having emotions versus. having good hair? no contest

i had an emotion once. it wasn't particularly amazing. it went like this:

"zomgfuckingloveEDWARDCULLENhecouldPENISinjectMEwheneverHELIKES!!!"

or maybe that belonged to some girl who wears weird outfits and likes twlight far too much (TEAM JACOB FTW). whatever. the point is: emotions suck. don't have them. make pop videos instead.

here's a list of the emotions that appear in cheryl cole's new video [watch it here] for '3 words':

............................................................................................................................................................................... .................................. .................................................

yep. that's all of them. a huge vacant canvas of awesome. clock cole's geordie mug at 0:17. she's either fallen into a box of danni minogue's botox needles or she's smacked up on wham bars. either way, ain't nothing going on behind those eyes.

also: split screen initially seems like a shit idea, then becomes a good idea after watching this video. except when that backing dancer of fergie's rears his silly face. why doesn't he just leave?

so cheryl and the backing dancer dude are lying around in some weird room which is probably what churches will look like in about 100 years. all stained glass windows and people lying around fucked on whatever opiates are available. wearing bed sheets because nuclear winter STILL isn't over.

ah that's what this video is. it's a futuristic wedding ceremony!

Dear [insert futuristic lame name here]

You are kind of/maybe invited to the post-nuclear winter interlocking ceremony of cheryl clone 324 and that bloke who used to dance with a reformed meth addict back in the 21st century.

there will be no food as all crops are null and void thanks to michelle mcmanus.

but there will be plenty of mood elevators for you to inject into your pasty radiation ravaged bottoms.

rsvp

ps - don't actually come. because we're dead inside and only care about clothes and robots these days.

that's what the invitation would look like i reckon.

so there's lots of cheryl doing her nice bighair thing. and lots of people writhing around looking soooo recently out of art school it HURTS. all very original so far, right?

WRONG.

at 1:45 it cheryl morphs into beyonce all of a sudden. and only beyonce can be beyonce cheryl. except when she's being sasha fierce or...whatever. LOOK to the left (to the left, beyonce in some metal in a box to the left). whilst not a direct rip, i'd say cheryl has clearly been sourcing knowles for inspiration.

despite all this, swanning about the place like a 24th century version of cleopatra is a pretty good look for cole. it's almost as if she's saying "who or what ARE girls aloud?" who indeed cheryl, whoooo indeeed.

2:31 is very swish. cole now has ice blonde hair and sits on this concept seat like a big space witch out to suck somebody's soul. got to love a bitch in a frock with scheming plan. always.

to conclude this video has no emotions and is the better for it. it may be the best video i've talked about. but it's got that bloke in sooooooooooooooo how's aboot: no.

ps - it's also world aids day. so you know, get clever and wear condoms!