world like nick griffin, the pope and/or ulrika johnson.


i bum kate bush already but yeah. cheers.


so it's 1985 and something politcally thatcherite is probably going down so kate bush makes this video. dancing her tits off with michael hevieu in what some have called a 'choreographed' performance.


nonsense if you ask me.


we're in the 80s again for bums sake. and how do music videos in the 80s attain their brilliance?


hello drugs.


but this is kate bush and she is literally odd enough to do without them.


from the moment she jerks that bloke's head around at 0:02, forcing him to blow an invisible willy, you know this is going to be good.


and because she's totally a feminist and stuff, she uses the bloke as a climbing frame at 0:13. yeah. she climbs all over the muscular yumminess that is patriarchy. yeah. slag. arty slag in a kimono.


even when he tries to hold her back from hurling herself through the glass ceiling window she smacks him off and continues (1:00). then she's casting around looking for a light bulb to re-fit. ON HER OWN. or something.


and like all people in the universe, what she's wearing, that kimono thing, it MEANS something. and it's called a hakama.


and hakama's are part of the dress of those who follow the way of bushido. yes. BUSHido.


this bitch definitely/probably got an A* in artyfarty studies. (i'd claim one for knowing that too but i just know shit. definitely didn't use wikipedia)


she knew what she was doing. firing the invisible arrow of feminist-ism deep into the interregnum of post-structuralist wanky panky.

(I AM NOT A LIT STUDENT)


or not. she's just dancing around a room with a bloke who would DEFINITELY get it. she would too like but mainly him. how about her AND him? yeah. much better. let's all get bisexual.


there's a new 2010 trend: bisexual bushido. right there.


i'm off to get lube and a hakama.

Friday, 8 January 2010

lessons: hoof is BACK

the question you have yourself whenever you do a video involving an american football pitch is obviously -


'which locker room do you want to get naked in?'


naturally your answer (if you're a boy) should be 'the girl's one!' and vice versa for ladies. but really you should go where the hottest people are getting naked, right?


WRONG.


mz. alexandra burke seems to be throwing a generic shaped spanner into the works with the release of her new video for 'broken heels'



the last time we caught up with burke she had some female empowerment thing going on. this looks like an attempt at the same.


it isn't.


burke (i always think of the 'berk' connotation of this word) does her nails and straps herself into what can only be described as a bodysuit with extra camel-toe (0:31). in fact it's not just toe. it's a whole fucking HOOF situation down there. (thanksfriends).


and thus begins a horror show of really straight hair, big heels and hoof shaking.


team burke is dressed in gold (the colour of WINNERS) and the other team (entirely made up of grumpy looking men) is in green. are they actually going to have it out and play american football?


don't be so silly. team burke are going to beat the manteam on their own terms, as independent women, as FEMINISTS...by putting on make up (1:53) and being sexy y'all!


empowerment folks, it's a GOOD thing. especially when it's done by looking super sexy and showing purrrrfect blowjob lips. that's right patriarchy look at my shexy beeehind.


yeah but....no perhaps?


the manteam clearly think the same as me. team burke are dancing but who exactly are they dancing for? the boys certainly aint watching them.


because what burke&co are doing is SO sexy, it's actually looped back round to gross and floppy inducing. shame eh?

in the words of my primary school p.e teacher:

'could do better'.


ps - here's something MUCHBETTERLOADS. found this on a v.good blog aboutlastnight.

Monday, 4 January 2010

pain pain of the video maker


does anyone know who the saturdays are? serious. apart from the one who used to be in S Club 9 or whatever, who the fuck are they?


this is what someone might like to answer:


the saturdays are a credible all girl pop group, each with their own distinct personality and 'feel'. combining raw sex appeal with youthful and occasionally funky beats, the girls are heading for the big time. follow them on twitter young cyberspatially savvy youth!


here's my answer:


i don't fucking know.


my friend, egg, said i should review this video though.


the saturdays thought all this up themselves by the way, yeah yeah. they have total creative control over their image, musical direction and all other artistic stuff like that.

it's not all the work of a bunch of stylists and blokesinsuits doing coke and making lots of money and not actually caring about "the music". no no. the saturdays DID IT ALL THEMSELVES.


i was going to go through this video and pinpoint things but instead i'm going to say it looks a bit like a cheapo version of watchmen done by a guy who makes music videos like THIS. favourite bit is definitely probably at 0:17.


that said though, not all is lost. i saw the video for 'up' on THIS blog (itsallrightcheckitout) and can safely say the only member of the saturdays id go out dancing with is the yellow one.

all the others enjoy what they're doing far too ironically.


that's the proper way to do things.


or maybe this is (itsallabouthowBIGCOCKSare). nice