ok so i do a weird job where i sit and analyse tv ads all day. they're dead boring. but music videos are not.
first up is previous X-Factor "winner" alexandra burke's video for her single "Bad Boys". let's take a look.
so we open on poor alexandra who's car has broken down in nefarious part of whatever city she's in. it could be london. or la. who knows? with her jet set lifestyle it could be anywhere. it could be in a studio for all we know. WE JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE.
her car has broken down and there are men appearing out of the shadows circling closer and closer to perform god only knows what crime. she is dressed very provocatively. it's whiffing of rape if you ask roman polanski but no that's not fair; alexandra has gone through puberty and she's black so she probably wouldn't be romans type. and alley rape isn't his thing really is it?
so alex has abandoned her car. she's got red shoes and leather, who needs a clapped out old banger like that? despite the potential rapists currently surrounding her she seems pretty chilled out (how?! I hear you heckle. especially in all that fucking leather). ah that's why. all the men are gay! gays don't like raping women. not in a "rape-rape" way anyway. they just try and hog all the attention by dancing around alexandra. some of them do try and touch her but it's apparent their hearts are not really in it.
the action moves into a bar. a gay bar by the looks of things. full of blokes dancing in vests and shooting pool before they all go on to the orgy in the cellar below. i knew i'd seen this place somewhere before. it's all a bit reminiscent of the opening of terminator one and two. except arnie has been replaced by alexandra who has inexplicably now developed superhuman strength. demonstrating her unholy female empowerment by throwing two unsuspecting fags through the bar. one can almost hear them jizzing their panties in awe of this feminine dominance. gays, for future reference LOVE strong females. helps if they're black sometimes too.
whilst burke is kicking ass (for no reason, as we know they're not going to rape her) in the bar, her friend flo-rida remains stoically outside in the cold. like a real man. not a prancing, vest-wearing pansy poof ("Hey Rida, didn't you cover that You Spin Me Right Round song by that gay from merseyside? Yeah thought so.") whilst flo is rapping about the stuff he usually raps about he is rudely interrupted by a little gay being thrown through a wall by personified empowerment power house of absolute power alexandra. he doesn't say it but we all know he's thinking it "OH NAW SHE DINT'" all black people think in ghetto talk. except alexandra. who is far too powerful now to even bother thinking. she just WILLS things and they occur. after dancing under a bridge for a bit she then grows tired of her homo-minions and stops their hearts with a click of a well manicured finger. alex then walks off, possibly to assume power over the known universe.
how boring though. i'm well going to go steal her red car.