Sunday, 1 November 2009

cheryl has layers or the many outfits of miss tweedy-cole

remember cheryl cole pre x-factor judge fame? no neither do we. what was she doing before this? being the geordie contingent of a rip-rollicking electro-pop girl group who are ok to like (according to popjustice) obviousssssly. she made her name on a reality tv talent contest and now she PRESENTS a reality tv talent contest? jeezy creezy. why isn't michelle mcmanus a judge yet? or steve brookstein? i guess they were just too busy and important to take part in such trifling things as the x-factor. no one watches it anyway. its fucking shit.*

what 'our cheryl' was not doing was releasing solo singles. this video is a pretty good example of why. regardez:

Fight for This Love

cheryl cole (nee tweedy) is no longer cheryl cole. she is simply "cheryl" pioneer of young pop hopefuls everywhere. such an inspiration, such a national treasure, such a peoples princess. she is not two dimensional and over-produced. at all.

we're treated to 5 different versions of cheryl:

1) chav cheryl

2) lady gaga cheryl

3) commander cheryl

4) bit goth cheryl

5) slutty cheryl

1) chav cheryl is clearly an homage to her salad days of yore. when she bestrode the northeast like a much more violent and small version of the angel of the north. wearing her pajama pants (leopard print) and a vest she's just pinched from primark and performing a very poor dance routine which is like britney when she's done too much ket at a certain award ceremony.ahem. that said though she does have a bit of a gang thing going on. we'd rather be in danni's gang any day but WHATEVER. 3/5

2) lady gaga cheryl barely makes an appearence but she's there. all unoriginal and completely copied from the joker face's video debut 'just dance'. the only thing cheryl's stylist (i know, we couldn't believe it either) has done differently is put a red snood thing on 'our chezza! LOL ZOMG'. this snood motif appears later on as a tiger print sort of thing. like she's just murdered and skinned a disco tiger. 1/5

3) commander cheryl is probably the most successfully engineered version of 'our cheryl'. all big shoulders, skinny black legs and tilted hats. it does rob the holy one of her biggest asset: that thing she does with her hair when it's all big. surely with her new loreal commercial campaign she should be trying to plug her follicles more than ever?


4) goth cheryl now this is just confusing. lets not pretend that cheryl even knows or cares about the plight of goth yoof across the country. chavs are the natural enemy of the goth so for her to imitate it badly is just sore. its not proper goth, all shagging in graveyards and impaling yourself on the burning cross of your true loves favourite dark rosary. but it is a lot of black leather and big metal spikes jutting out of her corset. perhaps this should be relabeled 'chastity belt' cheryl? eitherway 2/5

5) slutty cheryl is exactly what it says on the cum-spattered keyboard. suggestive knickers pointing down to her 'private' parts. its not overly slutty though. remember she's meant to be an inspiration for the nations daughters and future female impersonators. 3/5.

to conclude. this video is number one. and its not that good. but x-factor is on in three hours anyway ZOMG LOL!!!!

*i fucking love the x-factor

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