st patrick's day lesson: how b*witched created ireland

gather round ye wee folk and i shall teel thee of the creation of oirlend.

the lord our god sent down four angels and he said they shall be clad entirely in denim. even denim cowboy hats yes! for they would face struggles and hardship the likes of which had not been seen! so they needed something durable to wear that was also funky. and fresh

yes they will come from space from a planet made entirely of gypsies and circus folk. they will also yank the tail of that wily bastard shit SATAN (3:10) for they are better than him. they do not paint themselves red with evil, they wear denim and dance the formation dance!

And lo the four founders of ireland set foot on the earth, which was not very good at the time (there was no ireland!) there was only a lot of grass and shoite lioke dat. the earth was empty of most things apart from animals. yet the pixie wisdom of our angels was strong. so they ventured forth into the jungle

and they didn't converse with the animals exactly they sort of just stood near them. and there they danced the dance of the irish (2:30) it was this dance that led the beasts of the field towards ireland.

CATASTROPHE STRUCK THEN

the founders of ireland fell under the spell of a douchebag snake, who drugged them so they fell asleep. he was called geoff and he looked likeTHIS

yet in that dreamful sleep they did dream the dream of ireland

twas a beautiful dream: one full of skies clear as de sea. in this dream there was beautiful forests wherein dwelt pixie folk laughing and clinking together small metal maraccas. our fearless founders then sailed out of the dream in a small boat.

ONLY TO AWAKEN TO A BIGGER BOAT and some questionable clothes. yet remember it was not their fault as they were in a world full of water and good clothes (denim) are hard to find

they still had not attained the dream of ireland because the world was very wet and one cannot build a country on wet. it was in this time though that they found a very wet dog (2:20). he would be dry once the dream of ireland was achieved!

yet lo they found a little piece of civilization and could begin to build the world anew.

AND BUILD IT THEY DID

yes the four had constructed a world full of trains and fake tan (1:20). and whilst this was ok for the liokes of sum it was not what the angels had been sent to do. they had forgotton the dream of ioreland.

OR HAD THEY? no! in dancing the dance of the irish they managed to get on the train to.....

THE PROMISED LAND! THE PLACE THAT WOULD BE THE HOME OF GUINNES AND SHAMROCKAS AND DE BLARNY STONE!

dats rioght!

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

lessons: some shit just works

yeah i wish i could write some bullshit theory around this video.

but it's literally just stuff happening. and it's amazing. probably the most amazing thing i've seen this week. and i've seen lady gaga.

lessons: mariah carey is the bestest communist

mariah carey jelly time!

red is kind of a theme. i think it's time to get freudy.

red is the colour of a lot of things appaz. here's a handy list:

- sex

- wine

- communism

- pain

- periods

- liverpool football club

obviously in this video mariah is making a very clever comment on stuff that is red. but mainly she's trying to tell us something about communism. duh.

i live with a communist. she doesn't wear a lot of red but when she does you know she's only doing it to be communist about something. the same is obviously troo of mariah cakes.

there she is, doing away with money @0:47 because from now on we should all share. because she's dressed as a sexy nurse here, she represents a sexy health service. which don't need money. just mariah.

the several sentences (watch them, they're red too. some are white but whatever. mariah carey is "black" but whatever) that flash up throughout are bits of the communist manifesto translated for the facebook generation.

"another mechanic under my hood" - come work on my car comrade! i'll derilicte your balls

"you wont see me for free" - because everything is shared now, even my bootay!

"up out my face" - leave me alone, prole

"break" - break free from the shackles of capitalism!

"ha ha ha ha ha" - ha ha ha ha in your face capitalism!

"up out my face" - seriously prole just step off

"im out of here" - woops, looks like communism doesn't actually work! LATERZ

marx, what a gimp.

