strictly come dancing on ice in the 80s or lick the tortoise

you know what's better than 90s videos?

80s videos. cue inevitable facebookgeneration response of "noooo dickhead, we're over our ironic appreciation of a previous decade. we like TWLIGHT now? and twitter"

alright folks. but the 80s is still deadgoodloads right? actually that's not even going to be a question. truefact. in. your. pretty. face.

apart from this song being ten thousand breeds of amazing, this video (like most stuff from the decade) is batshit crazy. say hello to 'Art of Noise - Moments in Love'.

six oddballs are sitting around watching dolly parton (0:54) and a chap with a fine profile (0:58) ice skate.

is this some fucked-up competition, whereby dolly and her dude must skate for survival? maybe.

so now one of the "judges" has a bit of a headache and then experiences a vision (alice fromtwilight style FTW) of a boy about to suck face with a tortoise.

back to the skate and blokeinmask has either just eaten a watermelon or he wants to molest dolly parton-

right. hold. the. bigfuckingmobilephone.

watch carefully from 1:30 and prepare for a glimpse of just how many drugs people were on during the 1980s. at 1:34 you will see what i mean.

tortoise. in a dress. ICESKATING.

a cursory look at the making of this video states the tortoise is "supposed" to represent the lethargy of mainstream rock. i guess they have to say that for, you know political correctness or something.

onto 2:20 and that boy (is he on drugs too? poor lamb) is in serious danger of licking the tortoise.

at 2:40 you will see what will haunt my nightmares for the rest of the festive period. a representation "the lethargy of mainstream rock music" (OR A FUCKING FUCKED UP TURTLE MAYBZ???!) moaning into the camera.

ahhh dude with a harp makes it all better.

is this not fantastic? the judges deliver their final scores (like a really really scary nightmare version of 'strictly come dancing on ice'), then flip their cards which read "DON'T BE AFRAID". umm.

then dolly&her dude both win a golden tortoise.

because that was such an eye opener i'm only reviewing 80s videos this coming week. suggestions (especially those that include ice-skating animals and/or hair the size of a small moon) welcome.

ps - don't do this