Wednesday, 18 November 2009

what's worse than 2012? or "we all make mistakes"

something terrible has happened. something so unutterably unthinkable and dispiriting that it will inevitably have little gayz crying into their vivienne westwood hankerchiefs with unadulterated joy.

people with sense will just despair. forever and ever untill the apocalypse in 2012; which will seem like a walk in the park once you've watched this video.

you see boys and girls. everyone makes mistakes. you make them when you listen to the twilight soundtrack and imagine vampires are real. i make them when i snog boys because i forget that boys are meant to snog GIRLS; that is the circle of life i cannot fuck with. thank you mufasa. your parents make them when they buy you mighty max toy when you wanted a polly pocket instead. we all make mistakes.

this list of people who make mistakes now sadly includes: BEYONCE. (i know, i know. but relax. all is not lost). yes beyonce has made a mistake. and that mistake is shaped like lady gaga.

beyonce's new video for 'Video Phone' features joker face herself smearing her dodgy image/smell close to one who simply does not deserve it. beyonce: WE FEEL FOR YOU.

beyonce feat. jokerface: 'video phone' : here

it all begins slightly like a stripper version of resevoir dogs. beyonce heads up a gaggle of suited and snooty guys prowling slow-mo through some bullshit warehouse/dock area. if you pause at 0:42 you can clearly

see bey flanked by none other than mcnulty and bunk from the wire. (note: if you haven't yet watched the wire...[looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong pause])

so clearly this is sasha fierce right? that's beyonce's slaggy alter ego for shoor. (noteagain: whilst we're on that subject, why does she need a fucking alter ego? who is she? spiderman?! you can be sexy AND sweet you know? or gay and straight. or whatever the fuck you want. all of this can be achieved without developing scizhophrenia. GAWWWWD)

and there's our first mistake. some bloke with a camera for a head. right there at 0:47. quod the fuck. quod the ACTUAL fuck? it's so budget it makes us wonder if this video was directed by roman polanski. all of his videos are shit and really budget. because he blows all the money you give him on champagne and quaaludes.

it's just a huge shit storm from here on in folks. strap yourself in.

at 1:12: you know how when beyongay was in that girl band. what were they called again? mystique? anyway. when she was with them it was essentially her and two backing dancers/singers, right? then she did the inevitable and had a solo career. then did a few videos where it was her and two backing dancers? yeah well now she's gone to the next level. its just her and two other versions of herself. in what my nan would describe as "dead shitty outfits".

then the camera man who's filming this starts having epilepsy. or something.

then beyonce has guns. and she's shooting them. but they're like, retarded rubbish guns that you used to get as a kid from the pound shop. where is roman polanski when you need him to stop raping children??!

yeah then jokerface herself rocks up at 2:26. looking extra cheap and nassssty. which ever one of beyonce's people thought it was a good idea to have her guest in this video really needs to go get one of those cheapo guns shoved up their back passage.

something deeply disturbing happens at 2:56. do you remember when beyonce got into a bit of trouble for posing for vanity fair magazine? and it was said she'd had her skin digitally lightened to look more white. it looks like somebody is up to their old tricks. SHE'S LIKE A WIGGED UP CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST! look!

what follows can only be described as "cack". beyonce and jokerface proceed to do a synchronized chair dance. which is just, plain pooandroobish. then some clips of beyonce shooting one of those budgetguns on a motorcycle. HOW WEIRD AND OUT THERE and WACKY. spare me.

i'm really sorry you watched that. i'm sorry i watched it. let's watch a GOOD beyonce feat. a decent artist in a video with actual production values that haven't been squandered by a child rapist shall we?


there. much better.


  1. I'm really shocked Beyoncé felt the need to collaborate with Gaga. Shit times!