@1:35 mariah marx bre

aks out of her barbie box and in so doing, smashes her capitalistic prison. (idonthaveanenglishlitessaytodohonest)

that woman with mariah marx is so fucking annoying i cant even begin. GET THEE TO A GULAG ho.

yeah then there's a big bit at the end where people are having a revolution. with a brass band. totally communist by the by. they are in red afterall.

to conclude, mariah carey = better, richer and blacker than marx&engels put together. haw haw. now say capitalism doesn't work you beardy twats.

i do like a communist party though right?

next time: nietzsche meets cascada - the ubermensch triumph in 'evacuate the dancefloor'

ps - cheryl finally got rid of gashly! now she can go slag it about round toon. cannot wait

dungeon nightmares or beautiful headdress? rihanna had a dream

what was your first nightmare? bet it was the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang right? no? it was dick van dyke!? well that's understandable too i guess, his cockney accent is sphincter clenchingly bad.

rihanna had a nightmare and coz she's creative and stuff she made a song and dance about it.

so this is some sort of torture chamber (it's have to be with all that black leather, that fat pirate guy turning the wheel of misfortune @0:09 and people smoking indoors AFTER THE BAN. go outside and have a lil' smirt, have a little snog, have a little life).

it could be one of those clubs like torture garden. except in rihanna's club everyone is actually a model so we don't really mind seeing them in fetish gear because THEY LOOK HOT. don't they?

for a torture chamber it's pretty cushy. rihanna gets to walk around with hot make up and a fan! she's obviously slept with everyone in the torture chamber too. swishing about like she owns the joint (she does), blowing smoke in their faces (1:06) and patting them on the head like terriers.

speaking of head-dresses rihanna wears this head dress @1:23. it is brilliant. jus' sayin'

the whole bit where she's dancing with a bunch of hot zombie models in leather will remind you a bit of michael jackson's 'thriller' video. because he has a sister called janet and she got a woman called tina landon to choreograph shit for her. CONNECTIONS RIIIIGHT?!

connected to a mannequin @2:18. rihanna has fucked everyone in the dungeon that she's now getting fresh with mr plastic head. shagging inanimate objects, fun though it may be (they don't speak or have any feelings or need feeding or keeping warm or anything. everyone is a winner) is just one step away from falling in love with buildings. like that woman who married the eiffel tower or something. honestly what was up with that?

@2:45 - here i think rihanna is trapped. trapped between two gloryholes giving hand jobs to mannequins on either side. and there's spiders. she's a bit like a venus de milo statue only a lot weirder and AGAIN WITH A KILLER HEADDRESS.

@2:20 - now she's shackled to the floor with a pink chain. i'm all freuded-out. i don't want to consider what that could mean. she needs to break the pink chain? she needs to come out of the closet as a lover of huge buildings? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY RIHANNA!?

fuck knows. night folks and may all your future nightmares feature hot torture, indoor smoking and swanky headdresses.

RIP MCQUEEN too. he was good.

TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF: JLS & Boybands

this blog is for my good friend egg. she's a cute bitch and it's definitely NOT HER BIRTHDAY OR ANYFINK. (she really likes JLS; i was going to get tickets but this will have to do).

in the library the other day my mate turnip said that JLS were the ONLY boyband at the moment. i reckon she's right.

first though, WHAT IS A BOYBAND?

some definitions:

boyband - some guys who got together possibly in a gay way to start with, who then realised they weren't really gay. they just really liked singing and dancing. no bumming for dem fanks. (eg. takethat, 911)

BOYband - some guys who got together because they really just liked singing and dancing to start with. only to realise they actually enjoyed being v.v. close to other males in a very intimate finger-up-the-bum style. they will be up for bumming. (eg. backstreet boys, n'sync)

boyBAND - these guys are into rock and roll. or something. one or two might sing, but the rest play instruments and do not dance. they jump around the stage in a v. shit way. (eg. busted, mcfly)

BOYBAND - total all out fags. probably not even signed to a major label. probably just the contents of any given gay bar howling away on kareoke to lady gaga. NOTAFAGORANYTHING

note: if any of the above are irish, they will be managed by louis walsh. who, regardless of their sexual orientation, will make sure they include him at some point in their fun&games. here's a picture of what he doesn't want to happen DEBLARNEYSTONE

thankfully JLS escaped louis walsh. and made this video riiiiiight?

SEXY

it's about time we had an all black boyband (don't care if there are others, i've not heard of them. point them out to me. if they weren't on the x-factur i don't care).

obama would endorse them i guess.

and they're so popular with the ladies.

boybands (espesh JLS) breed feminism through the objectification of the male body. which is something i'm always willing to perpetuate. just look at how JLS (who used to be called UFO. doubleyouteaeff?!!) have to perform dance moves and get sweaty on a stage whilst ravenous cock-hounds bide their time on the sidelines. JLS are a bit like cattle in that respect. only with better dance moves and a stylist who went OTT at all saints.

although i do like a man in a vest. SPUNKONTHAT

basically i like looking at men with hot bodies. whilst it's true that there's only one (marvin! ZOMG) i'd bang, the rest are alright too. especially that cute little one. i'd totally eat him first.

whatever happened to one true voice?! GOODVIDEO.

YOU WONT UNDERSTAND "iamamiwhoami"! (VICE has the answers?)

you've been planning on doing something because somebody asked you: taking out the rubbish, buying some biscuits, sucking their cock, tagging their photos on FB. or you've been asked to write something to do with a feature VICE are doing with noam chomsky (WTF?).

then something much more interesting pops up. like your unexpected/unrequieted love for someone or a pop tart. (DONTFALLINLOVEJUSTEATAPOPTART)

or the iamamiwhoami videos.

prelude 699130082.451322 - offers many things. stuff you'd usually associate with eco-whackjobs. trees. with limbs.

TREES

WITH

LIMBS.

anthropomorphism is clearly what we're all about.

then there's that odd 'birth' bit. honestly, birth meant to be that 'great' thing of beauty that people harp on about? GIVE A SHIT?! that's fucking grim.

keep your ovaries ladies, i'll stick to the ballsports.

no clue what that girl in the dark bath's deal is. maybe it's ke$ha.

9.1.13.669321018 - that girl who might be ke$ha is back. and she's licking a tree. what she thinks she's going to achieve by this is....a potent metaphor maybz? oot!!!! there's an owl.

then there's some spunk dribbling down a tree. whoever shot that needs to drink more water. dehydration is a killer kids.

9.20.19.13.5.723378 - this last one is my favourite. water water everywhere. and not a drip of piss. seriously i hate people who piss in pools. have some control! have a care!

hokkay. so what is all that about? noam chomsky may know so check out VICE's interview with him. or not. i didn't. VICEWANKERLINK.

people reckon those videos are a viral marketing campaign for......

CHRISTINA AGUILERA.

boom.

i'm not sure either but do YOU have a better idea?

VICE travel WANKER

in keeping with the gun toting theme of the last post here's a non-music video for you to watch for a change.

that's taken from the VICE guide to travel. it's pretty grim; i'm glad VICE went and i don't have to.

in case you didn't notice this is a VICEwanker post i'm doing because i got told to do so. but i segue way-ed into it pretty slick with the whole gun related thing. i thought:

"liberia has guns. the rihanna video featured guns. why not do a segue way?"

having watched all the episodes available on VBS.TV i was pretty freaked out by liberia. i didn't even know the place existed. it's not my fault though, i write a blog. i cant be expected to actually keep up with all the shit that happens in the universe/world.

and it's tough to imagine a place less shitandawful than liberia. maybe haiti (DONATEFOOLS). but hey at least it's a conversation starter at the next party i don't get invited to:

whiteboyME - 'so have you seen that thing i posted about liberia? it's grim'

whiteboyOTHER - 'naw i'm busy with my raving right now[continuousWHITEnoise]'

watch the rest of the series. it only gets worse. but that's the beauty of the internet. you can observe the weird and gross without even having to leave yourprecious macbook (which i bet is totally white).